Out of sight

While discussing her teenage daughters, an old friend said this: 'I spent the first 10 years of their lives trying hard not to let them out of my sight. I spent the next 10 years trying to stay calm while they were out of my sight.'

I found this funny and poignant, seeing that I currently belong to the 'not let them out of my sight' category.

A few days later, a 22-year-old boy in my masjid died in a car accident. A group of friends were taking the car for a ride. A crazy ride, going at over twice the speed limit. While the rest of them had minor injuries, including the driver, this one boy died on the spot. I cannot begin to understand how his parents will rationalize and deal with this tragedy.

There was a lot of talk about safe driving and how those younger than 25 should not be allowed to drive. Speeding and reckless driving are a huge concern here, largely due to the lack of law enforcement.

To let your child out of your sight, is truly such a scary thing. It requires enormous faith. As the famous quote goes, being a parent 'is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body'. I have yet to let my boys sit in someone else's car without either me or H around. Of course, I know this will very soon have to change. As they get older, I will have to let them go. I will have to trust that they will make safe choices. I found myself wondering how I can ensure that they keep good company.

In the end however, life comes with no guarantees. I can only pray: Inshallah kheir!

self esteem

On the best of days, my self esteem is moderate. Which means that on bad days, it is loooooowwww. I am too old for this surely. I always thought that low self esteem was something I would get over by the time I was married. Huh. Marriage and moving countries took my self esteem to much lower levels than ever before. 

Two things happened in the past two months that really buoyed my self esteem, and I just want to write them down, so I can come back and remember on bad days. (Although, to be honest, simply recalling these events does not help when I am feeling like a complete loser.)

One: When the twins were being examined prior to taking their Juz Amma imtihaan, both examiners were impressed that they had learnt from me, at home. Their indirect praise was truly a balm, as mostly I feel I am a pretty inadequate mom.

Two: On the basis of meeting the twins for the first time, the new madressah moallim asked me if I could help him teach the younger kids. While this totally cracked me up (he would not have asked if he had seen them do their usual masti in the masjid), it also made me feel like I was doing something right. Alhumdolillah.

Today being a bad day, I asked one of the boys if he thought I was smart. Sigh. I want to be a happy, confident person so that I can be a happy, confident parent. Inshallah.

twins catch up

i am not sure when this happened exactly, but the twins are little people now, with distinct personalities. a few months ago, m told me he did not want to dress like a anymore. i was heartbroken. together with the emergence of distinct personalities comes severe sibling rivalry. one twin is clearly more dominating and assertive, which works in his favour. as a parent, i am left reeling, wondering how to protect and empower the more passive sibling. oh, the curve keeps getting steeper!

i am very thankful that i separated them in school this year; i can see so much improvement in a. according to m's teacher, his academic development is progressing in proportion to his mischief! 

they started madressah this year, and they seem to be enjoying it and doing well. when i went to pick them up on their first day, their teacher said their english was excellent; still not sure if that was a compliment or not! now of course they speak in ld there. they have many friends in the masjid now, which makes going there a little daunting for me! until last ramadan, people were still telling me how good and quiet the twins were at the masjid.. unfortunately, all good things come to an end. now, everyone is surprised at how much masti (mischief) they get up to, sigh. 

their hifz (memorizing the quran) progress is also outstanding, mashallah. 

overall, they are healthy, happy and energetic boys. i wish for quiet at times, and wonder at their selective hearing, but otherwise, alhumdolillah. my next target: making them eat on their own, inshallah!

the beginning of the end..

m’s best friend has been sabotaged.. in a bid to get him to stop sucking his thumb, H applied some anti-sucking lotion on it while he was asleep at night. m woke up a couple of times asking for water, and finally told me that there was a ‘smell’ somewhere.. this morning he had the most piteous look on his face, his mouth all down turned and quivering, unable to figure out what had suddenly happened to his thumb and why there was an awful taste in his mouth.

I had to physically stop myself from hugging him, wiping off the medicine and telling him everything was fine. Sigh. I may be a bigger wuss than him! What will I do later, when bad things out of my control upset him??!

#microblog mondays

 

happy me, happy kids

“kids who have happy parents are more likely to be happy. That's pretty awesome motivation to figure out how to be happier” 

I read this on a blog yesterday, and thought, Yes! It is definitely awesome motivation to figure out how to be happier. I remember being pregnant, and being constantly told, ‘be happy, think good thoughts, it will affect your child!' 

