articulation...

come say hi!

2012-01-13T13:13:00.003+08:00

it is apparently, international blog delurking week -this means that those of you who’ve been reading in silence are encouraged to voice out your presence. why? simply because i’d like to know WHO my readers are :). so please, if you’re reading, take an additional few minutes to say hi and introduce yourself. cheers!

india: rape and clothing

2012-01-12T19:06:00.003+08:00

when i first read of andhra pradesh deputy general of police’s comments regarding women’s clothing being an invitation to rape, i was disgusted, but not particularly surprised. the comments responding to the times of india article perhaps surprised me more -who were all these people agreeing with reddy’s comments, and which planet do they come from?

logic is clearly beyond such people, and there is no point in telling them that studies have found that rape has nothing to do with clothing or desire, but is all about control and violence. rapists do not rape women because they are wearing ‘provocative’ clothing that ‘tempts’ them, but because they are sick and need to prove some kind of control over them.

there is similarly no point in asking them to explain why young children, elderly women or women wearing burkas are being raped in india, or how the culture of rural women wearing saris without blouses is more ‘modest’ and ‘appropriate’ than other types of clothing.

i was heartened today however, when i read a kick-ass article by an indian male on the issue, and i had to share it. it is SO worth a read. if only more indian men thought this way.

mine is the morning

2012-01-05T11:25:00.001+08:00

the light is still mellow, warm and tinted, not yet fully awake. morning has not truly arrived and the streets are still silent, awash in slumber. the house is bathed in a warm, yellow tinge and I sit on the bed, still warm from recent sleep. I like this time a lot, it feels like an extra couple of hours to my day, mine to do with as I wish. fajr is prayed, and there are no other pressing matters to attend do, and the time for work, for real life, is still two hours away. I can have breakfast in bed, I can watch some episodes of house, read my novel, look through photos..

as a child, I never managed to sleep in on weekends, unlike my parents. so I would sit in bed and read, or watch tv. even then, I loved this extra time to myself, always saw it as my secret!

slowwly, the light gets brighter, whiter, the noise outside the window increases, and the clock tells me to get ready for work.. morning has indeed broken, and reality begins!

happy 2012

2012-01-02T14:40:00.003+08:00

i had a great end to 2011 (thank you, H), a week of friends and family chilling time, and am now looking forward to 2012 -may it be the best year yet for everyone!

i am not a new year resolutions kind of person, but i like the idea of making ‘happy’ resolutions -doing things that make you happy, resolutions that actually excite you, rather than those that you ‘should’ be doing (and actually dread!). creating a list of things that would make me happy? oh wow :)

**
while catching up with an old friend, a college roommate, i found myself pensively reflecting on how it is that much harder to make such close friends now; friends who’ve known me for the past 10 years, friends i’ve lived with, travelled with, cried, laughed, celebrated with. friends who have watched me grow, watched me make my way from x to y and beyond.

when this pensiveness was over, it suddenly struck me that i had the exact same thoughts when i arrived in cairo, at uni, missing my school friends of seven years!! now though, it is my uni friendships that are closer and stronger..

so, perhaps there is still hope! or perhaps some of those old friends may move to bombay.. :P i’ve been lucky, in my one year here, i’ve had several friends and family members visit.. may there be many more such visits in 2012, inshallah!

teaching and learning

2011-12-20T13:49:00.005+08:00

mel has written another beautiful post, about parenting. i am sure all my young-parent friends will relate, and so will not-young-parent friends. i was discussing with H just two days ago how difficult it is/must be to raise a child and inculcate the values you want them to grow with. how ultimately, you just never know how they will turn out, what path they will choose. i know of several families where siblings turned out completely different to each other, choosing opposing value sets, despite growing up together, in the same environment, with the same ethics and principles.

i love mel’s Y, such an awesome idea:

It is shorthand for the idea that every single person on this earth has two possible lives — the one she leads and the unfulfilled life that isn’t accessed because of choices she makes. Each decision takes us to a fork, and I want them to take the path that is going to bring them what they desire in life: friends, success in school, a thriving computer company. I make them sit and think about that other fork; that road not taken. The one that takes them far away from everything they think they want, like some secular version of A Christmas Carol.

**
one comment to the above post said this,
“It just feels so hard again at each stage because I have to learn. To play catch-up and figure out this new phase. Every time I get a grasp on something, she changes it up. Life changes it up.”

which totally resonated with me. i’ve been feeling like every time i get something figured out, life throws yet another curveball at me. i miss those days when i felt on top of everything, when i GOT IT; the last two years of high school, or the last two years as an undergrad. or even the first few years of work (not the very first year, but two, three, four!). the last few years, and especially this past year, has been a see-saw ride on the learning graph. i would really like to just cruise on the top there..

and this brings to mind one of my favorite ben okri quotes (from astonishing the gods): “The law is simple. Every experience is repeated or suffered till you experience it properly and fully the first time.”

i'm okay with life being one huge lesson; i just want to be a good student though, i want to get it! i'm tired of feeling out of the loop..

contentment, imperfection and self improvement

2011-12-14T17:27:00.003+08:00

i read a thought provoking post today regarding quashing the urge for self improvement, and instead learning to be content with who you are and what you have. i find this idea contradictory though, and almost a paradox. i agree with the first half of the premise:

You could say it’s great that people are constantly trying to improve themselves, but where does it end? When is anyone ever content with who they are? We are taught that we are not good enough yet, that we must improve, and so … we always feel a little inadequate.

This is true no matter how much you’ve accomplished. You might have achieved a thousand goals, but do you have defined abs? Are your boobs big and bouncy? Do you have perfect skin? Have you read every classic in literature?...Do you have the perfect home, and can you cook gourmet meals? Are you the perfect parent, or have perfect work-life balance? Can you do yoga, meditate, juggle and do magic? Do you brew the perfect cup of coffee, or tea, or beer? Can you recite Shelly, Shakespeare, Homer? Are you good at picking up women, are you the perfect friend, the perfect lover, a romantic husband, a wife who meets her husband’s needs, a master craftsman, a hacker and a programmer, a knitter or sewer, a home-repair expert...

We are never adequate, never perfect, never self-confident, never good enough, never comfortable with ourselves, never satisfied, never there, never content.

all true. all bad.
but. the second half?

What if instead, we learned to be happy with ourselves?

What would happen?

Would we stop striving to improve? Would that be horrible, if we were just content and didn’t need to better ourselves every minute of every week? Would we be lazy slobs, or would we instead be happy, and in being happy do things that make us happy rather than make us better?
…

Realize that you are already perfect. You are there. You can breathe a sigh of relief.

really? i don’t feel perfect. far from it in fact. and that’s okay, because i’m not really looking for perfection. i want to be able to do certain things better, things that make me happy. and that requires improvement, which is fine. i’m not looking for a bigger house or trendy clothes or better skin. i think the line between content and improvement is fine, and you have to be aware, all the time, of which side you’re on. being content is not a bad thing, but neither is striving to be better. it’s all about the degree i guess. and the context: being content in a job you hate or a relationship gone sour is just copping out. striving for all kinds of material gain or trying to be perfect at everything meanwhile, is not about being happy.

focus on the things that do make you happy, and strive to do those better. because, you know, the chances are, you’re not innately destined to be good at what makes you happy. and being great at something, almost always requires work and practice (malcolm gladwell’s infamous ‘10 000 hour' rule for instance).

striving to be a better human, a better person, is never a bad thing.

ask yourself why you want to improve whatever it is you want to improve. if the answer is internal, related to you, great. if it’s external, then you need to stop and rethink.

**
a woman’s search for god in the city discusses the trend in western self help literature to advise ‘quitting your job and following your dreams’, and compares this to her own job and life situation. her conclusion:

As an Indian woman who was destined to be a housewife, being able to work itself is a dream. That I am in a job I love, is nothing short of nirvana.

I don’t think it is the job that is to blame for stifled dreams. After all, people choose those jobs willingly for whatever reason. They follow their priorities. Our jobs are actually a reflection of our own life condition. They mirror our own truths and inner realities. If we don’t like what we see outside, we need to look inside for what needs fixing. Joy can be found anywhere — even in dusty old law books or crooked text boxes on computer screens.

step. by. step.

2011-12-14T15:12:00.002+08:00

familiarity, recognition, belonging, acknowledgment, stature; the curtain lifted slightly and i glimpsed a world of possibilities. one smile, one nod, can make such a big difference. it was the difference between belonging and not.

it is a far cry from the innate sense of rightfulness and connection i experienced for the last decade, but it is one step towards it. more importantly, it is one step away from nothingness, nonbeing, oblivion.

it has been a slowww step in coming, but one i am oh so thankful for. that world of possibilities? it more than makes up for the past. i would like to think that from now, i’ll be on a fast train to somewhere, whereas the reality is probably more slow, plodding steps. oh well. i’ll just keep my eye on the view behind the curtain!

choosing what is

2011-12-07T19:23:00.003+08:00

i came across the following poem, which is summed up by the line, 'i vow to choose what is'. and this is something i have considerable difficulty with!

In this passing moment
by Shodo Harada Roshi

“In the presence of Sangha, in the light of Dharma,
in oneness with Buddha — may my path
to complete enlightenment benefit everyone!”

In this passing moment karma ripens
and all things come to be.
I vow to choose what is:
If there is cost, I choose to pay.
If there is need, I choose to give.
If there is pain, I choose to feel.
If there is sorrow, I choose to grieve.
When burning — I choose heat.
When calm — I choose peace.
When starving — I choose hunger.
When happy — I choose joy.
Whom I encounter, I choose to meet.
What I shoulder, I choose to bear.
When it is my death, I choose to die.
Where this takes me, I choose to go.
Being with what is — I respond to what is.

This life is as real as a dream;
the one who knows it can not be found;
and, truth is not a thing — Therefore I vow
to choose THIS dharma entrance gate!
May all Buddhas and Wise Ones
help me live this vow.

in discussing the poem, ivan notes, "You would think the unavoidable nature of “what is” would make a vow like this meaningless, but the human mind and heart are not entirely sane. They often choose fantasy, imaginings, shoulds and coulds, possibilities, even impossibilties, over what is. Very few of us truly dwell in reality. Very few of us sincerely experience the moments of our lives."

so true. the lines regarding choosing to grieve, choosing hunger, choosing to bear remind me of rumi's the guest house. lofty sentiments, but so hard to follow. when i am feeling lost, hurt or abandoned, i want to unexperience that as soon as possible, not dwell in it. moreover, when i am feeling wronged or upset, i have no smiles or sympathy to offer someone else.

and then, i am reminded by buddha, “Pay no attention to the faults of others, things done or left undone by others. Consider only what by oneself is done or left undone.” perhaps the key really is to focus more on myself, rather than others. perhaps i would be much happier if i only worked on myself, and just ignored all the (perceived) slights and faults of others. this is also not easy, but at least it is something concrete i can work towards. whereas if i were concentrating on how mean x was to me, i wouldn't know how to change x's behaviour.. as thoreau said, 'it is not what you look at, but what you see'.

books, oh books

2011-11-23T19:23:00.003+08:00

i started reading ‘the thousand autumns of jacob de zoet’ by david mitchell last night. all those who know me will know of my love affair with mitchell and his writing, and can understand how ecstatic i must be right now. (the novel is placed right besides my laptop, and my eyes stray lovingly there every now and then.) for those who don’t know, I LOVE DAVID MITCHELL and his writing and novels are AWESOME. 'cloud atlas' was too brilliant, and 'black swan green' had me swanning.. (okay, i’ve stopped drooling and am back to the keyboard)

on my way to the airport while returning to bombay some time ago, i stopped by a bookstore quickly, to see if i could find some good reads. heading to the literary section, i saw mitchell’s new novel, the new sebastian faulks novel, ‘a week in december’, and muriel barberry’s ‘the elegance of the hedgehog’, which z had recommended to me eons ago, but i could never get my hands on. fate had placed all three books oh so conveniently, for me to just enter, pick up and take to the cashier. the euphoria of carrying those books in my hand luggage (i had been pretty much book deprived for a year) made leaving my parents, hk and friends a tiny bit easier.

when i put away faulks’ novel last night and took out mitchell’s, a little of that euphoria came out with it. it increased this morning as i looked through my little notebook of books and authors and updated it. and it increased further as the internet told me that new books were out by beloved authors--so i have the following to look forward to:
-falling together by marisa de los santos
-started early, took my dog by kate atkinson
-hidden buddhas by liza dalby
-sacred games by vikram chandra

i also came across this wonderful post on picks for best literary fiction in 2010, and added these two to my list:
-the lotus eaters by tatjana soli
-one day by david nicholls

the post and comments were so effusive and booksy, and reminded me of how much i enjoy talking books! oh books.. (i’m off to book dreamland..)

**
it is sad that i no longer have access to hk's awesome public libraries where i could IMMERSE myself in books. it is sad that i have no one to TALK books with anymore, no one to share a love for the written word. but i am SO glad that i still have books to be in love with, that i have the internet for sharing and connection purposes, and that H is slowwwly learning.. :P

november end

2011-11-22T13:55:00.001+08:00

gosh, where did the month go? i was doing so well with the writing last month, and then suddenly an entire month has gone by with no posts! it’s not that i didn’t want to write-in fact, several anniversary markers went by, and i had great intentions to write about them (on the blog and in H’s journal).. but of course, the intentions remained just that, intentions. sigh. i wrote before about distractions getting the better of me at times, and i guess this still applies. when will i become more disciplined, more focused, ya rab?!

anyways, enough rambling. i cannot rewind and write those posts now, so i will just share a few other things here:

i read a wonderfully cute anniversary post by mel. it is such a sweet, ordinary story, but so heartening and inspiring. it captures their two characters and their relationship so well. i would love to be able to share something like that..

**

tomorrow, november 23, is the launch of the international day to end impunity. check out the interesting website, which features stories of writers and freedom of expression advocates who were killed for speaking out, reporting the truth.

today

2011-10-31T20:03:00.005+08:00

no one is promised tomorrow. a family friend passed away yesterday, and it was a shock. inna lillahi we inna ilayhi raji’un. plans were being made and there was no inkling that he wouldn’t be around to take part. i cannot believe that he is no longer here, that he will not be around for so many milestones. i recall him telling me several times that he wanted to meet H, and i can only mourn that this never happened, that it will never happen. i could have tried a little harder to make it happen on my last visit home, but the thought that there would be ample opportunities in the future made me lax..

‘today is all you have’, ‘tomorrow never comes’ are words that fall like water off our backs. we all say them, we all know they are true, and yet, how many of us truly live as though today was all we had? i tell myself i will henceforth be more mindful of today, of doing important, meaningful things soon, rather than putting them off for some unforeseen future, but deep down, i am not sure how much my habits will change...

**
the worry that my parents will not always be there to cushion me, to parent me, is magnified by any such news. it is a worry that eats up at me, that can cause instantaneous tears and panic attacks. being so far away from them is made more painful at such times..

life is oh-so fragile. in a matter of moments, your world can shift 360 degrees. you can never be prepared for this, but perhaps certain characteristics and behaviours can be cultivated to make it easier to stay upright while your world is tumbling.

