kindle love

i did not expect to love my kindle so much, but it is awesome. i guess i didn't expect to love it because i was thinking of it as a replacement of a physical book. in fact, i love it because it is a replacement of a physical library! those of you reading this space regularly will know that i spent a LOT of time in various libraries in hk, and that there are a dearth of libraries in bombay, causing me much grief.

my kindle allows me to store about 1000 books, to buy and download a book in a matter of minutes from the comfort of my sofa, and to take this veritable library of books with me everywhere! it is super light, with a very long lasting battery, doesn't heat up in my hands, and the e-ink technology makes reading easy on the eyes. it's great for storage purposes as well -my tiny apartment simply has no room for books, especially with the arrival of the twins.

i miss books. marking passages on the kindle is nowhere near as fun as marking them on an actual book. i miss flipping through pages, i miss the smell and feel of a book. but i no longer miss reading, which is more important :)

also, browsing for free/cheap books has led me down book avenues that i previously missed/avoided. and reading new stuff is always welcome: stieg larsson, rachel joyce, matthew quick, jojo meyes. 

a huge thank you to ksa for this wonderful gift :)
 

parenting sans filters

i loved this article by claire bidwell smith, discussing all the moments as a mom and wife that she did not photograph; the dark, ugly and fearful moments that just as much make up motherhood as the hugs, smiles and cookies do. thank you aisha for sharing the article, and for sharing your own parenting difficulties. it really helps me to know i am not alone, that all moms, all parents even, have fears, hang ups and bad days. 

there really are so many articles and blog posts out there that make it seem like all kids are sweet but mischievous smiling angels, with awesome, patient and fun loving parents who somehow manage to parent, work and do the housework, all on minimum sleep. forget articles, i even seem to hear about such kids and parents. in conversation, no one ever admits to how HARD it is. 

i am not at my best at 3am. i am not the best wife at 7pm when h gets home, after bathing the twins at the end of a long day, and when they start getting cranky before their bedtime. i am not the best editor/writer in between the twins’ diaper changes, meal and nap times. i am not the best anything right now. everything that i did so well pre-twins, needs to be rethought, and sometimes i am just not sure how much balancing and juggling i can do. i am not sure how much sleep deprivation i can handle. 

insecurities, anxiety and exhaustion just seem so much more manageable when they are shared. when i know i am not alone fumbling my way in the dark. when i am reassured that there is indeed a light at the end of the tunnel. i don’t want to be told what i am doing wrong, what someone else is doing right; i just want some empathy, some ‘yes, i am there too’, or ‘yes, been there, and i got through it. you will too.’

** 
i do find parenting slightly easier than it was even a month ago. back in india now, i have settled into a routine of sorts with the twins. they finally respond to me as well as they did to my mom as newborns. i am comfortable with making their meals, bathing them, playing with them. (having said this, of course the universe will now decide that i am in need of a steep roller coaster ride..). 

seriously though, i know that things will change soon. teething will bring its own concerns, and as they get older, i am not sure how jealousy and sharing will work out. 

again, it’s good to know i’m not alone. truly.

twins march

this month saw you both learn to turn on to your tummy, turn back, and in the past week, you both even sit independently, albeit for just a few minutes at a time! when m first learned to turn, he simultaneously learned to lift his tummy and butt up in the air constantly, as though that was the way to move around; it was hilarious! now that you can sit, you don’t like lying down much; you even want to be fed while sitting, which is quite a challenge for me! (yes, we need to invest in some chairs..) 

we returned to india this month, and the first few days were hard for you, but now you seem to have settled down. both of your babbling has increased, particularly m’s, whose volume and inflection are quite intense as well. i love watching the expressions on your face, as you see familiar toys and faces, when you are in wonderment at the birds flying outside, or the plants swaying to the wind, when you are concentrating on grasping your toy. 

in all the packing and unpacking that i have done lately, i have put away many of your outgrown clothes; cute outfits that no longer fit you. when you were born, oh-so-tiny, everything was too big for you. and now, suddenly you have grown so much, mashallah, that you are mistaken for older babies!

your interactions have increased as well. at times you are both so happy to see each other, which is a true joy to behold. you hold each other’s hands, pull one another’s hair, babble to each other. witnessing this is by far the best part of having twins :) i hope that your bond will only strengthen as you grow. 

you are now more aware of people, you don’t like it when one of you is being carried and the other isn’t. you don’t like it when you are left alone for long periods of time. 

you had your first outing to a park here, with another set of twins who are about two months older than you. more than the park, you liked interacting with the twins, which was fun to watch. i hope you have many genuine friends and close relationships with people who love you as time goes by. 

i generally am not a fan of cooking; peeling and chopping vegetables, cleaning meat, is so boring and tedious. pm and i used to say that why spend so much time making food, when it takes only 10 minutes to eat it up? and yet, i am happy to make your baby food. peeling your pumpkin and carrots does not bother me. i am excited to make food for you, to plan your meals, and even happier to watch you eat them and grow.