With every fibre of my being, I want my children to be happy, to see wonder everywhere, to create their own joy and let misfortune wash off their backs easily. I was an anxious and timid child, and I don’t want my kids to go down that path. 

This article in time magazine is super helpful, listing 10 steps on raising happy kids, with lots of additional links. It’s long, but worth a read. The list of 10 steps is repeated at the end in brief, in case you are as overwhelmed with info as I was! Moreover, the steps are likely to make both parents and children happier :P 

The things I will try: 
Teach (and practice) gratitude 
Praise effort rather than achievement 
Teach (and practice) optimism 
Active listening and labeling 
More play time 
More laughter 

this poster/infographic on the same topic is also cute and informative. 

difference

We don’t wear shoes in our house. And we live in a country where there are many many places that require you to remove your shoes outside, including doctor clinics, shops, temples, mosques, certain schools/extracurricular classes, and so forth. 

When the twins see pictures of people wearing shoes indoors in their story books, they immediately question this, ask me if this is a ‘bad boy’ because he is lying on his bed with his shoes on, or why the grandpa is wearing shoes while watching tv. 

And so begins the explaining of different cultures, different customs, of difference. 

I know there is a movement to have more diversity in books, for children to be able to relate to the characters that they read about. This is not a bad thing, but I do not recall ever having this issue myself.. I read a lot, and my childhood books were all roald dahl, judy blume, enid blyton. The lack of diversity never bothered me; I was always excited to read about these kids in a different world from my own. I wish the same for my own children. I want books to be their escape, their keys to new places and concepts and traditions (particularly since they are growing up in a place with little ‘difference’, unlike my childhood). 

In the end, the human experience is universal; it is just the environment that differs. 

tired

the twins are sick. m has been unwell for the past 10 days, and the dr has said he will most likely need antibiotics for another two weeks. a has now started coughing. with little sleep and super crankiness to deal with, i am down to nil reserves of patience and good humour. my back hurts from carting m around everywhere, my eyes are gritty and i feel as though i am walking around with a fish bowl on my head.

and yet, i still need to function like an adult, a mom, wife, daughter in law. the laundry still needs to be done, food still needs to be put on the table, work needs to be completed. sigh. i miss the days when staying up all night working on a paper was enough currency to get away with behaving like a zombie, or having the flu was reason to live in a room resembling a pig sty.

#microblog mondays

 

catch up

it has been several months since i last wrote here.. so many things have been going on, it has been difficult to process and sit and write. now that i can take a step back from everything, i wanted to just put down the big things..

i went to hk for two months, which was AWESOME. the twins loved it, loved playing in all the gorgeous parks, the pool, the clubhouse. they loved sitting in the metro and the buses, loved all the escalators, loved spending time with their grandparents and their cousins. i got to go in to work! to wake up, get dressed, and make my way to the office. to talk to colleagues, to simply be immersed in work without worrying about the garbage lady ringing the bell, or any other house-y distractions :P (getting dressed in nice outfits and carrying cute bags that didn't include kid paraphernalia was probably the highlight of going to work!)

a week after we returned, the twins started nursery, and they are slowly adjusting to their new school (nursery is also part of elementary school here). they still occasionally whine and say they don't want to go to school, they still ask about their 'old school' (playgroup) and their former teachers, but it is slowwwwly getting better, alhumdolillah!

it was also ramadan at the same time, which was a bit of a struggle at the beginning, but then the month went oh so smoothly. we went for namaz daily, the kids divided between us, and overall it worked out well. i really wanted to carry forward praying namaz on time even after ramadan, and alhumdolillah, so far i am doing well. it helps that i need to wake up early for the kids' school anyways :P H and i have both started sabak as well, which is something else i am very excited about -in the five years since i've been here, this is the first time we have had this opportunity :)

the twins seem to be in a new phase of constant crankiness and violence. every little thing sets them off in tears or hitting or throwing things, or throwing themselves on to the floor and screaming. sigh. i hope this phase gets over fast!!! i find my patience totally dwindling, and by the end of the day i just want to run away!! (or drop them off at their grandparents' place!)