**
i pray for strength and forebearance for his family, and for sunshine to slowly return to their world.

creative juices and boosted circulation

2011-10-27T18:03:00.002+08:00

i made a card for H today, after not having done any hands-on artsy-craftsy stuff for awhile. it felt GOOD. let me just say, i am no artist. i do not have deft, nimble fingers, cannot draw a perfect circle or cut a straight line. i like colors and shapes and textures though, and i like to play, experiment. i like writing too. a lot. making and writing cards is thus a whole lot of fun, and i can feel the creative juices flowing in parts of my brain that are usually dormant.

making a card for H is doubly fun, because i am not overly concerned by the slightly crooked edge, or the millimeter of tape that can be seen, and so forth. (just to make clear, this is not because H deserves any less immaculateness, but because anything i make for him (i assume) would be taken in the spirit i made it in.) i would not make things for anyone else with so much enthusiasm. in fact, i don’t make cards for anyone else. i have friends who are pretty much professionals when it comes to such things. my 11-year-old niece is a much better artist than me. i would be embarrassed to show them my creations.

but i really enjoy making them. hmm, perhaps i should get back into snail mail, make small, fun stuff and send it along to my friends and family in various pockets of the globe!

**
i started working out again, after a year. i have a couple of exercise dvds that i used to play regularly, which i can do in the confines of my room. apart from anything else, i missed the adrenaline rush from working out, the feel good factor of an elevated heart rate, muscles in motion, and a boosted blood circulation. sure, i want the fitness that will come from regular work outs, but right now, my motivation is the feel good-ness that comes with it. it’s like quenching my thirst and soothing my throat with cool, delicious lemonade on a particularly hot day- yummm!

burma: national reconciliation through hostage taking

2011-10-18T16:46:00.000+08:00

the media has been happily reporting on burma’s release of detainees recently. most news stories are cautiously optimistic regarding the release, seen as being on the path to democratic reform and national reconciliation.

famous burmese comedian zarganar, however, likens the act to “putting makeup on a paralyzed elderly woman and taking her out on the town”, and says the detainees are like “hostages, being released at a trickle in exchange for deals being struck with various parties at home and abroad”.

read more here.

connections

2011-10-18T16:35:00.002+08:00

i’m currently reading i speak for myself: american women on being muslim. while enjoying the essays (which i’ll blog about later), i’m enjoying discussing my thoughts on them with a good friend via email even more. her last email made me grin and grin and grin (yes, i’m still grinning!). it is so wonderful to share something with someone, especially something close to your heart, something that interests you, that you are vested in. and to have feedback regarding that, to know that someone else is listening to you, is sharing your perspective, to connect with someone regarding that.. well, it just made me feel like this is why we are friends, why the world was so aligned..

and it brought to mind some awesome words by mel:

At the same time, it is our relationships that make the difference in this world, that heat this cold world. We notice those moments that people leave their bubble to enter our own because those moments are what makes the difference between people feeling supported and people feeling alone.

Humans are not meant to be alone.

Think about the emails you’ve saved because someone said something that meant the world for you to hear. Or the times when we’ve gushed about how someone took the time to converse with us or read our blog. We have such gratitude for human interactions — even the small ones.

read her entire post, it’s SO worth it.

**
i would love to join a book club. to read together, to discuss. hmm, how do i go about that..

visited by genius

2011-10-12T19:44:00.002+08:00

i came across this wonderful ted talk by elizabeth gilbert on creativity. (i need to check out more ted talks, really.) she shared some interesting history of greek and roman concepts of genius, where it was believed that individuals were visited by a ‘genius’, rather than being a genius themselves -like gilbert, i totally dig that!

surely, many people today (artists, writers, all creative people) must believe that to some extent anyways. how many could say that their creative work is 100 percent them, and not a product of circumstances, environment and some kind of divinity (including themselves)?

the talk brought to mind one of my favorite erica jong quotes: “the truth is no one knows where poems come from. especially not the poets.”

and reminded me of the following words by czeslaw milosz in ‘a book of luminous things’ (awesome international poetry anthology, you should definitely check it out if poetry is your thing): "Writing is a vocation but many writers experience it also as a curse and a burden. In a way, they feel as if they are serving as instruments to a force alien to them."

these were an intro to ‘in praise of my sister’ by wislawa szymborska, in which “the word ‘poems’ at the end of the lines serves to enhance the weirdness of that occupation”!!

‘poetry reading’ by anna swir also serves to capture the pressure put on poets to talk about all the mysteries of life, death and eternity.

linking etiquette

2011-10-12T19:42:00.001+08:00

so i’m never sure what the etiquette for linking to other blogs is -do i need to tell them i’m linking to them? i’m not fishing for any reciprocal links or anything, but it just feels rude to be talking about someone without telling them! if i were talking to a friend about a topic that was inspired by xx, i’d go tell xx about the inspired conversation. doesn’t the same apply to the blogging world?

a quick google search says apparently not. (it makes the blogging endeavour sound a little lonely in fact..) on the other hand, if i were to leave a link to my post on their post/blog, that would seem like uncalled for advertising..

your thoughts?

being happy AND right?

2011-10-10T17:07:00.004+08:00

ever since coming across that women bloggers article (and the subsequent contemplation on women’s lives in general), i’ve been veering between two conflicting realities. i have never been a staunch fan of feminism, but i do believe in equality and non discrimination based on sex/gender.

in my current world, feminism seems to pose a huge obstacle to the notion of changing yourself in order to change your circumstances. ‘you can either be happy, or you can be right’. feminism tells me to be right, while life/relationship gurus tell me to be happy. dang it, i want to be happy. so how do i bridge the divide? how do you be a strong, independent woman, at home and in the world outside?

**
i read a beautiful essay two days ago, ‘the muslim feminist’ by hebah ahmed in the collection, i speak for myself, which spoke to my conflict. the author’s resolution of the conflict was internal however, and not really spelt out for me to follow.. perhaps this is one area where no amount of intellectual or other reflection can help me however; perhaps this is one of those struggles that i have to go through myself, and work out for myself, with no particular right or wrong..

**
a wise thought from a woman's search for god in the city: one of life’s lessons is to learn not only how to make choices, but also to learn to live with the consequence of these choices

women and blogging

2011-10-03T16:58:00.009+08:00

coming across this post on the topics favored by women bloggers in India (parenting, personal life, domesticity, cooking) was interesting, for several different reasons. firstly, I was surprised that there weren’t more women listed for writing about books, travel and current affairs, as I’m sure they’re out there. second, it was interesting to follow the comments regarding what constitutes ‘interesting’ topics, and I was reassured by most commenters noting that rather than women having to further diversify their interests (to ‘keep up’ with men), perhaps men should be encouraged to write more about parenting and domesticity. thirdly, it made me reflect upon the various blogs I read and their topics. a quick breakdown:

parenting: 3 women
Writing, books: 3 women, 2 group
Religion, spirituality: 1 woman, 4 men, 2 group
Life reflections: 11 women, 3 men
Poetry: 1 woman, 1 man
Travel: 1 woman
Current affairs: 3 men

while it is relatively easy to categorize the blogs in terms of gender, it was far more difficult to categorize them into various topics. not only do all the blogs fall into more than one category, but the categories themselves overlap: spirituality and life reflections for instance, or writing and travel. furthermore, how do I decide what is current affairs? should it be limited to the current debate on india’s poverty line, or is the southwest airlines’ policy on same sex kissing and its effects on a little girl included too? what about this and this ('this week'); are they current affairs, life reflections or parenting?

the majority of the blogs I read are not by Indian authors. (I have in fact been trying to increase my intake of Indian blogs, without success to date. recommendations are always welcome!) the three that I do read are on current affairs and politics, writing and life, and travel and life. two by women and one by a man. I read more blogs by women than men –this is something I only realized now, after this exercise. I read what interests me, what speaks to me, what makes me feel good. in other words, blogs about writing, faith, books, life, community, current affairs. and yes, I also read blogs written by people who interest me, who I care about.

fourth, a quick google search on the topic of women bloggers brought up an interesting book (that I hope to read someday), which indicated that while women bloggers are perhaps doing better in the west than in India, the same issues/stereotypes continue to plague them, albeit at a different level. some quote-worthy paras:

In an effort to counteract invisibility, many female bloggers have created gendered blog spaces on the Internet to support, promote and highlight each other’s work… Women bloggers use these blog spaces to identify good female blog content that is not being picked up in the popular or top lists…

Though women bloggers are often accused of avoiding political discussion, an analysis of blog postings… shows this assumption is erroneous. Quite the opposite, female bloggers shine a light on many neglected issues in the public sphere that relate to feminist politics… Much of the alternative news that is created in these networks addresses topics that are either routinely ignored by mass media news reports, or buried in such newspaper sections as the lifestyles or features.

I also came across the following article on Indian women bloggers, which noted that the advent of blogging in languages other than english gave more diverse women an opportunity for articulation than before. as a result,

In the Hindi, Tamil, Telugu, Marathi and Bengali blogospheres, the rise of female bloggers has been sharp in the past two or three years, especially in small-town and rural India. They discuss the joys and trials of more intimate but often more conservative communities, and the challenges of life within the extended family. Politics comes up, but with a focus on local issues usually missing from English-language discussions.

English-language female bloggers have tended to write about city life, dating and relationships, and workplace issues. The women who are coming online now from the small towns may have more circumscribed lives — fewer opportunities for work outside the home, a greater emphasis on marriage — but blog with confidence and self-awareness about changing social mores and their growing economic aspirations.

And whereas the women who dominate the English-language blogosphere tend to be urbanites in their teens and 20s, the Bengali, Hindi and Tamil blogs seem to have engaged the attention of older women.

so, to end, go women bloggers! anyone who thinks women blog about 'boring' or 'typical' topics simply needs to read more female blogs. on the other hand, if finance, IT and mainstream politics are their narrow world of 'interest', then their definition of boring needs to checked!

the economics (and politics) of india's poverty

2011-09-28T19:33:00.003+08:00

the following letter was sent to India’s Planning Commission by civic groups in Madhya Pradesh:

Dear Shri Montak Singh,

I am writing a very small note, because you have no time for poor usually.

What I have learned about Planning Commission is that, this institution do not hear voices of the poor. As these people are considered to be burden on economic growth. But let me assure you that Poverty Line prescribed by Planning Commission will certainly kill hundreds of thousands of people silently.

Hunger and Hungry do not make noise. They live short life silently and die with silence. They are left with no energy to express their own concerns over what India's Planning Commission is doing with them.

I would, anyway, like to request you to think over it again that why you want people to keep Hungry and Malnourished!! What is your feeling and belief behind this? I am of firm understanding that you just don't want society to decide what is poverty and who is poor. You want to decide at your level because you want to justify, wrongly, that economic growth policies have contributed in decreasing poverty, hunger and vulnerability in India. Whereas the truth is just opposite to your efforts.

If you don't agree with me, I would request you to live on this amount for six months and show that survival is possible on this expenditure, if you can do so, at least I would join your concept. Otherwise for the sake of humanity please don't play with the vulnerability of people living with hunger and poverty.

Sincerely,

short and sweet (ignoring the grammatical errors of course).

a bit more description on the poverty line by ranjani mohanty:

The poverty line for a given individual can be defined as the money the individual needs to achieve the minimum level of ‘welfare’ to not be deemed ‘poor,’ given its circumstances.

This is how Martin Ravallion, director of the Development Research Group at the World Bank, defines the poverty line. In 2005, the World Bank revised the international poverty line up from $1 a day to $1.25 a day, but countries are allowed to set their own national poverty line. The Planning Commission has set India’s national line at 578 rupees a month, or the equivalent of 43 U.S. cents a day.

Even assuming only a charitable (to the government, that is) 30 days a month, that works out to less than 20 rupees a day. A half-litre packet of milk at Mother Dairy costs 10 rupees. One mango, those in season and heaped on carts by the side of the street, costs 10 rupees. And a cabbage …but no, your 20 rupees a day has already been spent. If you spend more than that, even on clothing or education or fuel, you cannot be termed as below the poverty line and therefore you are not eligible for BPL-related benefits and subsidies on food, shelter, and medical treatment. And note that the luxurious 20 rupees a day is for city dwellers; rural people have to spend less than 15 rupees a day in order to be below the poverty line.

The absurdity of such a low poverty line is astounding. Even the World Bank, which does not usually comment on national poverty lines, feels that India’s is too low and was hoping for a more realistic peg at $1.17 a day. Many concerned individuals have called India’s poverty line the “starvation line.” In fact, it is tending more toward the flat-line on a cardiac monitor.

and a much more detailed description of how the poverty line came about, its faults and so forth can be found here.

catch up

2011-09-26T17:52:00.003+08:00

it’s been over a month since I last wrote! I was lucky enough to be home for a month, and I thought I would have much food and time for blogging–what a crazy idea! the time flew by in the blink of an eye, and I am left wondering whether it was all just a beautiful dream.

**
it was wonderful to see my parents again, to live under their roof, to soak in their essence. I will never forget the wonder and joy on their faces when they saw me (it was a surprise visit); what I wouldn’t give to go back and capture that moment on video! a few days after returning, I came across this poem, ‘who am I, dad?’ which touched me..

**
I have books to read! 'in spite of the gods' by edward luce has been an informative and thoroughly enjoyable read, and I’m now getting into ‘a week in december’ by sebastian faulks, which promises to be as earthy and engaging fiction as I need right now. I put away muriel barberry’s ‘the elegance of the hedgehog’ for when I am ready for more intellectual, slightly elusive, prose.

**
in my last post, I noted my inability to truly focus on the present. I recently came across a post
with tips on practicing mindfulness – I’m going to try them out!

rooted in the present

2011-08-25T13:47:00.003+08:00

i am realizing that i am rarely fully in the present. i tend to always be anticipating the next thing, the future. last week i was attending a conference that i'd been waiting for for a long time. but instead of being totally present and immersed in it, i found myself spending a lot of time wondering when my cold was going to get better, anticipating my next conversation with H, imagining the food i'd be able to eat in x number of hours, and so on. the conference ended, and i found myself thinking of all the things i should have done. argh.

this is not to say that i just blew off the meeting. i attended all the sessions, took the notes, spoke to people, yadda yadda yadda. however, i did not give 100 percent of myself to all of it. and i think this is the case a lot of the time. i am so easily distracted by so many other things, i spend so much time thinking of what i should've said at any particular instance, or what i wish to accomplish tomorrow/this week that my right now suffers.

**
this reminds me of how all my early school reports would mention what a hardworking student i was. at seeing this, my dad would invariably ask me, 'just imagine what you could accomplish by truly being hardworking!'

