twins' first school picnic and my ferrero rocher shake

the twins went on their first school picnic/outing yesterday, and they had a ball, alhumdolillah. they were excited and looking forward to it for days, and they were up instantly yesterday morning, all ready to go (if only they would wake up like that everyday). it was their first time to be out without us for most of the day, but i am sure they hardly noticed. m said he had a great 'adventure' :) may they continue to find adventure in all of life's moments. 

a left his water bottle somewhere, and he came and told me that 'please pray i get it back'. i love the fact that he thought of prayer. i encourage them to give thanks for their day before they sleep.. i will try tweaking this now by getting them to find one specific thing they are thankful for each night..

**
their day-long outing meant that i was able to have a leisurely and scrumptious lunch (the highlight being a super rich ferrero rocher shake- i am still drooling!) with two lovely friends; alhumdolillah! it was a lovely time, and will most likely be my highlight of the month :)

the importance of girlfriends

i have read several blog posts and essays about the importance of girlfriends in a woman's life, but this one made me cry. probably because of the story of emily and her husband joe. and the line, 'how many women had friends who could write their husband's obituary?'

the article also noted that 'having great friends is largely a matter of being a great friend'. true. i am failing there methinks. i used to be a good friend. but now, my friends are too far away for me to do anything for them. and i am too tired and bogged down in my small little world. (which leads me to wonder upon the reason i have not been able to make a lot of new friends here..)

sigh. i have awesome friends around the world though, for which i am very very thankful. that they are not right here, totally sucks. but i am still glad they are there. that at one point in time, we were together.

#microblog mondays

hugs

i miss hugs. adult, girly, i-know-where-you-are-coming-from hugs. toddler hugs and kisses are awesome, and definitely lessen all heart sores, but today when a friend sent me this adorable image, i felt the pang of missing girlfriends. all those friends i left behind, all those friends who have moved away.. all those hugs that i can no longer reach for.

technology is awesome. but at times, i want a real hug.

#microblog mondays

friendships based on kids

a very long time ago a high school friend voiced her mom’s opinion that it was harder to make friends as you got older, and having kids was thus one way of making friends. what a surreal thought, my teenage self scoffed, sure that i would never be put in such a position. sigh. little did i know how true these words were, and how they would shine my later life path. since moving to india, friends have been pretty non-existent. without work or any other social ‘in’, i found it largely impossible to make friends. having kids to ease the loneliness was something i admit i thought of more than once. 

and now that i have the twins, i am suddenly part of an ‘in’. the entire past ramadan, i sat with other moms and kids in the masjid, and made more acquaintances and was included in more conversations than in my entire two-year-no-kids community life. i now have friends who i chat with regularly, even though scheduling playdates or adult dates is still a little difficult.. i have all the moms at the twins’ playgroup for random conversations and commiserations. in fact, now that the twins go to playgroup, i get out of the house everyday, i go shopping, i run errands, as opposed to just vegging at home. 

it’s like the twins gave me a whole new life. my new friendships are different from my old ones, my new ‘out and about’ routine is different to when i was working and single, but hey, i am so thankful to just feel alive, connected and useful again!! and i look forward to the blossoming of these new friendships, different and all :)

friend, where art thou?

i want friends. i crave friendships, people to chat with, commiserate with, laugh at life’s inanities with, and smile with at its blessings. none of the awesome friends that i have live in the same country as me, forget the same city. in this city that i am trying to make my home, where my twins will grow, i really need friends. i need them for myself, and i need them for my boys. in the two years i have lived here, i am sad to admit i have not made a single friend. for some time i pretended it didn’t matter, and internet made my connections with my far away friends so easy that i thought it would be enough. as my internal world shrinks however, my need for friends right here grows. it is a desperation that i must satisfy. blogging about this is not just cathartic; part of me believes that if i finally own up to how badly i want a few friends, if i am willing to share this desperation here, surely the universe will contrive to send me a few like minded individuals? ask, and you shall recieve??