not knowing what to read and single parenting

i finished reading david mitchell's the bone clocks last week, and for a few days after, i was adrift.. all i wanted was to continue the adventure of horology, with marinus, holly, mo and l. i could not figure out which book to read next; nothing appealed to me. that is the worst feeling ever, when i simply don't want to read anything on hand. it is like those days when nothing in the wardrobe appeals to you, but you have to get dressed and go to work regardless. and so you wear something, and the whole time you just feel bleah.

i am thankful that this does not happen all that frequently.. there are times when i don't know what to read, but that is not because none of the books are as good as what i just finished..

finally, i reread the e-sample of pomegranate soup by marsha mehran that i've had for ages, and slowly felt like it would be good for my soul, healing, and foody, and foreign! it was a good choice, although i am now craving middle eastern food!!

**
with H away, i am parenting the twins alone. i cannot imagine how single parents manage. apart from the hands on, physical aspects of it, there is also the mental load--how can you carry all the anxiety and stress alone? when i found myself exhausted after dropping the twins at playgroup on monday morning, i realized that even though i do the same routine everyday, taking care of the twins alone (my MIL is there, but that is not the same as having my partner parent around) from 7am-7pm, just knowing that H is a phone call away makes so much difference. sigh. another three days to go.. so far i have intermittent headaches, shoulder pain and poor appetite. huh.

parenting lows

i had all these happy, random thoughts/posts lined up for today, but with three sleepless nights, all i can do is yawn at the screen right now.

the twins being sick together just sucks. not only am i worn out taking care of them, but i inevitably get sick myself. and the lack of sleep is just getting harder and harder. suddenly, i cannot imagine how i used to wake up numerous times in the night to feed them/put them to sleep in their first year and a half. sigh.

people say that you learn patience as a parent. maybe, but i have also learnt rage. those who think of me as calm and unconfrontational would be surprised at how quickly the twins are able to rile me up. i am surprised myself at the anger i hold inside; at how many times i just want to throw objects across the room or shake the twins hard (no, i do not act on these thoughts).

i miss my mom. and the 8-10 hours of uninterrupted sleep i took for granted, in another lifetime.

people watching, schools and discipline

i took a train into town the other day, on my own. i was well prepared with my kindle and some polo mints for the journey, but in fact, i spent most of the time people watching. being on my own, without the twins, suddenly meant that i was free to participate in the larger world around me. when i go out with the twins, i have to say that i only notice other people if they have kids a similar age, or if they are interacting with the twins. most of my energy and attention is focused on the twins and other family members i am with.. everything else is superfluous. on my own in the train, i was fascinated by people's outfits, their choice of activity to pass the time, their accessories. there was an old lady sitting opposite me, wearing a sari, with her thinning hair left open (this is very unusual. not even middle aged women will leave their hair down here.. no idea why though..). she spent a considerable amount of time putting powder on her face and combing her hair, again, very unusual. the younger lady sitting next to her was busy texting on her phone, while i tried in vain to recollect who she so reminded me of. i noticed how muscular the women selling sundry items in the train were. i wondered why so many girls were wearing blue tops.. my hour long journey flew by! on the way back though, i happily immersed myself in my kindle.

**
schools are insanely expensive here.. who are the people that can afford to pay hundreds of thousands of rupees per year in tuition fees?? we need their jobs!! it has been a pain trying to select schools (the crazy competition and painful process means that it is easier and smarter to put your child in the nursery of the school you want them to attend. hence why i am looking at schools for my 16-month kids!!), but we have narrowed down a few.. sigh.. let's see how it goes.. we still have to find a decent playgroup that is not smaller than my bedroom, is affordable, AND is close to home.

**
a opened the dustbin, picked up an empty cheese wrapper and shook it on his head, ensuring some flakes of cheese covered his hair. m managed to peel an onion with his hands, and then proceeded to place bits of onion peel in his hair. where do they learn these things??

i need to figure out some discipline tricks and rules for the twins. 'no' at present seems to encourage them to increase the intensity of whatever they should not be doing. me shouting at them makes them laugh uncontrollably. removing them from the situation or removing the offending object is the only way to stop their behaviour, but this is not always possible or ideal.. most of the time i feel like i'm just shouting at the walls, and it is darn frustrating and depressing.

great expectations

(i found this in my september draft folder, and am posting it without any changes)

why do we have children? what is behind this need to procreate, to nurture children into adulthood?