**
is there a pill i can take to root myself (and my brain) right here, right now?? it would be particuarly useful about now, given that ramadan is drawing to a close, and there is so much prayer and self improvement i have yet to undertake..

the good, the bad, and the beauty

2011-08-10T12:08:00.006+08:00

The Guest House
Rumi

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

**
beautiful poem, with a beautiful message. (how cool to have met rumi..) life is good and bad, and both can teach you a lot. being open to both is kind of related to being thankful for the small stuff, and a good resolution to work on during ramadan :)

thankful for the little things

2011-08-08T19:16:00.003+08:00

he who is not thankful for a little will not be thankful for a lot. hadith of prophet mohammed (sa)

I used to be better at being thankful for the little things in life, at stopping to smell the roses, at enjoying the little things more. I resolve to be better again.

being thankful for the little things is a great way to be happier, to be more positive, and inevitably, to strengthen your faith and be closer to your Maker. it also makes you want less.

focusing on the little things can also remind you what is important, and how much we take for granted daily—functioning limbs and organs, a roof over our heads, annoying but loved family members. it is also a great way to immerse yourself in the here and now.

I’m excited to begin. alhumdolillah :)

knowledge and action

2011-08-03T18:29:00.004+08:00

there is little value in knowledge when it is limited to the tongue (to words). the most valuable knowledge is that which manifests itself in the limbs and parts of the body (through actions). kalam of imam ali (as)

indeed. islam consistently says that it is not enough to know, you must also do.

yesterday, I heard a sermon on helping fellow muslims. I know the benefits of such assistance, I know its importance. but I do not actually act upon this knowledge. in fact, islam places a lot of emphasis on being a good, honest, humble person, on developing good characteristics, on being generous and kind and forgiving. I know all this. the corresponding actions are a little vague though—refraining from being unkind or dishonest is hardly enough..

if I were asked what my good deeds were, I’d be at a loss. I don’t really do all that much (prayer is not counted here.)

and I’m not even sure how to go about changing this. how do I be a better person? a better wife? I’m going to have to reflect on this and come up with a few things I can attempt on a daily basis..

suggestions or your own experiences are welcome!

hidden beauty

2011-08-02T13:27:00.004+08:00

“the beauty of that which is hidden is greater than the beauty of that which is apparent” (kalam of imam ali (as))

I usually cruise along happily in my rida (more so now, after having lost some long unwanted extra kilos!), until someone rudely jolts me with their own prejudices and stereotypes. I have always thought the rida to be a beautiful and comfortable outfit, and wearing it always made me feel more ‘me’. it covers your hair and figure in a gentle, elegant manner. I never wanted anyone but my significant other to see me without a rida—everything within the two piece outfit was only for a special pair of eyes. everyone else could admire my rida, and the ‘me’ not related to any physical attributes.

**

i read this article today about india’s fairness obsession. a similar obsession exists in most of asia –hong kong, china, south korea, japan, and others. I am clueless as to its origins and what it means. I can understand that people have preferences for their skin tone, but to have life choices hinge on this is seriously insane.

i remember just returning to hk after graduating from college, and beginning my job search. this one ad kept playing on the tv, where a recent graduate is all depressed about finding a job, until her professor gives her some beauty product. as soon as she uses it, she’s all glowing and immediately lands a job. I was outraged. what, all I needed was a beauty cream to find a job?? what was the point of the four years of hard work, of graduating with honors?? argh.

society’s obsession with skin color, weight, fashion sense is truly bizarre, if you sit down to think about it.

**

the beauty of ramadan is also hidden. it's not found in just the physical manifestation of hunger and thirst, but in the spiritual cleansing and rewards undertaken.

There’s hidden sweetness in the stomach’s emptiness.
We are lutes, no more, no less. If the soundbox
is stuffed full of anything, no music. [Rumi, 'Fasting']
*
Let nothing be inside of you.
Be empty: give your lips to the lips of the reed.
When like a reed you fill with His breath,
then you’ll taste sweetness. [Rumi, 'Ramadan']

ramadan kareem

2011-07-31T14:18:00.004+08:00

and it's ramadan! last year i spent quite a bit of time wondering what this ramadan would be like, in a new city, amongst new people.. it is hard to believe that a year has passed and life is moving along so quickly.. having no 'memories' here yet, my mind simply returns to the ramadan rituals and routines it was familiar with..

my favourite part of ramadan is its simplicity and lack of baggage, physical and mental. not being preoccupied with food, and focusing my energy on quran, namaz and dua is refreshing and.. fulfilling.

**

the following is something i came across some time ago, and it seemed like a good set of principles to work with during this month of ibadat:

1. God is a matter of alignment, not belief. Faith in God is not enough, you have to align yourself with the message. Valuing the master without mastering the values will not take you anywhere. The greater your non-alignment from the laws of life, the greater your suffering. Suffering is feedback from life, telling you that you are not aligned.

2. Life follows enthusiasm. Being enthusiastic is your way of being in touch with God. If you have to do something, do it enthusiastically or don’t do it at all. Right action is that which generates the energy to perform the action by itself.

3. We are people who are busy in our lives, and ‘also’ seeking God. But we have to become those who are busy in our lives ‘only’ seeking God.

read the entire piece here.

**

i was recently gifted an awesome book of rasullalah (sa)'s hadith and moulana ali's kalam. the month of ramadan is a good time to study and reflect upon them.

"do good to the worthy and unworthy. if a person is worthy, then he is deserving of that good. if the person is unworthy, then you are the one who does good regardless."

advice

2011-07-28T17:32:00.002+08:00

after much angst and frustration about a particular troubling thorn, I recently asked for some advice from a couple of close friends. after reading their responses, my immediate thought was, ‘that sounds so sensible. why didn’t I think of it/act upon it?’ for a few minutes, I began wondering how it was that these friends were so much smarter than me, and had better perspective. then I asked myself that if I had been asked the same question, what advice would I have given? lo and behold, it turns out I would have given similar advice. because of course, I would have been calm and rational and positive in viewing someone else’s life scenario. sigh.

so next time I’m in a sticky situation, before panicking and reacting adversely, I’ll ask myself how I would advise someone else to respond.

it’s not easy to curb those instinctive (and frequently negative) initial reactions though… I will try though!

"The best way to succeed in life is to act on the advice we give to others." seriously!

"To profit from good advice requires more wisdom than to give it." not sure if this makes me feel better, or worse..!

kindness and pain

2011-07-25T19:59:00.001+08:00

kindness. you would think that this was such a simple, universal concept. in fact, it is not. a big kindness for me may be nothing to you. or vice versa. or a small kindness on your part may rock my world. it all comes down to what someone needs at a particular moment, and what they see as important, courteous and what makes them happy.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m just adding up wrong… if I’m just dealing with people who have a different currency. Whilst I complain that they never bake me stuff, they complain that I don’t hug enough, or whatever. We’re all trying, but using such different methods that the other person never sees the gift.

I too feel that I don’t get enough kindness sometimes (and what a relief to know there are others out there feeling the same), but the above comment (to the linked post) was a nice reminder that perhaps I’m just not looking closely enough. perhaps I’m focusing too much on instant gratification of my immediate needs, without seeing the other little things that could brighten my day.

this is particularly important in relationships –one of the first things I read as a newly wed was advice I try to follow consistently (but falteringly..): ‘love your spouse how they need you to love them, not how you want them to love you’. your acts of kindness and theirs may differ; learn to notice (and appreciate) the difference!

the above comment inspired me enough to check out a new blog, and the latest post reads thus:

To heal, first and foremost, you have to want to heal. It sounds trite, and more than a little dismissive, as if everyone hurting is doing it on purpose for the attention, or perhaps to annoy. The thing is, some of the time we are doing it on purpose, but usually for a different reason. We carry our grief, our anger, and our resentment for further than is necessary when we haven't yet decided what to do with it. We have, after all, paid dearly for our pain. It's not reasonable to expect us to part with it easily, even though it is ugly and burdensome. Tossing it aside - "letting go" or "moving on" - is not our goal. Instead, we seek a transformation; a suitably valuable exchange.

indeed. how lovely if everyone could find such an exchange, if everyone could transform their anger/hurt into something useful and gratifying.

friendship, part II

2011-07-20T14:59:00.002+08:00

in the earlier post on friendship i said i had nothing to add -well, there is one thing i would like to add. that i am particularly grateful for having found friends to ease my journey at various times. these friends came into my life and fulfilled particular roles, helped me in particular ways, at particular times. then it just seemed oh-so-natural, but upon reflection i can see that they were like my guardian angels, guiding me, supporting me through certain paths. many of these friends i am either no longer in touch with, or not as close to as i once was. and yet, i always think of them with great fondness, for being with me through my tough times. there was my gcse physics partner, my a/s level english language pal, my bus buddy, my faith-spiritual guide in college, my polsci mentor, my dorm neighbor who was also getting over an intense crush, and so many others.

these awesome people befriended me, helped me through various roadblocks or just walked with me on an otherwise lonely road. our shared journeys resulted in intense connections. they also made me a firm believer in the ecstasy and comfort of true friendship, as well as its divinity -these people did not just happen across my life, but were surely placed there for a reason. (of course, i believe that all my friends are in my life for a reason, it's just that that reason is more visible with some than with others.)

for them, these lines have even greater meaning:
"no matter what person I become, there will always be in me the girl you knew, and no matter who I become, I would never have been that without knowing you"

news and current affairs

2011-07-18T20:03:00.003+08:00

i've come across some great/unusual/fascinating news stories/articles recently, all of which deserve individual blog posts. time and brain cells however, prohibit such a plethora of posts. instead, you'll have to make do with the links and some brief commentary!

delhi police solve mumbai blasts case
http://kafila.org/2011/07/17/delhi-police-solve-mumbai-blasts-case/#more-8435
really, you should just read this short piece yourself. no commentary needed.

the u.s debt crisis
http://factcheck.org/2011/07/fiscal-factcheck/
any debt crisis is complicated, and this gives a nice rundown of the various factors involved. my favorite lines: "We won't attempt to assign blame to one party or the other for the deficits. There is plenty of blame to go around, some of which rests with an American public that won't accept cuts in the largest categories of public spending, and also resists tax increases on anybody but "the rich.""

khan academy and doing homework in class
http://www.wired.com/magazine/2011/07/ff_khan/all/1
i began the article because of the reference to salman khan -no, this salman khan is not that of bollywood fame. the article is still (more so perhaps) deserving of a read, for info on khan's simple videos on maths and many other subjects that are being widely viewed by students and educators. one of the teachers making use of the videos in her class is 'flipping' the classroom, so that the video lectures are assigned to students to watch at home, while the homework and exercises are done in class, so that students get more, and more targeted, help. i could've done with that when i was in school for sure! maths homework sucked. really.

alice walker: why i'm sailing to gaza
http://edition.cnn.com/2011/OPINION/06/21/alice.walker.gaza/
"Why am I going on the Freedom Flotilla II to Gaza? I ask myself this, even though the answer is: What else would I do? I am in my sixty-seventh year, having lived already a long and fruitful life, one with which I am content. It seems to me that during this period of eldering it is good to reap the harvest of one's understanding of what is important, and to share this, especially with the young. How are they to learn, otherwise?"

ksa diary

2011-07-13T16:58:00.004+08:00

as i mentioned previously, one of my best friends came to visit me last week from south korea. it was a wonderful eight days, filled with much chatting, laughter and exploration. of the three, i couldn't say which was more fun, or which took up more time. in reality, the three melded together so that we were just being us, together, whether thoroughly enjoying coffee, artwork, street food or silence!

everyday, for me, was happy and adventurous -i had a girlfriend to talk to again, a fellow coffee- harry potter-peanut butter-english cinema and theatre-chinese food-human rights aficionado to share interests and activities with, an ex-colleague to wax sentimental upon ahrc with and a foreigner to be 'foreign' with!!

the week spent with her was more social and busy than my past several months perhaps:
monday- mall, beach
tuesday- haji ali (tomb), chinese lunch, coffee, shopping, xmen
wednesday- art gallery, coffee (together with another friend from hk), heritage street
thursday-lunch, beach, dinner
friday-theatre
saturday-lonavla, lavasa
sunday-harry potter, thai dinner
monday-shopping, coffee

amidst all this was of course going through lots of photos, reading, chatting and napping. oh, and getting wet in the rain too! ksa also spent considerable time trying to understand hindi tv dramas and music videos!

her visit left me rejuvenated, and with a renewed sense of wonder and possibility at living in this new city and making it my home. thank you ksa, and please come again soon!

friendship

2011-07-12T15:37:00.003+08:00

"She said no matter what person I become, there will always be in me the girl you knew, and no matter who I become, I would never have been that without knowing you."

"Dating is about figuring out what you want. Friendships — those are about figuring out who you are. What matters to you. How you see the world. And one day, hopefully if our female friendships have prepared us enough, we can take what we learn from them and make that man or woman we commit our lives to our best friend."

this is from an awesome post on friendship, female friendship in particular. it says everything that i would want to say, so i really have nothing to add here (except for my favorite spanish proverb: 'tell me who you're with, and i'll tell you who you are'!) i could write about my friends, but i won't.. at this moment, i do not feel the need to share those precious, private, wonderful moments. perhaps at some other time; for now, i am happy to relive them in my head, to know that they exist(ed).

one of my best friends, ksa, was just here visiting me. just by being her, by being here, she reminded me of everything that i wanted in life, of everything i held important, of everything i aspired to. it was not so much that i had forgotten, but that it had been buried beneath too much baggage.

i have been blessed with some truly amazing friends, alhumdolillah!

me, myself and.. who?

