the days continue to slip by.. i want to remember every moment, record it, keep it with me forever, but they just disappear like sand trickling through my fingers..
i had a wonderful farewell on sunday with close and not so close friends and colleagues alike. it was the perfect end (for want of a better word) to years of camaraderie; there was laughter (a lot of it, i hadn't laughed that much for quite a while, it was therapeutic), bonding, chilling out, feeling at home- with the people, and with myself. there was a moment when i looked around in both content and sadness, and wondered how long it would take me to build this again.. whatever the future holds, i am thankful to have had this present.
no longer working, i have spent the past two days running errands and doing wedding shopping. it is outrageous how even as i cross off items from my numerous lists, others spring up to take their place!! i feel like i'm on some crazy treadmill that keeps upping its pace the faster i move.
in a few days will be my mitishitabi, the first of several wedding events. i will officially be a bride! how surreal is that!!! i am a little sad that practically none of the people who know what this means to me, who have shared the journey that brought me here, will actually be present.. without them, it definitely feels slightly hollow..
15 September 2010
06 September 2010
episode from a long time ago
while clearing out files from my computer, i came across this piece written in 2008. only two years ago, and yet it seems like forever. those events and memories have been deeply buried, and i'd like to keep them that way. i'm posting the piece up however, because i like the writing, and i know i will most likely never finish it.. (the idea was to write a short chapter on each 'episode'/suitor, with the ideal finale being on the guy i actually married. needless to say, it was far too painful to get through more than what i have below!)
Episodes
She looked at the list in bemusement. There were names, numbers and places. She was supposed to choose her husband like this? She closed her eyes, subconsciously hoping that when she reopened them, the paper would have gone, perhaps replaced by a marriage certificate. She just wanted the process to be over, to begin a new life without actually making any surreal or gut wrenching decisions.
**
As she sat on the sofa watching him walk along the hallway and into the lounge, she tried to swallow her disappointment. He was skinny and had terrible acne. But he might be really intelligent and funny, she told herself. His awkward communal greeting and fidgety seating did little to improve her impression. That she herself might not have made any better an entrance in such circumstances did not allow her cut him any slack; she expected potential suitors to possess far more self confidence and panache than that. If only she could just put an end to this right now.
After some more terribly awkward moments, the two of them were walking towards the park. They began a stilted conversation without looking at one another.
**
She was relieved to find a newspaper that she could bury herself in amidst numerous toys scattered around the hall. She read of the latest scandals surrounding the US presidential elections with equal measures of resignation and contempt. Comments made by World Bank officials regarding developing economies resulted in a smirk, while an eyebrow was raised at the announcement of the Booker prize being awarded to a novel on India’s sordid dark side. Within these pages was a world she was familiar with, a world that she was part of. If only she could stay here.
Y plopped down next to her. “So, how was it?” Had she really been expecting her wish to come true?
She lowered her newspaper shield reluctantly and squirmed a little on her seat. “Well, it was… okay, I guess.”
Episodes
She looked at the list in bemusement. There were names, numbers and places. She was supposed to choose her husband like this? She closed her eyes, subconsciously hoping that when she reopened them, the paper would have gone, perhaps replaced by a marriage certificate. She just wanted the process to be over, to begin a new life without actually making any surreal or gut wrenching decisions.
**
As she sat on the sofa watching him walk along the hallway and into the lounge, she tried to swallow her disappointment. He was skinny and had terrible acne. But he might be really intelligent and funny, she told herself. His awkward communal greeting and fidgety seating did little to improve her impression. That she herself might not have made any better an entrance in such circumstances did not allow her cut him any slack; she expected potential suitors to possess far more self confidence and panache than that. If only she could just put an end to this right now.
After some more terribly awkward moments, the two of them were walking towards the park. They began a stilted conversation without looking at one another.
**
She was relieved to find a newspaper that she could bury herself in amidst numerous toys scattered around the hall. She read of the latest scandals surrounding the US presidential elections with equal measures of resignation and contempt. Comments made by World Bank officials regarding developing economies resulted in a smirk, while an eyebrow was raised at the announcement of the Booker prize being awarded to a novel on India’s sordid dark side. Within these pages was a world she was familiar with, a world that she was part of. If only she could stay here.
Y plopped down next to her. “So, how was it?” Had she really been expecting her wish to come true?
She lowered her newspaper shield reluctantly and squirmed a little on her seat. “Well, it was… okay, I guess.”
27 August 2010
one month panic
and the countdown stands at one month. thirty days. ye gods.
panic has been eating away at me for the past couple of days, and i have shed more tears into my pillow than i care to admit. sleep comes later and later these days. in fact, i should be fast asleep right now, but instead was reading through my journal. the last time i felt this way was when i graduated and left cairo. after tossing and turning and tearing, reading through journal entries from that time was quite soothing. then too, i was upset, had a hard time letting go, and it took me quite some time after being back home to move on and make a new life. i spent a lot of time mourning my lost identity, lost friends.
if i could do it then, i can do it now. this is the only mantra i have, and who knows how many times i will need to repeat it until i am okay. as long as i know i will be okay, that there is a light at the end, i can inch my way across..
panic has been eating away at me for the past couple of days, and i have shed more tears into my pillow than i care to admit. sleep comes later and later these days. in fact, i should be fast asleep right now, but instead was reading through my journal. the last time i felt this way was when i graduated and left cairo. after tossing and turning and tearing, reading through journal entries from that time was quite soothing. then too, i was upset, had a hard time letting go, and it took me quite some time after being back home to move on and make a new life. i spent a lot of time mourning my lost identity, lost friends.
if i could do it then, i can do it now. this is the only mantra i have, and who knows how many times i will need to repeat it until i am okay. as long as i know i will be okay, that there is a light at the end, i can inch my way across..