i am asking. i am not greedy. just two friends. please. the loneliness (of being in a strange land without friends and family, of being a new mom) is eating up at me. 

on a separate (but related) note, is there anything more lonely than being a mom?

happy 2012

i had a great end to 2011 (thank you, H), a week of friends and family chilling time, and am now looking forward to 2012 -may it be the best year yet for everyone!

i am not a new year resolutions kind of person, but i like the idea of making ‘happy’ resolutions -doing things that make you happy, resolutions that actually excite you, rather than those that you ‘should’ be doing (and actually dread!). creating a list of things that would make me happy? oh wow :)

**
while catching up with an old friend, a college roommate, i found myself pensively reflecting on how it is that much harder to make such close friends now; friends who’ve known me for the past 10 years, friends i’ve lived with, travelled with, cried, laughed, celebrated with. friends who have watched me grow, watched me make my way from x to y and beyond.

when this pensiveness was over, it suddenly struck me that i had the exact same thoughts when i arrived in cairo, at uni, missing my school friends of seven years!! now though, it is my uni friendships that are closer and stronger..

so, perhaps there is still hope! or perhaps some of those old friends may move to bombay.. :P i’ve been lucky, in my one year here, i’ve had several friends and family members visit.. may there be many more such visits in 2012, inshallah!

connections

i’m currently reading i speak for myself: american women on being muslim. while enjoying the essays (which i’ll blog about later), i’m enjoying discussing my thoughts on them with a good friend via email even more. her last email made me grin and grin and grin (yes, i’m still grinning!). it is so wonderful to share something with someone, especially something close to your heart, something that interests you, that you are vested in. and to have feedback regarding that, to know that someone else is listening to you, is sharing your perspective, to connect with someone regarding that.. well, it just made me feel like this is why we are friends, why the world was so aligned..

and it brought to mind some awesome words by mel:

At the same time, it is our relationships that make the difference in this world, that heat this cold world. We notice those moments that people leave their bubble to enter our own because those moments are what makes the difference between people feeling supported and people feeling alone.

Humans are not meant to be alone.

Think about the emails you’ve saved because someone said something that meant the world for you to hear. Or the times when we’ve gushed about how someone took the time to converse with us or read our blog. We have such gratitude for human interactions — even the small ones.

read her entire post, it’s SO worth it.

**
i would love to join a book club. to read together, to discuss. hmm, how do i go about that..

friendship, part II

in the earlier post on friendship i said i had nothing to add -well, there is one thing i would like to add. that i am particularly grateful for having found friends to ease my journey at various times. these friends came into my life and fulfilled particular roles, helped me in particular ways, at particular times. then it just seemed oh-so-natural, but upon reflection i can see that they were like my guardian angels, guiding me, supporting me through certain paths. many of these friends i am either no longer in touch with, or not as close to as i once was. and yet, i always think of them with great fondness, for being with me through my tough times. there was my gcse physics partner, my a/s level english language pal, my bus buddy, my faith-spiritual guide in college, my polsci mentor, my dorm neighbor who was also getting over an intense crush, and so many others.

these awesome people befriended me, helped me through various roadblocks or just walked with me on an otherwise lonely road. our shared journeys resulted in intense connections. they also made me a firm believer in the ecstasy and comfort of true friendship, as well as its divinity -these people did not just happen across my life, but were surely placed there for a reason. (of course, i believe that all my friends are in my life for a reason, it's just that that reason is more visible with some than with others.)

for them, these lines have even greater meaning:
"no matter what person I become, there will always be in me the girl you knew, and no matter who I become, I would never have been that without knowing you"

ksa diary

as i mentioned previously, one of my best friends came to visit me last week from south korea. it was a wonderful eight days, filled with much chatting, laughter and exploration. of the three, i couldn't say which was more fun, or which took up more time. in reality, the three melded together so that we were just being us, together, whether thoroughly enjoying coffee, artwork, street food or silence!