2011-06-23T17:07:00.003+08:00

yesterday, i opened my well thumbed, small notebook, some 13-years-old, filled with the names of books and authors i've read or wanted to read, after a good six months or so. names such as nicole mones, david mitchell, sarah waters, haruki murakami, linda grant jumped out at me. elif shafak, emma darwin, audrey niffeneger called to me silently. hanif kureishi, paulo coelho, joanna trollope, john grisham took me down memory lane to my teen years. i was assailed by the memories of words, pages, covers, feelings, stories and people; how the books made me feel, who i shared quotes and plots with, who i had recommended which book to, who had recommended which book to me. all of this, between the pages of my palm sized book, within the span of a few minutes.

why had i waited for so long to flip through its pages, when previously i would usually look through it at least once a week?

the answer is simple: i do not have access to these authors and books here. so i suppressed my urge, i tried to make do with other books. (as i seem to have done in so many other areas of life..)

but those few minutes yesterday brought home to me how much i am giving up, how lost i am without my familiar markers. if someone were to come see me and my life today, i worry that they might wonder whose presence they had disturbed. ten kilos lighter, with no bookshelves or books to speak of, no coffee, music or tv shows to gush over, who am i? when was the last time i had a conversation about harry potter, house or the coffee prince?

i live amongst people who cannot understand concepts such as lactose intolerance or atheism. this is only funny when i can share it with someone. but where is that someone?

many posts ago, i had feared losing myself -this is exactly what i was afraid of. but i don't know how to remedy the situation. it is so easy to say i need to make friends, but really, the options for that are oh-so-limited at present. and friends who read, who watch intl tv, listen to western music?! seriously, that only happens on some other planet..

forget writing what you know; believe what you write

2011-06-21T22:32:00.002+08:00

the old adage on writing has always been to write what you know. (which is strange, really, because as a child, when I did most of my fiction writing, not only did I not know much, but I always wrote about things I did not know –supermarket trolleys with a life of their own, magical birds that could talk and save you from all kinds of disasters, boarding schools and midnight feasts.) perhaps ‘know’ should not be taken so literally, perhaps it is more about ‘knowing’ the characters and places well enough to bring them to reality for someone else.

according to stephanie mooney, you need to “believe what you're writing. Know it in the pit of your stomach. Make it real.” she notes that this is how jk rowling makes you believe in quidditch and wingardium leviosa, or how jr tolkien convinces you of the characteristics of middle earth. so, you need to believe, and believe with a passion. (for those interested in writing, I recommend you read her entire post, which is quite short, but totally packed with goodies regarding writing your way to genuine characters and plot.)

mel makes a similar point, noting that you can use your own experiences and “slide sideways into something unrelated”, rather than limiting yourself to the biblical sense of what you know. I’ve been stuck with my writing for awhile, and I know it has a lot to do with me not creatively expanding my horizon, mired in the very little that I ‘know’. my characters, places and events are boring me, because they are too close to what I know, there is no space for them to grow into their own skin.

it is a little scary to suddenly throw my characters into unknown territory, to flounder along with them as they make sense of the new. but hey, they say it’s the journey that’s more important than the destination, so let’s see where the floundering lands us!

beyond the fear

2011-06-21T18:16:00.002+08:00

'if we lived our lives not doing because we were afraid, what a different life we’d live.'

aisha noted that many of the fears she has today, she had four years ago as well. oh how true. and how human. on a grand scale, this must be why history repeats itself, because we humans never learn, never get better, never move on. being older is definitely not being wiser. at least, not in the sense that we make less mistakes. only that we see our mistakes more clearly perhaps, or we are slightly more humble.

five years later, why is it that we’re still scared about the same things as five years before? most of us probably push aside the fear long enough to do what we need to do, while still being wary and uncertain. the fear never really goes away, we just learn to deal with it, and not let it take over our perspective. and as soon as we’re done, we get scared all over again. it’s like getting on a roller coaster –no matter how many rides I take, and how many times I get off it safe and sound, I’m still scared just before the ride begins. my heart is in my throat and I wonder why I’m putting myself through this, before I’m whizzed off in the air and can no longer form more coherent thoughts than, ‘OH MY GOD’.

i have heard that you don’t regret the things that you do in life, but the things that you don’t. that being the case, rumi's advice seems the most sound here:

"Keep walking. Though there's no place to get to. Don't try to see through the distances. That's not for human beings. Move within but don't move the way that fear makes you move."

if i'm always going to be scared anyways, it's better not to focus on the future, or to worry about any outcome. i will simply nudge aside the fear and do, and then do again. if i'm lucky, i will eventually not be scared. if not, well, i'll still have done what i needed..

introverts are cool

2011-06-21T14:11:00.002+08:00

carl king has this awesome list of myths about introverts, based on a book 'the introvert advantage'. as he puts it, "I feel like someone has written an encyclopedia entry on a rare race of people to which I belong." most importantly, the book reveals that introverts are apparently people who are over-sensitive to dopamine, so too much external stimulation overdoses and exhausts them. this is exactly how i feel about most social functions/engagements, and until now i thought t s eliot was the only one who understood:

"In our rhythm of earthly life we tire of light.
We are glad when the day ends, when the play ends; and ecstasy is too much pain."

carl king's list of myths about introverts make me feel oh-so-much better about myself:

Myth #1 – Introverts don’t like to talk.
This is not true. Introverts just don’t talk unless they have something to say. They hate small talk. Get an introvert talking about something they are interested in, and they won’t shut up for days. [yes, this has been pointed out to me in surprise by many an individual!]

Myth #2 – Introverts are shy.
Shyness has nothing to do with being an Introvert. Introverts are not necessarily afraid of people. What they need is a reason to interact. They don’t interact for the sake of interacting. [again, spot on.]

Myth #4 – Introverts don’t like people.
On the contrary, Introverts intensely value the few friends they have. They can count their close friends on one hand. If you are lucky enough for an introvert to consider you a friend, you probably have a loyal ally for life. Once you have earned their respect as being a person of substance, you’re in. [friends are good. acquaintances? not so much..]

Myth #5 – Introverts don’t like to go out in public.
Nonsense. Introverts just don’t like to go out in public FOR AS LONG. They also like to avoid the complications that are involved in public activities. They take in data and experiences very quickly, and as a result, don’t need to be there for long to “get it.” They’re ready to go home, recharge, and process it all. In fact, recharging is absolutely crucial for Introverts. [excuse me, it's time for my recharge, see you some other time. what a great way to put it!]

Myth #6 – Introverts always want to be alone.
Introverts are perfectly comfortable with their own thoughts. They think a lot. They daydream. They like to have problems to work on, puzzles to solve. But they can also get incredibly lonely if they don’t have anyone to share their discoveries with. They crave an authentic and sincere connection with ONE PERSON at a time. [i'm always happier with one or two persons at a time. max three.]

Myth #7 – Introverts are weird.
Introverts are often individualists. They don’t follow the crowd. They’d prefer to be valued for their novel ways of living. They think for themselves and because of that, they often challenge the norm. They don’t make most decisions based on what is popular or trendy. [no, my choice of clothes and reading material has nothing to do with 'fashion'; why would it?!]

like a brother?

2011-06-16T13:10:00.003+08:00

this post on guy friends being like brothers, and the comments it generated, made me reflect on my own relationship with my brother-cum-best friend, as well as other guy friends. having grown up with two biological brothers, i never felt the need for any additional male siblings. on the other hand, i was very much lacking in male friends. i never seemed able to become 'buddies' with guys -there was always awkward chemistry/tension involved. (or they were just too 'weird'.)

according to one of the comments to the above mentioned post,

Friendship with a girl (however platonic it may be), is perceived to come about because the girl finds you fun to hang out with, smart, and a cool company in general.. The moment 'brother' comes into picture, it seems to throw all those flattering adjectives out of the window.. no idea why it happens though.. Also, 'brother' forcefully closes the door to a lot of talk-worthy topics and that occasional harmless, playful flirting between friends of opposite sex, which I think is healthy for a normal male-female friendship..

the indian context also has the 'rakhi brother', which apparently is commonly used to keep unwelcome advances at a distance...

i agree with the above comment, and i think this has a lot to do with the way brother-sister relationships are viewed (particularly in india perhaps). i grew up seeing my younger brother more as a playmate than a sibling. close enough in age, we did many things together, shared many interests and a sense of humour. this continued until today. many a time, my girl friends would remark on the fact that we could finish each other's sentences or that he was privy to my crushes. he was my best friend, who also happened to be my brother--seemed totally normal to both of us! my relationship with my older brother is far more conventional, due to various factors i guess, age difference perhaps being the biggest.

the point i want to make i guess, is that it really depends on the kind of relationship one has--while there is no playful flirting going on between me and my younger brother, he is much more my best friend than simply my brother. the few good guy friends i do have now however--again without any possibility of romance/sex on the table--are also not in the 'brother' category though..

writing through distractions

2011-06-15T13:07:00.002+08:00

it is so easy to get distracted, to stray from your goals, to not write diligently. a recent comment on my last post reminded me that it’s been 15 days since I last blogged –huh, how did that happen? where did those 15 days go? I know that there have been numerous blog worthy instances occurring in the past two weeks, but the time and inclination to write has just passed me by. it’s like if I don’t consciously take note of things and force myself to write them out, they just remain elusive thoughts and ideas floating in the universe. this is not to say that it is difficult to write regularly; it is just too easy to get sidetracked and not write. if I had actually written every time I’d had an idea in the last 15 days, I might have ended up with one post every two days! [note to self: write through all distractions. in fact, distractions can be great topics for blog posts!]

so promptly seems like a great exercise to join.

In defence of the human rights defender: FMA Razzak’s story told

2011-05-30T18:51:00.002+08:00

States and state agents have historically used violence to stifle public debate, and silence their critics. In many countries around the world today, states no longer rely heavily upon overtly coercive methods and instead acknowledge the need for authentic debate. But in many others, states and state agents continue to resort primarily to coercive methods.

In such countries, some persons try to break the silence on matters of importance that threaten repressive systems for social control. These persons we honour with the title, “human rights defender”. Oftentimes, the efforts of these persons seem small, especially to people in countries where authentic debate is taken for granted. Yet, such efforts necessarily begin small, and build up only with years of hard work.

Despite their appearance of smallness, such efforts challenge fundamental principles on which the state’s power is based. For this reason, human rights defenders in these countries inevitably become targets for violence. Sometimes the violence seems arbitrary. Sometimes it seems grossly disproportionate to the small efforts of the person.

People unfamiliar with the milieu in which the human rights defender has been working naturally have trouble seeing how apparently small efforts to change society can provoke savagery. At such moments, those people who work with the human rights defender have a special responsibility to delineate the person sharply from his social and political environment, and in so doing, to set out some features of that environment, so that others can also understand why the person has been made the subject of violence.

For this reason, the Asian Human Rights Commission is issuing this short narrative on the work of a Bangladeshi human rights defender, FMA Razzak.

The story of how members of an army officer’s family barbarically attacked and almost killed Razzak, gouging at his eyes and breaking his limbs, is now internationally known. The AHRC has set up a campaign webpage, which it is updating constantly, providing the latest details on the case and on subsequent events.

The purpose of this narrative is not to iterate all the contents of statements and appeals on the attack against Razzak, but to explain what motivated the attack, and to show how the police, judiciary and National Human Rights Commission in Bangladesh are working not to defend this human rights defender but to enable the continuance of violence and impunity in their country. To do this, we must begin with the story of Razzak, the human rights defender. That story, although specifically the story of Razzak, is more generally the story of the human rights defender as Bangladeshi; the story of anyone who sincerely believes and fights for human rights in such a country.

Read the entire narrative here.

india's missing gender

2011-05-25T14:19:00.004+08:00

there have been several media reports within the past week or so regarding the rise of aborting girl foetuses and the resultant shortage of girls in indian society. this is an old, old story, but here are some new (for me at any rate) arguments/facts mentioned:

-the increasing abortion of second girl children amongst india's rich and educated does not mean their higher preference for boy children, but rather indicates their greater access to sex selection, abortion and their ability to evade the law. [or both perhaps?]

-caste continues to perpetuate dowry because the system restricts the supply of marriage partners, as a result of which, efficient matching of individuals doesn’t occur. caste thus acts as "a barrier in the free market of marriage. Then dowry becomes a method to bid for mates, signal social status and perpetuate an arms race to reach the top of the pecking order. Free enterprise has unshackled the economy, but the beneficiaries are operating in a restricted marriage market, limited by caste. They just demand higher dowries now."

-to counteract all this, laws can be used more creatively: tax breaks for mixed-caste marriages, grants for having girl children, government benefits for gender neutral employers [yes!]

monday grace

2011-05-23T17:19:00.002+08:00

1. maaraz al burhani. what an awesome exhibition has been created on the life of syedna mohammed burhanuddin (tus). which is no surprise really: moula's life has been so awe-some, that an exhibition tabulating it cannot be any less so. i am blessed to witness both. mashallah.

2. 'comments are the new hug'. i have been increasingly finding refuge and inspiration online, and i like very much the idea of an online community to be part of, to feel connected with. (yes, perhaps i would not be so enamoured if i had an actual group of friends to rely on here, but in their absence, i will happily make do with this!) people commenting on my blog, me commenting on theirs, having a 'conversation' in this way feels good. international comment leaving week is the icing on the cake!

3. more inspiration: http://www.project-syndicate.org/

4. ck's birthday! many many happy returns of the day ya helwa. i am so glad to have known you, shared milestones (and much else) with you. here's to many more memories :)

buddha's teachings

2011-05-16T20:21:00.002+08:00

while working, i came across the following teachings of buddha, which i thought i'd share:

“However many holy words you read, however many you speak, what good will they do if you do not act upon them?”

“We are what we think… What we think, we become.”

“I never see what has been done; I only see what remains to be done.”

“Pay no attention to the faults of others, things done or left undone by others. Consider only what by oneself is done or left undone.”

“Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others… No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.”

“Each morning we are born again, what we do today is what matters most.”

friendship and gratitude

2011-05-10T18:25:00.004+08:00

When I am insecure or self-critical, my friends are both mirrors and crystal balls. They reflect all the good things about me I cannot see, and they assure me that my future is as bright as I want it to be. (192)

I don’t think this means that your friends verbally reassure you. At least, that’s not what I take it to mean. It’s more like… Your friends say (figuratively) a lot about you. They show what kind of person you are, and what kind of person you want to be. That’s why it’s important to seek out people who challenge and motivate you. Who are doing things you respect, who have qualities you admire. [yes! exactly!]

For the record, my friends constantly amaze me.

Success surely means surrounding myself with loving people who bring me joy. (194)

i read the above here this morning, and it reminded me of the proverb, "tell me who you're with, and i'll tell you who you are". as i wrote in an earlier post, i am so lucky to have made some amazing friends, each of whom inspires me in different ways, each of whom has different qualities for me to admire and attempt to emulate. and most importantly, they inspire me to be the best i can be. i actually LIKE myself when i'm with them.

their absence on this new journey of mine has left me adrift and lost. and then, this afternoon, one of these wonderful friends sends me the following:

..along with your gratitude list, make an i'm great too list, where you pen down all the wonderful things about you. start with i'm so modest i don't see how great i am.

i can help you with that list - i can tell you what a loyal friend you are, or that you have wonderful eyes, or that you are witty and make me laugh. i can tell you stuff and much more, but it's not important that i believe. it's important that it comes from you, that you see your own value. and that you know that even though you have your flaws, that you have some wonderful qualities - not in comparison to anyone, but just good things that you have. i'm sure you can come up with five everyday. you can find a format that works best for you.. i suggest the 'today i feel + i'm great word'.

for example, here is mine right now. today i feel wise - i can dispense great advise to my friend.. just let it be at that moment where you are nice to yourself, and stay there. you don't need the negativity. slowly you'll fend it off. and slowly you'll emerge, not dust-free or coal-free, but a diamond nonetheless.

h is lucky to have found you. i am lucky to have found you. i hope you find yourself too, you're luckily the closest to you.

THIS is what friends are for. they hear the song in your heart and sing it to you when your memory fails!

today i feel blessed and lucky and loved. thank you ck, and all my wonderful friends :)

waiting for closure

2011-05-10T13:18:00.002+08:00

where did you go, why did you leave?
now only emptiness remains
and so many unanswered questions

all the hopes and dreams you encompassed,
lie shattered,
i cannot even begin to pick up the pieces
everywhere i look, the glass shards reflect your image
or perhaps my tears blur everything but your face,
your small body, your fingers grasping mine

from where sabr will come, i cannot imagine
i will wait for it though; what else can I do
you are gone
and my arms are empty

you must be in a better place
where the sun is always shining,
where there is no room for pain and destruction,
where love and light make flowers bloom eternally

but here, where i sit,
there is no sun, no light
only your face illuminates the clouds around my heart

i hold your toys and rock myself to numbness
i wait for sabr, for closure

i wait

lessons learnt? nil.