i mentioned before that since having the twins, i appreciate my parents much more, on different levels. and yet, i know that i am not the perfect child. (ok, i have no idea what the perfect child would be, but you understand..) and neither are my siblings. i witnessed an interaction between my mom and one of my brothers this morning, and it left me feeling sad, empty. i wondered what my mom was thinking in that instance, whether she wondered why she had children, or what the point of it all was.. perhaps not -i care for the twins not because i expect something in return, but because i must. as this post says,

It wasn’t even about choice, or making a career out of being a homemaker, or any of those glamorous debates. It was simply about doing what she must. In sunlight, we wear sunglasses. At night, we turn on the lights. When it rains, we look about for an umbrella. Circumstances change and we adapt. There is nothing to sacrifice, nothing to choose, there’s no option but to do what we must...

We play our parts, our cards. When life deals us a home, we run it; when destiny decrees us a passion, we follow it. Sometimes, we have the luxury of making a choice but, mostly, our choices are already made for us. Our happiness lies in our acceptance of who we are; our freedom lies in going with the flow. 

as i bathe, dress, change and feed the twins, as i entertain them and comfort them and put them to sleep, while running low on sleep, energy, food and patience myself, i recall that my parents did the same with me. i am led to believe that this is the repayment for all parents -when their children become parents themselves. and yet, surely this cannot be enough. we must all have expectations of our children, of our flesh and blood, who we so lovingly and painstakingly nurture.. i grew up in a culture that was relatively liberal, open and individualistic, even while being tethered to religion and family. i now live in a culture not as open, and not at all individualitstic, but more focused on family, social responsibility..

while i love the hindi movie 'baghban' and am even sympathetic to the protagonists' plight, and agree with their denouncement of their children, i know that things are not so black and white, people are not so black and white. children are not all bad or all good.. there are so many gradations.. sometimes a really good person could be a lousy son..

why is it that we would judge a lousy parent more harshly than a lousy child?

life's learning curves

the twins are a year old. which means i am a year old mom.. that actually doesn't sound half bad. what i mean is, as a first year mom, i'm not doing too bad; in the same way that expectations of a first year undergrad are not all that high..

the thing is, and i've said this several times, expectations from mothers seem to equal that of saints. and i am no saint. not even close. most of the time i have no idea what i am doing. does it get easier? more importantly, does it get better in terms of knowing what to do? as i figure out how to deal with one thing, the twins move on to something else, so i am back at square one. i find this quite tiring.. i don't want to always feel like i am running on a treadmill that is way too fast for me..

i also wonder how other parents seem to know what to do.. i have had so many people tell me that i am not 'training' the twins rights, which will make my life easier apparently. but no one tells me HOW to go about this 'training'.. and how did they know about it in the first place? is there an instruction manual that i am not privy to? seriously, this whole parenting journey has just been me groping my way in the dark. in fact, the marriage journey is like that too.. forget statistics and physics, THIS is what they should be teaching in those extra classes that you are required to take at university. suddenly i feel that my learning curves are way too steep..

**
the twins tire me. some days, i am so glad that i can shut the bedroom door and escape into the online world with my laptop. if i wasn't working, wasn't using my brain to write and edit human rights material, i would go insane. work gives me space and time away from the twins.. it also allows me to read blogs, and just catch up on email.

of course, at other times i resent the time away from them, from their babbling and learning of new things, from their smiles and cuddles.

some days i don't have the energy to cook meals for them.. so i give them oatmeal and cerelac (instant baby cereal). there are even days when i don't bathe them. sometimes i am too tired to remove the phone/charger/some other unsafe object from their mouths for the 20th time. how bad a parent does this make me?

**
i have this insane fear regarding how i will raise the twins to be responsible, self sufficient and polite individuals. the fact that a continues to repeatedly wake up at night for milk, that neither of them will eat anything using their hands or hold their sippy cups makes me worry even more. i wonder what i am doing wrong..at present, me saying 'no' to them makes them laugh and want to do whatever mischief they are up to even more.

how much control do we truly have over our children's dispositions and character traits? i have seen awesome individuals who just lucked out with their kids' attitudes and tendencies.. were they just not as awesome parents? and if so, WHERE is the parenting manual??

i have had other people tell me that i shouldn't worry, all i have to do is make the twins feel loved and raise them to be good, kind people. um, again, i hate to sound repetitive (and whiny too methinks), but how?