everyday, for me, was happy and adventurous -i had a girlfriend to talk to again, a fellow coffee- harry potter-peanut butter-english cinema and theatre-chinese food-human rights aficionado to share interests and activities with, an ex-colleague to wax sentimental upon ahrc with and a foreigner to be 'foreign' with!!

the week spent with her was more social and busy than my past several months perhaps:
monday- mall, beach
tuesday- haji ali (tomb), chinese lunch, coffee, shopping, xmen
wednesday- art gallery, coffee (together with another friend from hk), heritage street
thursday-lunch, beach, dinner
friday-theatre
saturday-lonavla, lavasa
sunday-harry potter, thai dinner
monday-shopping, coffee

amidst all this was of course going through lots of photos, reading, chatting and napping. oh, and getting wet in the rain too! ksa also spent considerable time trying to understand hindi tv dramas and music videos!

her visit left me rejuvenated, and with a renewed sense of wonder and possibility at living in this new city and making it my home. thank you ksa, and please come again soon!

friendship

"She said no matter what person I become, there will always be in me the girl you knew, and no matter who I become, I would never have been that without knowing you."

"Dating is about figuring out what you want. Friendships — those are about figuring out who you are. What matters to you. How you see the world. And one day, hopefully if our female friendships have prepared us enough, we can take what we learn from them and make that man or woman we commit our lives to our best friend."

this is from an awesome post on friendship, female friendship in particular. it says everything that i would want to say, so i really have nothing to add here (except for my favorite spanish proverb: 'tell me who you're with, and i'll tell you who you are'!) i could write about my friends, but i won't.. at this moment, i do not feel the need to share those precious, private, wonderful moments. perhaps at some other time; for now, i am happy to relive them in my head, to know that they exist(ed).

one of my best friends, ksa, was just here visiting me. just by being her, by being here, she reminded me of everything that i wanted in life, of everything i held important, of everything i aspired to. it was not so much that i had forgotten, but that it had been buried beneath too much baggage.

i have been blessed with some truly amazing friends, alhumdolillah!

like a brother?

this post on guy friends being like brothers, and the comments it generated, made me reflect on my own relationship with my brother-cum-best friend, as well as other guy friends. having grown up with two biological brothers, i never felt the need for any additional male siblings. on the other hand, i was very much lacking in male friends. i never seemed able to become 'buddies' with guys -there was always awkward chemistry/tension involved. (or they were just too 'weird'.)

according to one of the comments to the above mentioned post,

Friendship with a girl (however platonic it may be), is perceived to come about because the girl finds you fun to hang out with, smart, and a cool company in general.. The moment 'brother' comes into picture, it seems to throw all those flattering adjectives out of the window.. no idea why it happens though.. Also, 'brother' forcefully closes the door to a lot of talk-worthy topics and that occasional harmless, playful flirting between friends of opposite sex, which I think is healthy for a normal male-female friendship..

the indian context also has the 'rakhi brother', which apparently is commonly used to keep unwelcome advances at a distance...

i agree with the above comment, and i think this has a lot to do with the way brother-sister relationships are viewed (particularly in india perhaps). i grew up seeing my younger brother more as a playmate than a sibling. close enough in age, we did many things together, shared many interests and a sense of humour. this continued until today. many a time, my girl friends would remark on the fact that we could finish each other's sentences or that he was privy to my crushes. he was my best friend, who also happened to be my brother--seemed totally normal to both of us! my relationship with my older brother is far more conventional, due to various factors i guess, age difference perhaps being the biggest.

the point i want to make i guess, is that it really depends on the kind of relationship one has--while there is no playful flirting going on between me and my younger brother, he is much more my best friend than simply my brother. the few good guy friends i do have now however--again without any possibility of romance/sex on the table--are also not in the 'brother' category though..

friendship and gratitude

When I am insecure or self-critical, my friends are both mirrors and crystal balls. They reflect all the good things about me I cannot see, and they assure me that my future is as bright as I want it to be. (192)

I don’t think this means that your friends verbally reassure you. At least, that’s not what I take it to mean. It’s more like… Your friends say (figuratively) a lot about you. They show what kind of person you are, and what kind of person you want to be. That’s why it’s important to seek out people who challenge and motivate you. Who are doing things you respect, who have qualities you admire. [yes! exactly!]