2011-05-04T17:26:00.005+08:00

i read this post at zen habits the other day, about life lessons learnt. and i got to thinking, what have i learnt in my three decades in this world? i mean, really learnt, through experience, not just principles or platitudes that i've read and agreed with. the sad answer, is very little. what does that tell me about my life, my experiences?

in fact, at this particular point of my life journey, i am constantly faced with how little i know about anything, how ill equipped i am for so many things, how few useful skills i have (i am a terrible cook, i cannot speak or read the languages dominant here, i know nothing about the dynamics of life within large, extroverted families, my innate shyness and respect for rules is an obstacle to pretty much everything here, and i am clueless as to how to get rid of so much dust. i could go on, but i will desist).

where once i was a well read, well informed working professional, with various multicultural experiences under her rida, able to converse in more than two languages, friends and family in several continents, i am now a susceptible foreigner, clueless and friendless . oh, how the mighty have fallen.

burnt shadows

2011-04-28T13:44:00.002+08:00

a beautiful novel by kamila shamsie. in every sense of the word - beautiful prose, beautiful sentiment, beautiful characters, a beautiful world (even amidst wars and blood, pain and loss). it soothed me when i first started reading it -again, it was one of those novels that came when its presence was needed. it evokes memories of the gift of rain. i will look for shamsie's other books -there's four of them, yay!

"The old man shakes his head, aware of the foolishness he is exhibiting in staring at the young woman who is entirely unaware of him, but grateful, too, for something in the world which can still prompt foolishness in him."

"..as for justice, it seemed an insult to the dead to think there could be any such thing."

"I love that about the Americans-the way they see certain kinds of craziness as signs of character."

"..until you see a place you've known your whole life reduced to ash you don't realise how much we crave familiarity.. I want to hear Japanese. I want tea that tastes the way tea should taste in my understanding of tea. I want to look like the people around me. I want people to disapprove when I break the rules and not simply to think that I don't know better. I want doors to slide open instead of swinging open."

"'but I'm at home in the idea of foreigness'. When Hiroko heard her say that she knew she'd found a friend."

"If the greatest loss of his life is the loss of a dream he's always known to be a dream, then he's among the fortunate ones."

"He almost laughed at this strange hierarchy which placed the law above advice by an elder.."

"That was the thing about Harry Burton which made his smiles so impossible to resist -when he said a thing, he meant it. For that moment."

"A city in which she could hear Urdu, English, Japanese, German all in the space of a few minutes. The miracle of it! Sometimes she rode the subways, overheard conversations her only destination."

"Nothing foreign about foreignness in this city. 'Like Marry Poppins' handbag', Ilse had said to explain how much the little island of Manhattan could hold within it. She felt she had been waiting all her life to arrive here."

monday grace

2011-04-25T16:38:00.004+08:00

1. health. a recent familial health scare reminded me of the fickle nature of life and good health. it also showed me a glimpse of what life could be like for chronically ill patients and those caring for them.

parents and family members ageing and developing illnesses is today the norm. i am no longer in my 20s, when health concerns were nowhere on my radar.

i am thankful however, that at least today, everyone i love is in good health. may this always be the case.

2. writing. the satisfaction i feel at finishing one article on corruption in india is immense (and has me eagerly anticipating what could be next..). as is the satisfaction of starting some other, fictional writing. regardless of the outcome, the journey so far has been fun :)

3. inspiration. i love finding new blogs/websites that speak to me, inspire me, act as my virtual guides in this journey of life. the latest of these are:
http://zenhabits.net/ -a great place to go for advice on simplifying your life, remembering what really matters, and just breathing.
and http://www.sprogblogger.com/ -a new mama's blog, filled with humour and grace (and some non-mama stuff!).

optimism or denial?

2011-04-13T19:29:00.003+08:00

i am confused about the fine line between optimism and/or faith and denial. websites and conversations are inundated with 'stay positive', 'believe things will work out', ‘fake it till you make it’, 'a smiling face will half your sorrows'. which reminded me of the hadith on always keeping a smiling face--of which I cannot recall the exact words right now; if anyone knows it, do share! (and that brought home to me (quite unpleasantly in fact) that praying namaz five times a day is not all that islam expects from me. but me being a poor muslim is not the subject of this post...)

i am not one of those persons who can smile and pretend the world is beautiful when I do not actually feel that way. apart from physically and mentally finding it a challenge, i also see it as deceitful. why should i say i’m fine when i’m not?

on the other hand, i’m rather tired of wallowing. every step i take forward, i stumble two more backward. is it better to sit and cry at my lack of progress and my oh so weary legs, or to rest briefly, smile and move forward yet again? if i have no choice but to remain on the road, then i pick the second option.

perhaps the difference is this- i am not denying my lack of progress and my weariness, just affirming that with patience, faith and yes, a smile, the road will eventually get easier to walk on. if i believe there is a reason for me to be on this road, then i must also believe that the means to walk it are also with me, that this burden is not more than i can bear.

and if this is in fact denial, then hey, I’m faithfully in denial!

monday grace

2011-04-11T17:23:00.002+08:00

1. 'unjust' won an award. jo's film won a special jury award at the 'movies that matter' film festival, 24-30 march 2011, the hague, yay!

2. 'just write'. i've been devouring the web recently for articles, blogs and websites on writing tips and tools. the most consistent advice i found was nicely summed up by aisha- 'just write'! indeed. like with anything else, first you need to begin, and then you need to keep going. in between, you will put in the necessary time and effort to become good, inshallah.

other useful blogs/sites i found: http://writerunboxed.com/,
http://edittorrent.blogspot.com/,
http://procrastinatingwritersblog.com/2010/01/are-you-talking-yourself-out-of-your-writing-dreams/

3. making plans with a friend. in this huge new city where just the people i know (excluding H's family!) can be counted on my fingers, let alone any friends i may have, it is wonderful to make girly plans and have something to look forward to at the end of the week :)

'un'reality tv

2011-04-07T18:54:00.003+08:00

hindi tv serials (soap operas in other words) are insane. really. the clothes, make up, jewellery, houses are out of this world. who lives in these gorgeous palaces today, wears those fancy clothes with matching accessories and make up, and not only sleeps in the same attire, but wakes up with uncreased clothes, spotless make up and perfect hair???

i could go on with the unrealities portrayed, but i will refrain. i just want to rant about one particular aspect –i HATE it when they show these gorgeous women, in their gorgeous clothes and hair and make up, go into the kitchen, and whip up spectacular meals in the space of minutes, and all without dropping any onions, or spilling any water, or feeling any heat (the heat is something that bothers me the most about being in the kitchen!), and serve up these meals as though there was nothing to it.

i know this is all unreal and make believe, and yet it bothers me every time. it still makes me feel a tad bit inadequate, a tad bit guilty. why, you ask? for despising the heat, for being all worn and sweaty after chopping and stirring and slaving at the stove, for it taking me hours to cook a simple dish, for me being ready to lie on the bed with the ac on as soon as I’m done. most importantly, for not enjoying being there, for not being as happy as those women are in their kitchens. aaarrggghhhh. darn stupid serials.

marriage as growth

2011-04-06T18:35:00.006+08:00

being married for even a few months has shown me that marriage is no walk in the park (unless it happens to be jurassic park, as a forwarded sms noted!). while i chose the following vows prior to getting married,

Because marriage is a discipline
To be added to a list of achievements...

Because marriages do not fail, people fail
When they enter into marriage
Expecting another to make them whole...

Because, knowing this,
I promise myself to take full responsibility
For my spiritual, mental and physical wholeness
I create me,
I take half of the responsibility for my marriage...[mari nichols, 'why marriage?']

i cannot say that since then, i've done a very good job of taking care of myself, of not depending on H for my happiness and emotional well being. (i'd like to say that moving to a new country surely allows me some leeway here, but five months on, that rings a little hollow..)

i read some stuff today that renewed my resolve to work harder at being a better person, a happier person, and hopefully, in the process, a better spouse:

“Marriage is not designed to make us happy. What makes you happy is way too vague and elusive. What makes you happy changes with the seasons and the stages in life. And often, once you obtain whatever it is that would make you happy, it’s short lived and fleeting. If I define my life and live my life only by what makes me happy – I’m going to harm a lot of people along the way.”

“Marriage is designed for one thing: growth.” [http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/2009/11/the-best-marriage-advice-you-ever-got/comment-page-1/#comment-4773]

**

The best marriage advice I ever received was from my counselor….it was that you cannot change your spouse. You can change yourself, which will indirectly change your spouse. It’s hard to change yourself. It’s hard to look inward. It’s hard to get past the ego and see the raw ugly truth about yourself. You have to be patient with yourself. But once you see it….you can do something about it. And once you do something about it, everyone else around you seems to change.[http://www.projecthappilyeverafter.com/2009/11/the-best-marriage-advice-you-ever-got/comment-page-1/#comment-4751]

**

Why can I confidently say that marriage is worth it? Because... there is more to learn about ourselves than we could have ever dared imagine back when we were first single... I hope that the years that I am married serve as the refining fire I believe God intends them to be, molding and shaping me into someone who is more like Jesus than she was before.

I mean, really, in the Bible, God compares a marriage relationship to that of Jesus’ relationship with us for a reason. Because it is amazingly similar. Believers are referred to as “the bride of Christ.” We are lovely, loved and chosen, both as wives and as believers, to enter into a love relationship. And then what do we do? Show our admiration and appreciation by loving Jesus, and our husbands, flawlessly in return? Um, not. We flounder around, cause pain to our Beloved, make hurtful remarks and love imperfectly. And our spouses return the favor, loving us imperfectly, too. Showing us their flaws and weaknesses. And we have the chance to turn away in anger, rejecting our spouses, or to do what Christ does with us: Keep on loving anyway. The way God loves us all, no matter what, is such an inspiration in my own marriage. [http://mycharmingkids.net/2011/01/marriage-is-really-really-hard-work/]

and, of course, there is the islamic concept that engaging in any behaviour with the aim of pleasing allah is akin to worship. these will all be my new guides to personal growth, and inshallah, a strong and happy marriage! if you have any other tips, i'm all ears (or eyes)!

travel diary

2011-03-28T18:03:00.003+08:00

agra-delhi-manali, 8-15 march 2011

yes, this post is a tad overdue, but that's okay. in ck's words, i've been mulling a little!

it was a wonderful holiday. there was lots of history to keep me fascinated, enough walking to make up for four months of sedentary life, cold and snow and my winter wardrobe (unpacked after over a year) to soften the pressure of this crazy heat (it's march and temperatures are already soaring over 30 degrees celsius, ugh), entire constellations of stars in a clear black sky, and lots of yummy food (including steamed dumplings and apple pancakes, ahhhh).

our backpacks (and perhaps H's bright red, 'lost in hk' tshirt) led all kinds of people to think we were foreigners, which amused me to no end, but caused H some grief and puzzlement.

being away from our usual routine and daily pressures was bliss. it was nice to while away our days sightseeing, wake up late, not worry about family waiting for us, chat about shahjahan and movies and food and everything but bills, family and home repairs!

travelling is good for the soul, and it was good for us -to just be together, to recall our 'dating' days, to wander, hand in hand, in our own world.

coming back to bombay was more of a reality shock than i expected. the magic disappeared before i even had a chance to blink. sigh. oh well. until the next holiday, i will browse through the photos and smile at the memories.

monday grace

2011-03-28T16:53:00.002+08:00

1. milad e maevi. to witness moula's 100th milad is beyond awesome. to be here in bombay, to do deedar -alhumdolillah!

2. 'bloom where you are planted'. i read this quote (amidst a beautiful post) some time ago, and was struck by its beauty, as well as its difficulty (for me). but yesterday, reading the post 'other people's problems' reminded me of the quran ayat, 'on no soul does allah place a greater burden than it can bear'. that being the case, i can in fact, bloom where i am planted. i can find beauty in adversity, i can enjoy the roses with their thorns. i can i can i can :)

3. fajr namaz. H and i have been waking up for fajr namaz for a little over a week, yay! after every ramadan, i would tell myself that i will continue waking up to pray fajr. of course, i would consistently fail to do so. i thought i would wait for the 40-day mark before a virtual pat on the back, but i couldn't resist! (inshallah, we'll make the 40-day mark, which will entail a further pat/post!)

monday grace

2011-03-07T19:26:00.003+08:00

1. second hand book sellers. i’ve been mourning hk’s awesome public libraries, where i could so easily satisfy my book addiction (for free!), as well as spend hours lounging on comfy chairs/sofas. no such libraries seem to exist here in mumbai, which has led me to frequent crossword, a chain bookstore (the equivalent of dymocks perhaps..). books here are expensive (as they are in hk), particularly the ones I want to read. (and no, corner book sellers don’t sell anything more than popular fiction.) so i was thrilled to find these wonderful book sellers at fountain, where there are feet high stacks of books. i still couldn’t find david mitchell or audrey niffenegger, but I did find jhumpa lahiri, vikas swarup, vikram chandra and many more.

even better: i can return the books when I’m done and get a 50 percent refund! oh bliss!

2. holiday planning. H and i are going on a week long vacation, and it’s fun to plan and pack and wonder. the last time i planned (and went on) a holiday was oct 2009, to south korea, which was awesome. may this be even better inshallah (and lead to more fruitful blogging)! oh, the excitement!

3. reconnecting. i recently reconnected with someone from my auc life on facebook, and it was nice. once again, I am thankful for the communication means available to us today; no matter anything else, I would rather have the option of glimpsing their life from pictures, status updates, shared links and comments, than not.

chowringhee

2011-03-07T12:17:00.003+08:00

‘chowringhee’ by bengali author sankar was my first indian language novel translated into english. the bengali version came out in 1962; while certain customs and events mark the time, it does not read as a period novel, with the story focusing largely on human emotions and needs and urges--people have the same aspirations today as they did then, and many customs continue dictating their lives. it’s a huge novel in scope and characters. the plot is not as tight or fast paced, but the characters and ambience make up for that.

i am excited to have the chance to read more such translations and more desi authors in general, which I was not privy to in hk. i have my next read lined up, 'burnt shadows' by pakistani author kamila shamsie :)

some quotes from chowringhee:

tagore poem: “in all countries I have an abode, yet I have spent my life searching for it.”

“There will come a day when, like a tape recorder, a past recorder will be available—we’ll be able to sit before an old house and listen to its autobiography.”

“…how to create extraordinary harmony through ordinary means… how to achieve greatness through simplicity.”

“One can’t really serve another in the hotel of the world. We can at best hold out the tray, like good waiters. People will have to pick out their own rewards.”

“…took a long dip in the blue pool of nostalgia.”

“Each of us had been born in a different place, at different times and yet, floating on the tide of time, the three of us had gathered at the same moment on the terrace of Shajahan.”

monday grace

2011-02-28T18:43:00.004+08:00

1. horoscope:

If you have been waiting for a time when things would free up a bit in your life, congratulations -- it is here! The rough road you have been traveling on is going to get decidedly smoother and sunnier. Take a deep breath and enjoy the fact that no one is looking over your shoulder anymore and no one is tapping his or her feet waiting for you. The strings that were attached to you have been clipped, and you are now free to roam on your own. Enjoy yourself!

i needed to read that. really.

