kindle love

i did not expect to love my kindle so much, but it is awesome. i guess i didn't expect to love it because i was thinking of it as a replacement of a physical book. in fact, i love it because it is a replacement of a physical library! those of you reading this space regularly will know that i spent a LOT of time in various libraries in hk, and that there are a dearth of libraries in bombay, causing me much grief.

my kindle allows me to store about 1000 books, to buy and download a book in a matter of minutes from the comfort of my sofa, and to take this veritable library of books with me everywhere! it is super light, with a very long lasting battery, doesn't heat up in my hands, and the e-ink technology makes reading easy on the eyes. it's great for storage purposes as well -my tiny apartment simply has no room for books, especially with the arrival of the twins.

i miss books. marking passages on the kindle is nowhere near as fun as marking them on an actual book. i miss flipping through pages, i miss the smell and feel of a book. but i no longer miss reading, which is more important :)

also, browsing for free/cheap books has led me down book avenues that i previously missed/avoided. and reading new stuff is always welcome: stieg larsson, rachel joyce, matthew quick, jojo meyes. 

a huge thank you to ksa for this wonderful gift :)
 

parenting sans filters

i loved this article by claire bidwell smith, discussing all the moments as a mom and wife that she did not photograph; the dark, ugly and fearful moments that just as much make up motherhood as the hugs, smiles and cookies do. thank you aisha for sharing the article, and for sharing your own parenting difficulties. it really helps me to know i am not alone, that all moms, all parents even, have fears, hang ups and bad days. 

there really are so many articles and blog posts out there that make it seem like all kids are sweet but mischievous smiling angels, with awesome, patient and fun loving parents who somehow manage to parent, work and do the housework, all on minimum sleep. forget articles, i even seem to hear about such kids and parents. in conversation, no one ever admits to how HARD it is. 

i am not at my best at 3am. i am not the best wife at 7pm when h gets home, after bathing the twins at the end of a long day, and when they start getting cranky before their bedtime. i am not the best editor/writer in between the twins’ diaper changes, meal and nap times. i am not the best anything right now. everything that i did so well pre-twins, needs to be rethought, and sometimes i am just not sure how much balancing and juggling i can do. i am not sure how much sleep deprivation i can handle. 

insecurities, anxiety and exhaustion just seem so much more manageable when they are shared. when i know i am not alone fumbling my way in the dark. when i am reassured that there is indeed a light at the end of the tunnel. i don’t want to be told what i am doing wrong, what someone else is doing right; i just want some empathy, some ‘yes, i am there too’, or ‘yes, been there, and i got through it. you will too.’

** 
i do find parenting slightly easier than it was even a month ago. back in india now, i have settled into a routine of sorts with the twins. they finally respond to me as well as they did to my mom as newborns. i am comfortable with making their meals, bathing them, playing with them. (having said this, of course the universe will now decide that i am in need of a steep roller coaster ride..). 

seriously though, i know that things will change soon. teething will bring its own concerns, and as they get older, i am not sure how jealousy and sharing will work out. 

again, it’s good to know i’m not alone. truly.

twins march

this month saw you both learn to turn on to your tummy, turn back, and in the past week, you both even sit independently, albeit for just a few minutes at a time! when m first learned to turn, he simultaneously learned to lift his tummy and butt up in the air constantly, as though that was the way to move around; it was hilarious! now that you can sit, you don’t like lying down much; you even want to be fed while sitting, which is quite a challenge for me! (yes, we need to invest in some chairs..) 

we returned to india this month, and the first few days were hard for you, but now you seem to have settled down. both of your babbling has increased, particularly m’s, whose volume and inflection are quite intense as well. i love watching the expressions on your face, as you see familiar toys and faces, when you are in wonderment at the birds flying outside, or the plants swaying to the wind, when you are concentrating on grasping your toy. 

in all the packing and unpacking that i have done lately, i have put away many of your outgrown clothes; cute outfits that no longer fit you. when you were born, oh-so-tiny, everything was too big for you. and now, suddenly you have grown so much, mashallah, that you are mistaken for older babies!

your interactions have increased as well. at times you are both so happy to see each other, which is a true joy to behold. you hold each other’s hands, pull one another’s hair, babble to each other. witnessing this is by far the best part of having twins :) i hope that your bond will only strengthen as you grow. 

you are now more aware of people, you don’t like it when one of you is being carried and the other isn’t. you don’t like it when you are left alone for long periods of time. 

you had your first outing to a park here, with another set of twins who are about two months older than you. more than the park, you liked interacting with the twins, which was fun to watch. i hope you have many genuine friends and close relationships with people who love you as time goes by. 

i generally am not a fan of cooking; peeling and chopping vegetables, cleaning meat, is so boring and tedious. pm and i used to say that why spend so much time making food, when it takes only 10 minutes to eat it up? and yet, i am happy to make your baby food. peeling your pumpkin and carrots does not bother me. i am excited to make food for you, to plan your meals, and even happier to watch you eat them and grow.