For the record, my friends constantly amaze me.

Success surely means surrounding myself with loving people who bring me joy. (194)

i read the above here this morning, and it reminded me of the proverb, "tell me who you're with, and i'll tell you who you are". as i wrote in an earlier post, i am so lucky to have made some amazing friends, each of whom inspires me in different ways, each of whom has different qualities for me to admire and attempt to emulate. and most importantly, they inspire me to be the best i can be. i actually LIKE myself when i'm with them.

their absence on this new journey of mine has left me adrift and lost. and then, this afternoon, one of these wonderful friends sends me the following:

..along with your gratitude list, make an i'm great too list, where you pen down all the wonderful things about you. start with i'm so modest i don't see how great i am.

i can help you with that list - i can tell you what a loyal friend you are, or that you have wonderful eyes, or that you are witty and make me laugh. i can tell you stuff and much more, but it's not important that i believe. it's important that it comes from you, that you see your own value. and that you know that even though you have your flaws, that you have some wonderful qualities - not in comparison to anyone, but just good things that you have. i'm sure you can come up with five everyday. you can find a format that works best for you.. i suggest the 'today i feel + i'm great word'.

for example, here is mine right now. today i feel wise - i can dispense great advise to my friend.. just let it be at that moment where you are nice to yourself, and stay there. you don't need the negativity. slowly you'll fend it off. and slowly you'll emerge, not dust-free or coal-free, but a diamond nonetheless.

h is lucky to have found you. i am lucky to have found you. i hope you find yourself too, you're luckily the closest to you.

THIS is what friends are for. they hear the song in your heart and sing it to you when your memory fails!

today i feel blessed and lucky and loved. thank you ck, and all my wonderful friends :)

the company you keep

"tell me who you're with, and i'll tell you who you are" -spanish proverb

i came across this proverb while reading an article on friendship, and i loved it! the company you keep truly does say a whole lot about you. since high school, i have been very lucky with my friends. i had a good group of friends throughout high school, an eclectic mix of close friends in cairo, and at work, i was blessed with colleagues who so easily became my friends and family.

when i think about these people, particularly those i call my friends today, i am proud to be associated with them, to be known as their friend, to be measured by them. they are bright, warm, open, funny and talented (among other things). i feel better when i am with them, when i speak to them. most importantly, they bring out the best in me, for which i am so very thankful.

you know who you are -i love you guys!

superficial interaction

i've been happily cruising along on facebook for sometime now, when it was brought home to me that the interactions there, however well intentioned, are really quite superficial. i was initially very excited by fb, because i found so many of my university friends there, most of whom i'd lost touch with through email. yes, it was--is--wonderful to see their virtual footsteps, see pictures of them and their new families, read their status updates. the problem arises i guess, when you expect all this to mean something, to fill the void left by the absence of these people. in fact, it just makes the void that much more noticeable. i find it so frustrating that all my friends are scattered around the world, that it is so hard for me to make new friends here, that these new friendships never seem to match the quality of those in the past.

and yet, were those friendships really that great, or do they just seem so now?

happy day

there was this one awesome day last week, when everything went well, ilhumdolillah! it started out with a short but animated chat with z, whom i hadn't chatted with in forever. the rest of the day flew by in useful discussions and brainstorming sessions for ongoing/future projects on torture, corruption and other fascinating stuff. even lunch that day was particularly enjoyable -homemade chow mien! to end the day, i went to a mitishitabi (girls' party), where both the food and conversation were fun.

so, recap: intellectual stimulation, hanging out (both virtual and physical) with friends and good food made a wonderful day!