2. 'my awkward moments in muslim prayer': this made me laugh out loud while reading. it is still making me grin. i need more such material!!

reclaiming my faith

2011-02-27T22:55:00.006+08:00

my faith and religious practice have been something that i have been able to take for granted for most of my life. i grew up in an environment where both were a given. i share this given with both my siblings and the majority of my bohra friends.

as i have noted before, it is easier to have faith when the sun is shining and things are going my way. similarly, i find it easier to practice my faith when it is shared by others, when i am surrounded by fellow practitioners.

with a change in my environment, i find myself floundering a little. there are suddenly many excuses for my lapses in namaz and other deeds. yes, there are more obstacles now than before. yes, the road to good practice is no longer paved concrete. however, i am realizing that only i can reclaim my faith and practice. i will have to forge a new road for myself, and i will use the memory of the old one to help me. when my day of reckoning comes, i won't have to say that it was too hard, that my environment was not conducive. i will, inshallah, return to that road i grew up on, and will meet my fellow companions there (and perhaps take some new ones with me!).

inspired people and writing

2011-02-23T17:00:00.005+08:00

i meant to write this post some days ago, during the protests against hosni mubarak/just after he stepped down, but that didn't happen. no matter, now i have more links to share (see below).

during the protests, i was truly awed and ecstatic by the number of fellow aucians/egyptians/arabs who were involved, no matter in what way- out on the streets, praying in another country, organizing protests in another continent, sharing information, checking up on their friends and family through cyberspace, and whatever else. i was proud to have known these people, to have shared a class, a coffee, a campus with them. i was even more proud to see how far they had come, how responsible, decent, courageous and passionate they were now being. ten years ago, discussing revolutions and reform and democracy in lectures and coffee shops had now come to fruition for them in a way that none of us had ever imagined i'm sure..

i have been lucky enough to work in a field related to my passion and my studies for the past many years. democracy, human rights, governance and accountability are part of my daily bread and butter. not so for many of my fellow aucians. this made their passion and contribution all the more profound.

the tiny sparks of inspiration i was able to glean from them, from so far away, has been seen by many others, around the world. the ongoing wave of protests in the region is but one indication of this.

i came across much inspired and insightful writing at this time, which i wanted to share:

http://blogs.aljazeera.net/middle-east/2011/02/21/what-next-mad-dog-libya
'what next for the 'mad dog' of libya' -the awakening of the arab world, without foreign intervention, and the sad fact that the "western governments seem as opposed to freedom and democracy as the despots who have ruled the Arab world for decades".

http://ipsnews.net/news.asp?idnews=54577
'now gaddafi makes the same mistake'- analysis on how regime violence merely emphasizes its lack of legitimacy and lessens public support

http://blogs.aljazeera.net/asia/2011/02/20/call-me-if-theres-revolution
'call me if there's a revolution' - a journalist lists why there won't be a similar revolution in china

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2011/feb/09/uprising-revealed-real-egypt
'uprising has revealed the real egypt' - the political awareness of egyptians and their legitimate demands

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-middle-east-12393795
writer ahdaf soueif on egyptians finally 'reclaiming the spirit of egypt'

if you have other links to share, i'm always happy to hear from you!

monday grace

2011-02-22T01:24:00.006+08:00

1. the weather. i cannot tell you how much i have been dreading the mumbai heat. not being in hk, i missed winter this year, and now have no idea when i will get the chance again to be cold, to wear warm clothes, to snuggle up in my comforter! mumbai's idea of winter is about 18 degrees celcius, and that too generally at night, for only a few days/nights. surprisingly, this year the nights continue to be 19-20 degrees, and the days while sunny, are free from humidity, thus still bearable. i will enjoy however much of this pleasant weather is left before the heat kicks in..

2. z's book project is finally happening, and i am SO proud and happy for her. check it out: http://www.ispeakformyself.com/

3. blogs. i've started following a couple of new desi blogs lately, which are good: http://thecompulsiveconfessor.blogspot.com/
http://www.withinandwithout.com/

4. furniture. i am now typing this at my desk, sitting on a chair; bliss! my cute work corner is now set up next to the window, from which trees and a long winding road keep me company. we've got some other furniture made as well, so our home is no longer as bare as it once was.. sure, there's a long way to go yet, but that's okay!

monday grace

2011-02-14T17:00:00.004+08:00

1. rida. yesterday, i was invited to a mitishitabi, for young women. it was fun. one of the topics (unsurprisingly) was rida. as i listened to one woman share her experience of being complimented and respected for her rida in a foreign country, it reminded me that some of the nicest, most profound compliments i've ever been given, have all related to me wearing the rida. from friends and professors at uni, to strangers at seminars, to fellow muslims and colleagues, i've been showered with sincere and soul lifting remarks. it was wonderful to remember these, which i had forgotten in the daily grind of life, and amidst family suggestions that i may sometimes like to consider wearing something else. the comment that stays uppermost in mind, and was very much needed at the time it was uttered, was, "you wear your rida so naturally I don't even notice".

alhumdolillah, i've been wearing the rida for over ten years now, without faltering. there have been moments of doubt and confusion, but those were minor and passed. and yes, i've had to deal with strange looks, whispered conversations, asinine comments and even rejections from suitors, but nothing huge, nothing obstructive or menacing (at that time though, I might have thought the world was falling apart!). i've travelled the world, i've hiked and swum and played badminton, i've been to carnivals and concerts and the theatre, and I can now say I am proud and thankful that I did it all in my rida.

2. being wanted. I came across this post more than a year ago, and it resonated deeply:

Dear God, Ya Rabbul Alamin
I wonder what it is like to be wanted by someone? I imagine it must be a great feeling. In my life so far, as You know too well more than anyone, I have always done the wanting, never been wanted by anyone.

Hope I am still not saying that closer to my death. I guess life carries on and time will not wait and for some people, some things will not be a reality, but it would be nice to experience this just once in my life, even if it is for a short while. Please.

some time later, I was no longer alone, I was in love, and loved in return. being wanted, being loved are indeed amazing feelings, and I pray that everyone experiences such joy. on that note, happy valentine's day! (i received my first ever valentine gift yesterday!!)

a day in the life of india

2011-02-08T17:24:00.002+08:00

prior to moving, i had thought that living here would give me lots to write about.. this has clearly not been the case. perhaps i have been too distracted by other aspects of my new life.. i came across this times of india project today however, which seems like fun, and brought to mind my lack of india writing/observing:

Cows sunbathing on expressways. Bare-bodied sadhus on cellphones. Chappal combats in Parliament. Spitting and urinating in public places. Chaos, golmaal, jugaad... all pieces of a vast multi-cultural mosaic called India.

The Times of India invites the entire nation to come together to help create this mosaic, with A Day in the Life of India. All you need to do is to shoot a photo or video , draw a cartoon or just tell us a joke , on anything you feel makes India, India.

the contest is open till march 15, 2011 and you can visit www.day.in to enter. some of the suggested themes are:

Chalta Hai India: Don't we all know the infamous "I don't care" attitude. Dumping garbage on roads, playing cards at work, cops sleeping on duty... the list is endless!

Pushy India: We love pushing and shoving, be it in a bank queue, on a public transport or at ticket counters.

Overloaded India: Typical scenes of over-usage of capacity of all kinds... remember the famous Fevicol ad?

Bizarre India: We inherit the strangest of customs, rituals and superstitions and pass it on generations after generations, like idols drinking milk, walking barefoot on fire, etc.

Golmaal India: Bribery, underhand nexus, cutting corners, phoney red lights, touts and fake brands.

Jugaad India: We invented this phenomenon. It is all about bending and bypassing rules to get a job done.

Chaotic India: We live in complete disarray, no lane driving, chaotic parking, queues for procuring ration and temples on Thursdays...

Technicolour India: A medley of colours that India is... ghagra cholis, kitschy trucks, Holi ke rang, etc.

Incredible India: The beauty and heritage of India, the monuments, wildlife, beaches and the resplendence of festivals.

Sign of the Times: The happy-go-lucky use of English in India. Remember all the times you have seen signs saying "child beer" or heard people entering a building from the "backside".

i'm sure i won't enter the contest, but it'd be nice to begin my own 'a day in the life of india'..

monday grace

2011-02-07T22:33:00.006+08:00

1. family. the unconditional love and acceptance of family is something that i am only now appreciating. no matter my tantrums, my shortfalls, my peeves, they are there, solid and unwavering in their support and shelter. none of us are perfect, and my relationship with various family members may be complicated and fraught with various tensions. but at the end of the day, i can count on the cushion of their love and familiarity to comfort my weary spirit.

with this realization comes yet another: even now, i cannot truly comprehend the depth of parental love. as a child, i used to mock and shrug off my mom's comment that i would understand when i became a parent myself. how long it took me to begin seeing the wealth of emotion, patience and angst behind that statement.

2. being in the same country, the same city as raudat tahera. i recall a long ago comment made by someone in cairo, of that land being hard on people, filling their path with difficulties. my immediate thought was that any hardships were surely mitigated by the presence of rasul husain. despite the various evolutions of my faith since then, i know that i would rather be in the presence of raudat tahera than not. i have unfortunately not made the most of this blessing so far, but i intend to remedy this from today, inshallah.

monday grace

2011-02-02T17:14:00.004+08:00

if i could hold on to a moment of bliss
if i could use it as a charm,
a light in the dark

if i could collect those moments,
weave them into a blanket
so i would always be warm,
always surrounded by joy

my plan to collect such moments is through writing them down here. for a long time, i've thought about doing something similar to a 'three beautiful things thursday' but just never got around to it. this is the perfect time to start, i believe. i KNOW that while everyday is not great, there is something good in every day, but it is so easy to lose track of that, to not see the forest for the trees. this will not only help me to take stock of my week, it will also give me beauty to collect, and it will take me farther on z's 'fake it till you make it' mantra!

so here goes!

1. my work and colleagues. i am SO thankful to be doing work that fulfils and engages me, that i am good at, that makes me feel productive and allows me to participate in creating a better world. and i am just as awed to have colleagues who are my friends, who are dedicated to their cause, who are good, decent people.

2. internet. i cannot imagine my life without the internet. i wouldn't be able to work from home (or in another country for that matter!) for one, i would have to rely on expensive phone calls and snail mail to communicate with my family and friends (not at all the same as email, chat and facebook) and i would miss out on all the wonderful blogs and websites i daily consume.

3. chocolate. really, that stuff is awesome. even better with nuts, biscuits and rice crispies. never fails to make me feel better, and it even works as a mild pain reliever. (my eyes are now straying to the 5 star bar on the dressing table, which i don't want to open because H got it for me, and it reminds me of the first chocolate bar he gave me, which i didn't open for at least a month, and then consumed over another month :)

4. following the events in egypt over the past week have been inspiring. it is wonderful to see the unity and spirit of the people there, and it brings back many fond memories of my four years there. i have so many friends who are either from there, living there or have a vested interest there.. it is way past time for mubarak to leave and for egypt to move forwards. i would love to go back there one day soon, and for the country to be in a much better state than when i had left, inshallah!

train reading

2011-01-10T18:42:00.003+08:00

reading on the mtr during my daily commute to work is something i'd been doing for SO long. having a book in my bag was like having my wallet, phone or keys with me. it was part of my routine, it was familiar, it made my day that much better. i never paid attention to the station announcements as i was too engrossed in my current read; instead, i had memorized the colors of all the stations, so that as i soon as i looked up from my book and out the window, i would know where i was and how many more paragraphs could be read.

not only have i missed my reading addiction in the past few months, i have also missed the mtr. two days ago, i took my new book onto the local train and happily got through an hour long journey. i had to pay more attention to the stations as my color codes don't work here, but that's okay. that sense of familiarity, of owning the journey, of being transported away from my conscious self; these more than made up for the lack of air conditioning, the uncomfortable seats, the unknown stations. holding that book felt like holding a charm, one that would ease my way in this new land. it reminded me of h's advice to find and hold on to the familiar; this is one way to hold on to myself..

november 29, 2010

2010-12-03T17:29:00.004+08:00

i'm not sure whether i was looking forward more to nov 3 or nov 29 this year! i was very keen to blog about the 29th, more just to see the date on the blog than anything else perhaps! as fate would have it, i had no computer access that day, being on a surprise weekend trip with H to celebrate our joint birthday :)

one of my teenage fantasies was to marry a fellow saggitarian. i recall hours spent in the school library browsing through a huge almanac on zodiac signs.. the page regarding saggitarius couples was perhaps the most worn out!

not only is H a fellow saggitarian, but we actually have the same birthday- if only all my fantasies came alive so sweetly ;)

it was a wonderful day, a wonderful weekend; thank you H. and for H, thank you fate!

connected

2010-11-24T23:07:00.003+08:00

some time ago, i was having a conversation with ck regarding what it means to be 'home'; in (semi) jest, i noted that recording what makes me feel at home here, or what makes our new apt into a home would make for interesting blogging. coincidentally, a few days later, after a long and impatient wait (on my part), we finally got the internet set up at home. i don't consider myself to be all that much of a techie or online freak, but when i saw my persona-fied browser open up with all my bookmarks and history, i was literally floating with happiness. sitting with my laptop on the bed, i felt like i was finally home.

being online the last few days has made me feel much better, less homesick. i am able to communicate with my friends and family now, read the news, catch up on my fav blogs and websites; all of this adds to my feeling of being home. this is a state of mind, nothing to do with possessions and material objects. those have their own place in making our apt into a home, but this sense of connection is far more important at present :)

playing house

2010-11-07T22:23:00.003+08:00

i'm married!! it's been less than a week, but the past few days in our new apt have been so busy and filled with the mundane that i almost don't remember being a recent bride!

i was worried about how the wedding would pan out, but alhumdolillah, everything went well. there were the usual hiccups and dramas and tensions, but overall H and i both enjoyed ourselves. i was the most nervous right before the nikah, but once that was over, i calmed down and everything went smoothly. i recall sitting in the thaal in hk and listening to various not so fun wedding experiences and memories; i am glad and thankful that my memories are all happy and fun :) in fact, compared to my initial month in india, the period of the wedding was far better! in the words of p and jh, it is no surprise, as i am generally happier when H is around :P

as we settle in to our new place, and get used to sharing living space, i feel like i am playing at house! i cannot believe that we are in fact married; that i am married! everything is so new and novel..

the road not taken

2010-10-24T12:51:00.005+08:00

i find myself standing in awe at the road that lies ahead of me. this is a place i never thought i would arrive at. i cannot say that the reasons no longer matter, but their place is definitely not in this post. or on this road in fact; i would like to leave them behind, bury them and let them dissipate into the earth. i don't want to be burdened with their weight any longer.