**
parenting is hard. and i hear it gets harder when they start talking, having their own opinions, going to school. i don't deny the rewards and satisfaction, but this post is not about that.. i have read articles and posts that say yes, it is hard, but that simply means you are doing it right. really? because mostly i am not at all sure i am doing it right. i am usually too busy and involved to ponder it much, but there are moments when i am panic stricken, and wonder what on earth i am doing, how i could possibly think that i am qualified to take care of these tiny beings. there is no measurement, no markers, nothing to help me see how i'm doing or where to improve.. i want a syllabus, some practice tests, marking guidelines...

twins august: one year!

the twins are one. oh my! a year ago, they were still in my tummy. i went to the hospital, my heart in my mouth the entire time. unlike other countries and hospitals, H was not allowed into the labor room, so i was on my own. i will never forget the moment the doc held up a tiny, grey mass to show me.. and then another. 

when i look at their newborn pics, i can hardly believe how tiny they were, how much they’ve grown. not just in size, but also in personality! from two helpless babes, totally dependent on me, they are now little boys with loud babbles and big attitudes! they can suddenly open doors and drawers, they eat a wide variety of foods, know the difference between real and fake phones, climb on to the bed and sofa, and so much more. 

when did all this happen? suddenly, they learn something new everyday, and i can barely keep up. ‘the days are long, but the years are short’. oh, SO SO true. each day of this year has been long, and the nights even longer. and yet, without me noticing, somehow it has already been twelve months! 

with the twins, i have grown too. i have more patience than i thought possible. (it is still not enough, but that’s a different story.) my priorities have changed. i have started cooking! i appreciate my mom (and my dad) so much more. 

i am ecstatic that they are growing, it is so wonderful to watch them learn new things (yesterday a learnt to throw a ball. he now thinks every single object in his hand is to be thrown. repeatedly.), take more steps towards independent walking.. and yet, i cry when i see their newborn pics, when i have to fold away clothes too small for them, when they crawl away from me to examine some new wonder. this is how everyone’s parenting journey goes, i know, but it does not make it any easier, or make my anguish any less poignant.

happy birthday my beautiful boys. may you always be in wonderment at the world around you.

twins may

may was a long, difficult month. the beginning of this month saw both of you cranky, stubborn and ill, perhaps due to teething. your tears and tantrums are not as easily soothed or distracted now, and you are much more certain of who should be taking care of you when.

it was also a month of many firsts: first teeth, attending your first birthday party of twins, crawling (a crawls on his hands and knees like a pro, while m moves around on his tummy), and pulling yourself upright (it is quite uncomfortable when you decide to pull on my clothes for this purpose). the play gym you've had forever continues to fascinate you, and you now use that to stand as well, which is quite scary as it doesn't weigh as much as you! similarly, when you try to stand by grabbing on to the bed corners, i get visions of blood and bruises. pulling anything and everything in your reach, the two of you create chaos all the time. you have this new habit of throwing things, which i am not so enamored with.

your screaming has reduced, which is great, while your vocab now includes ‘te te te'.

we took a short road trip to nasik, which wasn't as bad as i feared (largely because you slept most of the way there!). you had your first proper view of yourselves in the huge mirrored walls there, which made you ecstatic. a had a long, enamoured conversation with his reflection, while m was happy to play ‘takkar’ with his reflection. that was one moment and one video i will never forget :)

i have started giving you cheese, graduates puffs, bits of bread, biscuits and sometimes you will eat rice if i feed you while we are sitting at the thaal. you've had egg yolk twice, once successfully and the other not. meal times are very stressful as you insist on sitting with us, and then proceed to try and grab everything. inevitably someone ends up refereeing you, and eating later. although you can drink water from your sippy cup (silicone spout) as well as a regular drinking glass, you are struggling with drinking milk from the new, advanced sippy cup. sigh.

we took you to a park and you had your first swing ride. a was happy while m was not. i wonder how many more things will differ between you both, and how many will be the same. i can see your temperaments and personalities emerging now, which is fascinating. it also makes me constantly wonder how lasting it is, how much you will change to become the persons you are meant to be. you now understand certain words, actions, pictures. you love your musical toys, and you also (sadly) enjoy listening to terrible bollywood music, sigh.