25 August 2010
hk tourists killed in philippines bus seige
-disgruntled ex-police officer takes tour bus hostage and demands to be reinstated
-ten things the manila police got wrong according to a security analyst, including lack of training, equipment, no element of surprise and not taking the opportunity of disarming the gunman
-hk needs to remain calm and not take out its anger against filipino residents in the city
-ten things the manila police got wrong according to a security analyst, including lack of training, equipment, no element of surprise and not taking the opportunity of disarming the gunman
-hk needs to remain calm and not take out its anger against filipino residents in the city
23 August 2010
don't sweat the small stuff
what better time to remember this useful adage than now, in the midst of wedding preps? because really, it's all small stuff. some time ago, i told H that in the worst scenario, i would see the wedding as an obstacle to get through before us being together (he wasn't overly impressed by this for some strange reason..)- perhaps i should print that out and stick it up somewhere for me to read daily! surely, in the grand scheme of things, the wedding will not matter so much. that being the case, the color of the invitations, the way gifts are wrapped, who is invited, will all also not matter...
i admit, i want a perfect wedding. whether such an event is possible, i don't know. i am quite sure however, that mine will not be that event. for if it were, i would be getting married where i want, i would be wearing clothes i had chosen, and only the people i wanted would be coming. none of these things are all that important though. what bothers me more, are the constant arguments and battle of wills over the smallest of decisions. it is simply not possible for everyone's opinion to be taken into account, and i wish everyone would just respect that. and i wish i was better at just doing my own thing regardless of other opinions.
i want to enjoy myself, from now until the wedding, during the wedding, afterwards. this seems like a momentous task from where i'm standing at the moment however. how nice if i could fast forward to mid november already!
i admit, i want a perfect wedding. whether such an event is possible, i don't know. i am quite sure however, that mine will not be that event. for if it were, i would be getting married where i want, i would be wearing clothes i had chosen, and only the people i wanted would be coming. none of these things are all that important though. what bothers me more, are the constant arguments and battle of wills over the smallest of decisions. it is simply not possible for everyone's opinion to be taken into account, and i wish everyone would just respect that. and i wish i was better at just doing my own thing regardless of other opinions.
i want to enjoy myself, from now until the wedding, during the wedding, afterwards. this seems like a momentous task from where i'm standing at the moment however. how nice if i could fast forward to mid november already!
21 August 2010
ramadan routine
after the first few days of ramadan, my body and mind quickly accustomed themselves to the new routine and i feel good, alhumdolillah. for the past few days i've even been gallivanting in the heat between namaz, trying to get things crossed from my numerous lists.
i enjoy the ramadan routine. there is something about the discipline and lack of choice (regarding food, entertainment, company) that is soothing, not to mention spiritually strengthening and refreshing. it makes me realize how much clutter there is in my life normally, how much unnecessary baggage is carried from one day to the next. ramadan is a welcome respite from it all. (if only i could continue like that after ramadan as well!)
my imminent departure makes this a more poignant ramadan as well, particularly with regard to 69. i find people there to be more friendly than usual -while nice, it's also a little disconcerting..
i cannot help but wonder how ramadan 2011 will play out- what will i be eating for sihori, where will i be sitting in markaz, who will my friends and neighbours be, and so many other things! fingers crossed that everything will be wonderful, inshallah :)
i enjoy the ramadan routine. there is something about the discipline and lack of choice (regarding food, entertainment, company) that is soothing, not to mention spiritually strengthening and refreshing. it makes me realize how much clutter there is in my life normally, how much unnecessary baggage is carried from one day to the next. ramadan is a welcome respite from it all. (if only i could continue like that after ramadan as well!)
my imminent departure makes this a more poignant ramadan as well, particularly with regard to 69. i find people there to be more friendly than usual -while nice, it's also a little disconcerting..
i cannot help but wonder how ramadan 2011 will play out- what will i be eating for sihori, where will i be sitting in markaz, who will my friends and neighbours be, and so many other things! fingers crossed that everything will be wonderful, inshallah :)
15 August 2010
the company you keep
"tell me who you're with, and i'll tell you who you are" -spanish proverb
i came across this proverb while reading an article on friendship, and i loved it! the company you keep truly does say a whole lot about you. since high school, i have been very lucky with my friends. i had a good group of friends throughout high school, an eclectic mix of close friends in cairo, and at work, i was blessed with colleagues who so easily became my friends and family.
when i think about these people, particularly those i call my friends today, i am proud to be associated with them, to be known as their friend, to be measured by them. they are bright, warm, open, funny and talented (among other things). i feel better when i am with them, when i speak to them. most importantly, they bring out the best in me, for which i am so very thankful.
you know who you are -i love you guys!
i came across this proverb while reading an article on friendship, and i loved it! the company you keep truly does say a whole lot about you. since high school, i have been very lucky with my friends. i had a good group of friends throughout high school, an eclectic mix of close friends in cairo, and at work, i was blessed with colleagues who so easily became my friends and family.
when i think about these people, particularly those i call my friends today, i am proud to be associated with them, to be known as their friend, to be measured by them. they are bright, warm, open, funny and talented (among other things). i feel better when i am with them, when i speak to them. most importantly, they bring out the best in me, for which i am so very thankful.
you know who you are -i love you guys!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)