i want to be as light and free as a bird, i want to skip and hop my way along this road. i suddenly realize that shedding the weight of that ever present burden, as well as shedding my old life and skin, opens the way to so many new possibilities and experiences. i am excited, nervous, giddy, terrified and humbled all at once. i have no idea how this journey will pan out, but i am sure there will be many twists, turns, highs and lows. i will deal with them as they appear; better yet, WE will deal with them together! for now, i am simply thrilled to be on our way :)

cocoon

2010-10-12T18:47:00.005+08:00

reading and writing are the two things that (unsurprisingly) are becoming my new anchors in this foreign environment. i am enjoying 'the bastard of istanbul' by elif shafak, which i picked up as a happy coincidence at the second hand bookstore before flying. i had first come across the book early this year when i returned from my three month exile, and while it intrigued me, i ended up choosing a far more down to earth novel. seeing it at the bookstore now, before my new journey, i knew i had to take it with me! (an aside: i don't frequent the second hand bookstore much, but whenever i'm there, i'm always happy with my finds :)

i shall perhaps write a separate post on shafak's novel, but for now i just want to note that the characters and the history engage me, and not only fuel my desire to read more, but to write. this ties in to my increased journalling, as a way to not just record this crazy and momentous time, but also to make sense of things, to feel a semblance of control.

i want to write myself a cocoon, create a world where there are clear distinctions between grey, white and black, where princesses really are rescued by their princes, where the wave of a fairy godmother's wand is enough to ensure glamour and glitter and beauty, where happiness and affection remain unmarked by toil, heat and pressure. surely i can write my way to a new life, complete with the characters and attributes i desire?!

serenity

2010-10-11T13:38:00.004+08:00

now that is one emotion/attribute i sorely lack. and it shows. and it bothers me that everyone around me seems to possess so much of it. where can i queue up for some??

i read posts by moms of their infants, and living with a one and a half year old, i wonder how they get past the daily grind of not enough sleep, exhaustion and alone time to write at all, let alone write with such perspective:

"despite the struggles, and the challenges and the sleepless nights, they are only visitors in our home for a short while. It feels like forever but it will be gone in a flash. Its an important reminder and one I hope I remember for the rest of my life. Thank you Waleed for being my son"

or,

"taher and i talk a lot about our own perspectives when it comes to this relationship between us and Nooriya, and how much we have changed and accomplished over the past year. but really, it's Nooriya who we should applaud- her list of achievements in the last 12 months are endless."

these days i am like a fish out of water. apart from being emotionally adrift (without the usual anchors of friends, work etc), i'm faced with physical challenges as well. i've had a sore throat, blocked ears and nasty cough for days now, and no amount of meds seem to be doing any good. i thought i was prepared to be sick for the next six months, but just 10 days of this is wearing me out. my hair is falling out in clumps, my feet, hands and lips are peeling, while my face and nails are constantly plugged with dirt and grease.

i know (or i hope!) that these are all temporary irritants, but that does not make them any easier to live with. i want to vent and scream and stamp my feet. i want to take the next plane home. sigh. the fact that i am not doing any of these (except the venting, which is surely allowed?!), is my only claim to a path of serenity!

home

2010-09-25T08:49:00.004+08:00

this room that i am sitting in now, this bed, this desk, will never be mine in the same way again. i will not have my own room anymore. as i get ready to leave home, the thought uppermost in my mind is how long before some other city, some other apt, some other people become 'home'? as i leave the comfort of this home, i want to know that it will happen quickly and easily. experience says otherwise however..

pretty girl

2010-09-21T16:24:00.004+08:00

i loved my mitishitabi. i loved my clothes and my jewellery, and i loved the fact that getting dressed and putting on the make up was actually fun. i loved that everyone showed up, was happy for me, and told me i was a beautiful bride. (these are all quite uncommon experiences for me.)

it all went by so fast. i enjoyed every moment, but i wish it had lasted a little longer. i was sad to take off those pretty clothes and wash off the make up; it was such a wonderful experience, and i felt like i would never be that person, be that pretty again.

it was a wonderful start to being a bride, and i can only hope that the rest of the events go as well, inshallah! i'm not sure that dressing up in india will be that easy or argument free, but at least i will have this one day to look back upon in bliss :)

crazy planning

2010-09-16T09:55:00.005+08:00

i love these awesome horoscopes that crack me up:

"Spend the day making plans. Big plans, little plans. Plans for the near future, plans for the distant future, plans for tonight. Make plans to make plans if you want to. The plans you make now are bound to be successful, so why not make as many as possible? In the evening, stop making plans and start putting the plans you already made (especially the ones that involve dinner tonight) into action. Good plan!"

:)))

two weeks left

2010-09-15T00:34:00.004+08:00

the days continue to slip by.. i want to remember every moment, record it, keep it with me forever, but they just disappear like sand trickling through my fingers..

i had a wonderful farewell on sunday with close and not so close friends and colleagues alike. it was the perfect end (for want of a better word) to years of camaraderie; there was laughter (a lot of it, i hadn't laughed that much for quite a while, it was therapeutic), bonding, chilling out, feeling at home- with the people, and with myself. there was a moment when i looked around in both content and sadness, and wondered how long it would take me to build this again.. whatever the future holds, i am thankful to have had this present.

no longer working, i have spent the past two days running errands and doing wedding shopping. it is outrageous how even as i cross off items from my numerous lists, others spring up to take their place!! i feel like i'm on some crazy treadmill that keeps upping its pace the faster i move.

in a few days will be my mitishitabi, the first of several wedding events. i will officially be a bride! how surreal is that!!! i am a little sad that practically none of the people who know what this means to me, who have shared the journey that brought me here, will actually be present.. without them, it definitely feels slightly hollow..

episode from a long time ago

2010-09-06T14:08:00.002+08:00

while clearing out files from my computer, i came across this piece written in 2008. only two years ago, and yet it seems like forever. those events and memories have been deeply buried, and i'd like to keep them that way. i'm posting the piece up however, because i like the writing, and i know i will most likely never finish it.. (the idea was to write a short chapter on each 'episode'/suitor, with the ideal finale being on the guy i actually married. needless to say, it was far too painful to get through more than what i have below!)

Episodes

She looked at the list in bemusement. There were names, numbers and places. She was supposed to choose her husband like this? She closed her eyes, subconsciously hoping that when she reopened them, the paper would have gone, perhaps replaced by a marriage certificate. She just wanted the process to be over, to begin a new life without actually making any surreal or gut wrenching decisions.

**

As she sat on the sofa watching him walk along the hallway and into the lounge, she tried to swallow her disappointment. He was skinny and had terrible acne. But he might be really intelligent and funny, she told herself. His awkward communal greeting and fidgety seating did little to improve her impression. That she herself might not have made any better an entrance in such circumstances did not allow her cut him any slack; she expected potential suitors to possess far more self confidence and panache than that. If only she could just put an end to this right now.

After some more terribly awkward moments, the two of them were walking towards the park. They began a stilted conversation without looking at one another.

**

She was relieved to find a newspaper that she could bury herself in amidst numerous toys scattered around the hall. She read of the latest scandals surrounding the US presidential elections with equal measures of resignation and contempt. Comments made by World Bank officials regarding developing economies resulted in a smirk, while an eyebrow was raised at the announcement of the Booker prize being awarded to a novel on India’s sordid dark side. Within these pages was a world she was familiar with, a world that she was part of. If only she could stay here.

Y plopped down next to her. “So, how was it?” Had she really been expecting her wish to come true?

She lowered her newspaper shield reluctantly and squirmed a little on her seat. “Well, it was… okay, I guess.”

one month panic

2010-08-27T23:55:00.004+08:00

and the countdown stands at one month. thirty days. ye gods.

panic has been eating away at me for the past couple of days, and i have shed more tears into my pillow than i care to admit. sleep comes later and later these days. in fact, i should be fast asleep right now, but instead was reading through my journal. the last time i felt this way was when i graduated and left cairo. after tossing and turning and tearing, reading through journal entries from that time was quite soothing. then too, i was upset, had a hard time letting go, and it took me quite some time after being back home to move on and make a new life. i spent a lot of time mourning my lost identity, lost friends.

if i could do it then, i can do it now. this is the only mantra i have, and who knows how many times i will need to repeat it until i am okay. as long as i know i will be okay, that there is a light at the end, i can inch my way across..

hk tourists killed in philippines bus seige

2010-08-25T12:06:00.003+08:00

-disgruntled ex-police officer takes tour bus hostage and demands to be reinstated

-ten things the manila police got wrong according to a security analyst, including lack of training, equipment, no element of surprise and not taking the opportunity of disarming the gunman

-hk needs to remain calm and not take out its anger against filipino residents in the city

don't sweat the small stuff

2010-08-23T23:05:00.003+08:00

what better time to remember this useful adage than now, in the midst of wedding preps? because really, it's all small stuff. some time ago, i told H that in the worst scenario, i would see the wedding as an obstacle to get through before us being together (he wasn't overly impressed by this for some strange reason..)- perhaps i should print that out and stick it up somewhere for me to read daily! surely, in the grand scheme of things, the wedding will not matter so much. that being the case, the color of the invitations, the way gifts are wrapped, who is invited, will all also not matter...

i admit, i want a perfect wedding. whether such an event is possible, i don't know. i am quite sure however, that mine will not be that event. for if it were, i would be getting married where i want, i would be wearing clothes i had chosen, and only the people i wanted would be coming. none of these things are all that important though. what bothers me more, are the constant arguments and battle of wills over the smallest of decisions. it is simply not possible for everyone's opinion to be taken into account, and i wish everyone would just respect that. and i wish i was better at just doing my own thing regardless of other opinions.

i want to enjoy myself, from now until the wedding, during the wedding, afterwards. this seems like a momentous task from where i'm standing at the moment however. how nice if i could fast forward to mid november already!

ramadan routine

2010-08-21T23:04:00.004+08:00

after the first few days of ramadan, my body and mind quickly accustomed themselves to the new routine and i feel good, alhumdolillah. for the past few days i've even been gallivanting in the heat between namaz, trying to get things crossed from my numerous lists.

i enjoy the ramadan routine. there is something about the discipline and lack of choice (regarding food, entertainment, company) that is soothing, not to mention spiritually strengthening and refreshing. it makes me realize how much clutter there is in my life normally, how much unnecessary baggage is carried from one day to the next. ramadan is a welcome respite from it all. (if only i could continue like that after ramadan as well!)

my imminent departure makes this a more poignant ramadan as well, particularly with regard to 69. i find people there to be more friendly than usual -while nice, it's also a little disconcerting..

i cannot help but wonder how ramadan 2011 will play out- what will i be eating for sihori, where will i be sitting in markaz, who will my friends and neighbours be, and so many other things! fingers crossed that everything will be wonderful, inshallah :)

the company you keep

2010-08-15T23:08:00.005+08:00

"tell me who you're with, and i'll tell you who you are" -spanish proverb

i came across this proverb while reading an article on friendship, and i loved it! the company you keep truly does say a whole lot about you. since high school, i have been very lucky with my friends. i had a good group of friends throughout high school, an eclectic mix of close friends in cairo, and at work, i was blessed with colleagues who so easily became my friends and family.

when i think about these people, particularly those i call my friends today, i am proud to be associated with them, to be known as their friend, to be measured by them. they are bright, warm, open, funny and talented (among other things). i feel better when i am with them, when i speak to them. most importantly, they bring out the best in me, for which i am so very thankful.

you know who you are -i love you guys!

love colored specs

2010-08-09T23:20:00.006+08:00

Reprise
by Ogden Nash

Geniuses of countless nations
Have told their love for generations
Till all their memorable phrases
Are common as goldenrod or daisies.
Their girls have glimmered like the moon,
Or shimmered like a summer moon,
Stood like a lily, fled like a fawn,
Now the sunset, now the dawn,
Here the princess in the tower
There the sweet forbidden flower.
Darling, when I look at you
Every aged phrase is new,
And there are moments when it seems
I've married one of Shakespeare's dreams.

i love this poem! i came across it while surfing through wedding vows and poetry, which made it all the more poignant. there is so much stuff out there--sweet, cliched, funny, sentimental. since H, 'every aged phrase' truly is new and touching and true, and i feel like i've finally found my secret garden. (or shakespeare's dream!) alhumdolillah :)

ready for ramadan?

2010-08-09T11:57:00.006+08:00

Ramadan is upon us, and i have spent the weekend trying to ready myself, spiritually and physically. i am usually excited about ramadan, about the fasting, the extra namaz, the community spirit and interaction at markaz. the past couple of days however, i have been slightly tense, apprehensive about the rigors of a 14 hour fast in this heat, about being extra kind and patient while suffering from a lack of sleep, water and chocolate, about concentrating on the spiritual while daily wedding dramas unfold at home.. perhaps, it being my last ramadan in hk, in 69, has also been preying on me..

while revisiting last year's ramadan post, i was happy to reread the following from poetry chaikhana:

"It took me a while to understand that fasting, even a mild fast, is a confrontation with death. It is the willingness to temporarily abandon that constant hunt to satisfy every desire by attempting to slough off the fundamental hunger for food. How do you just have a desire and sit with it, without attempting to immediately satisfy it? That’s a pretty frightening question, when you really ask it."

indeed. i have been battling (in failure) erratic food cravings the last month, which have left me feeling unhealthy and out of sorts, as well as with little energy for my usual work outs.

"We use food to control emotions. We use food to shift mood and change awareness. Think of the way we grab a pint of ice cream from the freezer after a terrible breakup. Everything, even a salad, affects consciousness in some way. The resulting psychic shift after eating something can be relatively positive or relatively negative. It can help you to feel solid and grounded or expanded and open. It can tantalize the senses and flood us with feelings of satiation or leave us frustrated. None of this is necessarily bad, but we must understand how profoundly food affects awareness, and utilize food wisely… and sometimes not consume food at all.

"A fascinating thing happens when you fast as part of a spiritual practice: After you ease past the initial psychic tension and your body moves through any detox discomforts — the mind naturally settles and grows quiet."

perhaps my food battles have stemmed from the roller coaster ride my life has become right now. and perhaps, inshallah, with an empty stomach and settled mind, everything else will fall into place as well!

UNJUST, the documentary

2010-08-05T12:28:00.003+08:00

There was silence at the end of the documentary. Silence. Sometime later, Basil noted that it was like “a very long poem”. Indeed. It reminded me of the following verse by Walt Whitman:

Love the earth and sun and animals,
Despise riches, give alms to everyone that asks,
Stand up for the stupid and crazy,
Devote your income and labor to others…
And your very flesh shall be a great poem.

UNJUST was a beautiful production; from the stories, to the music, to the cinematography, to the heart behind it. This beauty does not take away the desolation, the crimes or the state indifference. Despite all this, it is beautiful. Perhaps this is due to the three women it documents, who remain strong and committed to their struggles against heavy odds. Perhaps it is due to the women involved in producing the documentary; first timers, but just as committed and compassionate. Perhaps it is due to the many people who walked together with the women in their struggle.

For me, the film mirrored a personal journey. It reminded me of all the people involved in these cases, all the discussions, meetings, protests we held, all the letters, petitions and reports we wrote, all the coffee we drank, prayers we shared. Through these cases I learnt of solidarity, witness intimidation, extrajudicial killings, disappearance, witness protection, court observation. Meeting these women taught me how energy and emotion can be channeled into a fight for justice, how despair and anger can be turned to determination and hope.

Like any story told after an event, the film captured so much more than I could see while walking that path. For that, I am ever thankful.