your expressions, your smiles and laughter, your babbling conversations, continue to have me enthralled. you leave me and your abu little quality time together, but the moments when we sit and play with you and crack up at your antics, are awesome.

parenting sans filters

i loved this article by claire bidwell smith, discussing all the moments as a mom and wife that she did not photograph; the dark, ugly and fearful moments that just as much make up motherhood as the hugs, smiles and cookies do. thank you aisha for sharing the article, and for sharing your own parenting difficulties. it really helps me to know i am not alone, that all moms, all parents even, have fears, hang ups and bad days. 

there really are so many articles and blog posts out there that make it seem like all kids are sweet but mischievous smiling angels, with awesome, patient and fun loving parents who somehow manage to parent, work and do the housework, all on minimum sleep. forget articles, i even seem to hear about such kids and parents. in conversation, no one ever admits to how HARD it is. 

i am not at my best at 3am. i am not the best wife at 7pm when h gets home, after bathing the twins at the end of a long day, and when they start getting cranky before their bedtime. i am not the best editor/writer in between the twins’ diaper changes, meal and nap times. i am not the best anything right now. everything that i did so well pre-twins, needs to be rethought, and sometimes i am just not sure how much balancing and juggling i can do. i am not sure how much sleep deprivation i can handle. 

insecurities, anxiety and exhaustion just seem so much more manageable when they are shared. when i know i am not alone fumbling my way in the dark. when i am reassured that there is indeed a light at the end of the tunnel. i don’t want to be told what i am doing wrong, what someone else is doing right; i just want some empathy, some ‘yes, i am there too’, or ‘yes, been there, and i got through it. you will too.’

** 
i do find parenting slightly easier than it was even a month ago. back in india now, i have settled into a routine of sorts with the twins. they finally respond to me as well as they did to my mom as newborns. i am comfortable with making their meals, bathing them, playing with them. (having said this, of course the universe will now decide that i am in need of a steep roller coaster ride..). 

seriously though, i know that things will change soon. teething will bring its own concerns, and as they get older, i am not sure how jealousy and sharing will work out. 

again, it’s good to know i’m not alone. truly.

friend, where art thou?

i want friends. i crave friendships, people to chat with, commiserate with, laugh at life’s inanities with, and smile with at its blessings. none of the awesome friends that i have live in the same country as me, forget the same city. in this city that i am trying to make my home, where my twins will grow, i really need friends. i need them for myself, and i need them for my boys. in the two years i have lived here, i am sad to admit i have not made a single friend. for some time i pretended it didn’t matter, and internet made my connections with my far away friends so easy that i thought it would be enough. as my internal world shrinks however, my need for friends right here grows. it is a desperation that i must satisfy. blogging about this is not just cathartic; part of me believes that if i finally own up to how badly i want a few friends, if i am willing to share this desperation here, surely the universe will contrive to send me a few like minded individuals? ask, and you shall recieve??

i am asking. i am not greedy. just two friends. please. the loneliness (of being in a strange land without friends and family, of being a new mom) is eating up at me. 

on a separate (but related) note, is there anything more lonely than being a mom?

time

i recently took a photo with my parents. it is a close up of our three faces, and upon seeing it, i immediately wanted to know which of my parents i looked like; did i look like a combination of the two? was i, physically and emotionally, a balance between their two separate identities? as i look at my twins, i wonder the same: are they combined versions of the best of H and i? (ok, they may have inherited some of our not so great traits too, but aside from that..) i see their small chubby faces, their toothless grins, and i wonder which one of us they will resemble more, which of our quirks will be mirrored in who.

 

**
i see the emergence of tiny fine hairs on the twins' faces and bodies, and i am sad that soon they will no longer be my babies.

yesterday, an elderly aunty (in her 60s or even older) said to me, ‘may your boys grow up healthy, and may they always live near you’. it sounded a little strange to my ears, but later, as i thought about it, it brought to mind aisha’s post of living in a neighborhood of retirees, all with children who’d grown up and away.. while i don’t hold any traditional notions of having my grown up sons live with me, right now i cannot imagine that they could ever be away from me.. simcha fisher said it oh so well, that in becoming a mother, “you’re turning into a new woman, a woman who is never allowed to be alone. For what?  Only so that you can become strong enough to be a woman who will be left."