i would wish that all my days were that great, but that would be asking for the impossible. there are usually moments of happiness in each day, but to have an entire day of happiness was bliss :)

the end of an era

when i came in to the office this morning, ksa's desktop was unnaturally tidy. the surrounding area was clutter-free. i thought i was prepared for this, but seeing the shiny surface of her desk (as opposed to piles of paper) was still a shock.

five years; i have spent more time with her than with my uni friends. we started at ahrc at around the same time. together, we learnt of torture, and forced disappearances and violence against women and caste discrimination and rule of law. we attended protests, wrote urgent appeals and talked to victims. we shared a room (two actually), argued, coaxed and laughed. we were in grad school together, complaining about our respective classes and sharing reading material. we grew together, albeit differently. i think of how we began, and i am so proud to see her now; a strong, articulate and dedicated human rights defender. it has been a long, eventful and fruitful journey. soon, she will begin a new journey, this time on her own.

i am envious. i want a new journey too. partly because after five years at one workplace, i am ready for a change. and partly because nearly everyone i started working with has left. first ap, then sl, then ps, then nc, and now ksa. these were the people i looked to, for inspiration, for courage, for knowledge. and for friendship. we grew together with the organization. the office moved from a tiny, box-filled space where we shared desks to occupying two floors with its own conference room. in turn, individual coordinators became more experienced and confident, resulting in the expansion of country and thematic programmes. the lines representing ahrc, work and life were always overlapping. so much of who i am and what i do has been shaped by these people doing what they do. without them, i feel adrift.

there is room for so much more growth here, i know. i feel a little tired though. but that is for another post perhaps..

memories

last weekend i hung out with two friends; the three of us hadn't spent such quality time together in a LONG while. we laughed, argued and shared. it was like lip balm for the soul. not surprisingly, towards the end, we began a short walk down memory lane. some of the moments and individuals that flashed up had been pretty deeply buried, and my excitement at 'seeing' them was akin to being back in that time.

many of the memories are of places and individuals no longer part of my life, which is perhaps why i do not think of them much when i'm on my own (it would be too depressing). on that day though, it was not at all depressing. it felt good just to remember: the events and how they made me feel, as well as to acknowledge the pleasure (and thankfulness) of having those memories, of having had those moments. it was one of those rare occasions when it didn't matter that friends were no longer around, that places had changed, that people had moved on; when it was enough just to have been.

rereading this post will be my solace on all those days when it is not enough!

let's NOT be friends

friendship can be complicated. when you add time and distance to it, it becomes more so.

i am tired of being taken for granted. i am tired of friends not being there when i reach out. i am tired of pretending it is okay; of telling myself that their ideas of friendship are different, but they still care. i want tangible expression of this caring. i want it NOW, not at some distant point in time.

then there are those who i let go of a long time ago. and yet, their continued presence in my life makes it hard to truly let go. the history between us is always there, sneaking its way into random comments, bringing back forgotten memories.

i have no solution to this angst. to be friends, or not to be? both options are fraught with their own complications. i have chosen both at different times, and neither have been satisfying.

anyhow, i feel calmer now, after transferring some of my angst into words and writing them down. (is it a blessing or misfortune that those i am speaking of will most likely never read these words?)

for chitra

when you first came back from illinois, you gave me a book. the inscription said, 'because it was yours from the moment i saw it'. i now return some of that sentiment:

i hope you never lose your sense of wonder
you get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
may you never take one single breath for granted
god forbid love ever leave you empty handed
i hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
whenever one door closes i hope one more opens
promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
i hope you dance .. i hope you dance
i hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
never settle for the path of least resistance
living' might mean takin' chances but they're worth takin'
lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth makin'
don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter
when you come close to sellin' out reconsider
give the heavens above more than just a passing glance
and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
i hope you dance .. i hope you dance
time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along
tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder
where those years have gone
i hope you dance .. i hope you dance