Moments I cannot forget:

Angkhana: “My husband fought for the rights of others. If his family cannot fight for him, I think that would be very sad.”

Padma: “I would ask my husband’s killers, why didn’t you kill us all?”

Thank you, Josefina.

my wish for you

2010-07-31T09:23:00.007+08:00

peace
serenity
eternal smiles

fresh grass under your feet
a gentle breeze in your hair
the scent of blossoms in your breath

clarity,
an abundance of truth and faith,
contentment

a better place,
in every way

**in memory of my nani, rt and mt

counting down

2010-07-29T09:55:00.003+08:00

in exactly two months (give or take a day), i will be boarding a plane which will take me far away from this life that i put so much effort into building, and that rewarded me with just as much. it will take me to a new place, a new life, which i hope will be even more rewarding inshallah, but until then, i simply want to soak up as much of hk, my friends, parents, brother as possible. i want to enjoy being me -i do not know what a married, living in india, with a whole bunch of new responsibilities md will be like.. i hope (among other things) she still listens to tracy chapman, watches house, shakes her head in disbelief at the melodrama of indian tv serials, and is happy to take long walks!

communication and the world of relationships

2010-07-28T23:17:00.004+08:00

i have spent quite some time in dissecting and critiquing other people's relationships and marriages. assuming that i was surrounded by far from ideal marriages, i was quite clear on what i wanted or didn't want from a relationship. or so i thought. now, i wonder whether i was not too hasty to judge, too arrogant in my all-seeing-but-nil-knowing wisdom. each relationship is different, and what works for me, may not work for you; how did i not understand this most basic and obvious truism before?

how did i not realize the world that encompasses a relationship, one that i am finding both alien and unexpected? most importantly, why are my communication skills so rusty? navigating this new world without this essential set of skills is fraught with danger. having to explain myself, my feelings, my rationale is so darn hard. i have these wonderful girlfriends whom i rarely have to explain anything to, who share my thoughts and complete my sentences, who understand me better than i understand myself. communicating with them has been so simple, so easy.

these skills are not just useful in relationships; i recall complaining about interns at work who didn't just get it, who couldn't quite grasp what i wanted. my solution? do it myself. that was far simpler than wasting time and effort on getting someone else to understand, and then actually do the necessary work. i was in awe of this one colleague who was a genius at getting the interns to understand what he wanted. the rest of us were not so lucky.

little did i know that feelings and chemistry may initiate a good relationship, but have little to do with making it work. for that matter, little did i realize that a good relationship requires work, on a daily basis! i feel like a kid who jumped happily into the inviting blue sea without realizing that she didn't in fact know how to swim.

swimming lessons, anyone?!

WISE

2010-07-26T11:25:00.003+08:00

wise is the 'women's international shared experience project', enabling women from asian countries to use video, internet and other forms of communication technology to empower themselves and advocate for their rights.

the project is taking off in pakistan right now, where a group of women are making their first film on domestic violence. their stories and enthusiasm are humbling and heartwarming!

back to the future

2010-07-22T11:31:00.006+08:00

i have never understood people's fascination with their childhood, and their wish to rewind life to that period. especially because these are all individuals in their late 20s or 30s! in general, i do not want to go backwards- i am excited about all the new milestones, experiences, people and places i have yet to encounter. i admit though, that i do infrequently think of being back at uni, in cairo -that was a wonderful time, that was when i became ME, when i finally grew into my own skin. but being a kid again? no, thank you.

i don't think i had a bad childhood, but i just don't see what was so great about it either. i recall the pressures of school (and madressah!), the limitations regarding clothes, food, places to go and even friends, and i shudder to think about returning there. how does that compare with the freedom of today, a job i love and am passionate about, meaningful relationships with friends and family, and so many other things?! perhaps i will feel differently 20 or 30 years later, but for now, i am happy in the present, and looking forward to the future.

it's interesting that most of these people mourning their lost childhood are all indians/bohras -does that make a difference? is there something special about the indian childhood that i'm unaware of? or are their lives today not fulfilling enough?

new words

2010-07-16T10:01:00.003+08:00

here's me doing my homework-

interesting: fascinating, intriguing, appealing, amusing, engaging

weird: unusual, bizarre, funky, deviant, peculiar, exceptional

funny: absurd, droll, entertaining, goofy, whimsical

scary: intimidating, formidable, alarming, spooky, unnerving

new word of the day: pulchritude, meaning great physical beauty

sweet

2010-07-16T09:50:00.005+08:00

having sent around a few pics of H's and myself, i received variations of the following comments:

"both of you cannot stop smiling!"
"u look so cute together!!!!!!!! AND SO HAPPY!!!!!!!"
"you look beautiful in these pictures, so glowing, and i have never seen you smile so wide!"

i feel blessed and loved! thank you everyone :)

lost and found

2010-07-14T11:46:00.006+08:00

i have wanted to write for the past couple of days, but there was nothing specific i wanted to say. or, more accurately, i wasn't sure what i wanted to say here, on this blog.. today, the need to write, to have words move from my head to my fingertips to the screen was overwhelming, and so i thought of using some creative writing prompts to channel my energy into words. many of the exercises i checked out were interesting, but two particularly grabbed me: writing about things i've lost and found, and randomly picking words from a dictionary and writing around them.

i have a dictionary on my desk at work, and another at home. i cannot remember the last time i opened either. there was a time when i was quite particular about increasing and refining my vocab, when i would meticulously check out every word i did not know, when i would 'learn' a new word every week. i miss that time. i seem to have lost that drive, that motivation to excel, to improve, to grow. my vocab is so stagnant now, so incestuous. i use the same words for both work and play. in fact, i use such few words that i have imbued them all with various levels of meanings (to H's consternation!). so, my homework will be to find replacements for funny, interesting, weird and scared! i will also attempt to open the dictionary at least once a week.

now for the creative writing dictionary exercise: forte, possession, wanton, bucket

she finally found the bucket. hands on her hips, she grinned happily at the shiny redness. her grin faded a little as she took in all the possessions packed into it. was that a sock there? blowing out a few breaths, she bent down and began emptying colored pebbles, a bottle of bubble liquid, two plastic spades, mouldy socks, some books that were falling apart. she no longer remembered whether these belonged to her or her brother. most likely to her brother; books and words were his forte. she found words too dense, complicated. she was happier with pictures, images. she loved to draw-people, plants, objects. once she was done with the bucket, she would go back to her latest sketch of her wanton cat.

**
that was fun! maybe i should do this weekly too.. :)

boredom

2010-06-30T10:23:00.003+08:00

i am bored. with all my friends out of town, i am at a loss for social and intellectual stimulation. there are no interesting movies to watch, shows to attend, even the blogs i read seem to be on leave!

i hope that next week, next month will be better, that i will be overloaded with stimulation, which may even translate into more blog posts, inshallah!

ghostwritten

2010-06-23T11:32:00.003+08:00

"Backpackers are strange. I have a lot in common with them. We live nowhere, and we are strangers everywhere. We drift, often on a whim, searching for something to search for. We are both parasites: I live in my hosts' minds, and sift through his or her memories to understand the world. Caspar's breed live in a host country that is never their own, and use its culture and landscape to learn, or stave off boredom."

"I know eleven languages, but there are some tunes that language cannot play... Sometimes language can't even read the music of meaning."

"On John's side of the bed was a John-shaped hollow. I rolled into it, the cosiest place on earth."

"Hives of life rumbled on the other sides of the floor, walls and ceiling. The tenement across the alley was so close that our window frames seemed to share the same glass."

i am always sad when i finish a book. more so, when it's one by david mitchell (or haruki murakami, whose influences can be found in mitchell's writing). ghostwritten was mitchell's first novel, and it was surprisingly difficult to get a hold of. when i saw it in the bookstore a while ago, i immediately picked it up!

like cloud atlas, ghostwritten consists of nine different stories. some of the chapters (themes and characters) were particularly enjoyable. i have to say that i was a little disappointed with the ending though, which leaves you somewhat hanging and with several questions unanswered. in that sense cloud atlas is much better thought out. regardless, i enjoyed the book, and mo muntervary, bat, zookeeper, noncorpa and the tea shack will stay with me awhile.

june 17, 2010

2010-06-23T11:26:00.004+08:00

so i can come back some time and laugh some more:

"Your energy is largely focused on--if not devoted to--the concept of love right now. Love really is all you need, especially when it arrives in such an amazing package. Someone has recently entered (or is just about to enter) your life, and you feel like they may actually be too good to be true. Stop pinching yourself and just open your eyes--this really is happening to you, and you don't want to miss it."

:)))

a few news stories

2010-06-07T12:33:00.005+08:00

Gaza flotilla activists were shot in head at close range
Exclusive: Nine Turkish men on board Mavi Marmara were shot a total of 30 times, autopsy results reveal

Israel and the aid convoy: How to make enemies
Israel's defiant reaction to the raid on the Gaza aid convoy is almost as appalling as the attack itself

Israel's vivid act of piracy may yet turn the tide of global opinion
Like the Exodus in 1947, the Gaza aid flotilla has now etched itself on the mind – whatever the eventual consequences

Stephen Fry crowns most beautiful tweet at Hay Festival

one of the tweeters compares tweets to his facebook updates, which i love! fb's status update is my favorite feature i think. using a limited number of characters to articulate your thoughts channels your mind in ways you may not otherwise explore. which is also why i am fond of haiku :)

the stuff of books

2010-06-01T14:19:00.003+08:00

a few days ago, in random conversation, h brought up the fact that i used to copy memorable phrases and quotes from books into my journal -this simple act, while holding considerable importance to me, is one known only by a handful of people. h is perhaps the only family member to know this about me. i was quite taken aback that not only did he know, but he remembered. it felt nice.. perhaps more so because i have this irrational fear these days that the ME i know, will be left behind here and slowly drift into nothingness.. (clarifications in a future post!)

h then remarked that with all the books i read, i must have a trove of fascinating quotes stored in my head. if only! my memory is particularly poor when it comes to remembering phrases, lyrics, quotes. quite sad really. i recall telling the smartest girl in school about how wonderful 'the soong dynasty' by sterling seagrave was. her response: 'do you remember everything in all the books you read? no? then what's the point of reading them?!' many years later, many plots and characters have been long forgotten. this bothers me, but not enough to stop me from reading.. i wish i had a photographic memory, but i will make do with what i have; i will enjoy the moments of reading, the pleasure of acquainting myself with new worlds and friends, for however brief a time they stay with me.

flying by

2010-05-24T22:19:00.006+08:00

it's the end of may already!! where is the time flying and why is it always in such a rush?? i want to walk slowly, to savor all the individual moments.. and yet i can barely recall where any given moment begins or ends.. instead of thoroughly being present in the moment, i am simply left with a memory..

memories are good, they are what will keep me going later on, they will remind me of a life well enjoyed, but right now, i want to enjoy my present. i have a list of things i want to do, places to see.. this list came into being much before my india trip, and i was never too bothered with working through it, as i thought i had all the time in the world, and also, because i was happy doing things not on the list, or simply adding to the list. i am still happy with that, but.. what am i really waiting for? is this denial?

if i don't really accept moving on, i most likely will not be able to thoroughly enjoy the present.. as in so many cases though, easier said than done!

[update: i wonder if it's something about the month of may that brings on such introspection; last year at this time i was also looking for a pause button..]

emigration

2010-05-21T10:18:00.002+08:00

related to exile and emigration, naomi lazard's 'Ordinance on Arrival' is awesome, and holds as true today, as it did in 1936 (which is pretty sad):

Welcome to you
who have managed to get here.
It's been a terrible trip;
you should be happy you have survived it.
Statistics prove that not many do.
You would like a bath, a hot meal,
a good night's sleep. Some of you
need medical attention.
None of this is available.
These things have always been
in short supply; now
they are impossible to obtain.

This is not
a temporary situation;
it is permanent.
Our condolences on your disappointment.
It is not our responsibility
everything you have heard about this place
is false. It is not our fault
you have been deceived,
ruined your health getting here.
For reasons beyond our control
there is no vehicle out.

language and exile

2010-05-21T09:56:00.005+08:00

i wanted to share more poetry from my anthologies! the following two poems are about language and exile.. as noted by denise levertov, 'Looking is a way of being.. And language.. a way of breathing'.

The Armenian language is the home of the Armenian
Moushegh Ishkhan

The Armenian language is the home
and haven where the wanderer can own
roof and wall and nourishment.
He can enter to find love and pride,
locking the hyena and the storm outside.
For centuries its architects have toiled
to give its ceilings height.
How many peasants working
day and night have kept
its cupboards full, lamps lit, ovens hot.
Always rejuvenated, always old, it lasts
century to century on the path
where every Armenian can find it when he's lost
in the wilderness of his future, or his past.

My faithful mother tongue
Czeslaw Milosz

Faithful mother tongue,
I have been serving you.
Every night, I used to set before you little bowls of colors
so you could have your birch, your cricket, your fmch
as preserved in my memory.

This lasted many years.
You were my native land; I lacked any other.
I believed that you would also be a messenger
between me and some good people
even if they were few, twenty, ten
or not born, as yet.

Now, I confess my doubt.
There are moments when it seems to me I have squandered my life.
For you are a tongue of the debased,
of the unreasonable, hating themselves
even more than they hate other nations,
a tongue of informers,
a tongue of the confused,
ill with their own innocence.

But without you, who am I?
Only a scholar in a distant country,
a success, without fears and humiliations.
Yes, who am I without you?
Just a philosopher, like everyone else.

I understand, this is meant as my education:
the glory of individuality is taken away,
Fortune spreads a red carpet
before the sinner in a morality play
while on the linen backdrop a magic lantern throws
images of human and divine torture.

Faithful mother tongue,
perhaps after all it's I who must try to save you.
So I will continue to set before you little bowls of colors
bright and pure if possible,
for what is needed in misfortune is a little order and beauty.

happy mother's day

2010-05-10T16:35:00.004+08:00

to all those moms out there, happy (belated) mother's day :) i am still bemused by the fact that so many of my friends are now mothers!! i hope you were all spoilt and surrounded by love.

for a pretty detailed history of the origins of mother's day, as well as the variations of the celebration in different countries, click here.

i liked the title and spirit of the article, 'Celebrate: Save a mother' and wanted to share:

"Happy Mother’s Day! And let me be clear: I’m in favor of flowers, lavish brunches, and every other token of gratitude for mothers and other goddesses.

And because so many people feel that way, some $14 billion will be spent in the United States for Mother’s Day this year...

To put that sum in context, it’s enough to pay for a primary school education for all 60 million girls around the world who aren’t attending school. That would pretty much end female illiteracy.

These numbers are fuzzy and uncertain, but it appears that there would be enough money left over for programs to reduce deaths in childbirth by about three-quarters, saving perhaps 260,000 women’s lives a year...

So let’s celebrate Mother’s Day with all the flowers and brunches we can muster: no reason to feel guilty about a dollop of hedonism to compensate for 365 days of maternal toil. But let’s also think about moving the apostrophe so that it becomes not just Mother’s Day, honoring a single mother, but Mothers’ Day — an occasion to try to help other mothers around the globe as well."