friend, where art thou?

i want friends. i crave friendships, people to chat with, commiserate with, laugh at life’s inanities with, and smile with at its blessings. none of the awesome friends that i have live in the same country as me, forget the same city. in this city that i am trying to make my home, where my twins will grow, i really need friends. i need them for myself, and i need them for my boys. in the two years i have lived here, i am sad to admit i have not made a single friend. for some time i pretended it didn’t matter, and internet made my connections with my far away friends so easy that i thought it would be enough. as my internal world shrinks however, my need for friends right here grows. it is a desperation that i must satisfy. blogging about this is not just cathartic; part of me believes that if i finally own up to how badly i want a few friends, if i am willing to share this desperation here, surely the universe will contrive to send me a few like minded individuals? ask, and you shall recieve??

i am asking. i am not greedy. just two friends. please. the loneliness (of being in a strange land without friends and family, of being a new mom) is eating up at me. 

on a separate (but related) note, is there anything more lonely than being a mom?

twins february

you started your first taste of veggies this month: carrot, sweet potato, pumpkin and doodi. both of your favourites seem to be carrot, while doodi was pretty much a non starter!
 
z (and many others) keep telling me to enjoy this stage of babyhood, as though i don’t. i share my concerns, worries and stresses with them; in the process, i perhaps forget to share the joy and wonder! i LOVE your current size. you fit in my arms, on my chest, so perfectly. i LOVE dressing you up in cute new outfits and then taking numerous photos of you looking adorable. you crack me up every single day with your toothless baby grins, laughs and babble. you have also become quite the drama kings, which also makes me laugh, no matter how exasperated i may be. i love watching you interact with your grandparents, mamu, friends and acquaintances who come to visit. you have started actively playing with your toys and all objects that you come into contact with, which also gives me great joy to witness. i love watching you reach for things, grasp things well, see you explore things and make sense of the world around you. you have your favourite toys, and love playing with your blanket. you also love playing with the sheet covering the sofa, particularly covering your faces with it. you are also currently in love with your own (and everyone else’s fingers). you even occasionally try to pull them off, which amuses and baffles me. 

my heart melts when you hold on to my finger, as though you will never let go. when you smile at me or laugh at my silliness. making you laugh has actually become one of my daily goals! my heart also melts when i see you play together, when one of you is babbling and the other listening intently. 

i am constantly amazed that you two tiny beings are mine. just as i am in wonder at how perfect your features are, your fingers and toes, your hair, your eyes, your smiles. amantobillah. 

twins january

january 29, 2013


ever since i started reading aisha’s monthly love letters to her son, i was in awe. i loved the idea. i wanted to do it myself. i planned to do it once i knew i was having twins. once you were born, i was going to do it. every month, i planned on writing, on getting back to the blog, on sharing you with the world, on sharing my world with you. today i read aisha’s one month letter to her newborn, and i am totally bummed that i still did not write yours, despite both of you being six months. 

so i am writing this. when i learnt i was having twins, i immediately wanted one boy and one girl. the girl would be my friend i thought. i hope that the two of you will be my friends too. i adore both of you. you are both so very different. i can see this so clearly, and i wonder what it means for the future. i cannot wait till you are older and can interact with me more. i have so so many dreams for you. so many aspirations. not the ‘i want you to be an engineer’ kind. be whatever you want, but be happy in your chosen field. be nice to everyone, be gentlemen. i wish for you lots of love, laughter, books, friends and travel. i wish you peace, courage and strength. i look upon the mistakes i made in my life, the opportunities i never took, and i wish for you to not do the same. the world truly is your classroom -don’t stick to one corner, be bold and explore. (i hope that the fact that your first flight was on dec 31, 2011, when you were four months, will have some lasting influence here..) 

i have learnt that parenting is little more than trial and error, so i hope you will overlook my failings and focus on the love and energy with which i tried. as i get one thing figured out, you are both more than happy to move two steps ahead again. i love both of you with my entire being, but i have to admit that i am not in love with motherhood per se. someday i will write a post on motherhood, beginning with baraka’s words, that the journey/story of “becoming a mother and all the ways that smashes into and fractures everything else she is, of being broken open and made anew, is one that takes a lifetime to understand”.

you have just started your sixth month. you now eat small amounts of baby rice cereal, and i plan to introduce you to mashed veggies in the coming days. you laugh and smile with abandon, you speak and shout in delight in a language all your own. you cry as much as you laugh at night however, which continues to distress me no end. you play as happily with my dupatta as with your rattle, and this is a lesson i am learning early -you really don’t need so many toys to keep your entertained. the toys are really for me!

the end of your life book club

this is the first book i started to read post-twins, and it was a good choice! it is a wonderful ode to books and how they enrich your life. the conversations in the book simply underlined my need to find time to read, for myself, and to the twins. it also gave me a long list of book recommendations, quite different to what i might pick up for myself.

“Printed books have body, presence... I often seek electronic books, but they never come after me. They may make me feel, but I can’t feel them. They are all soul with no flesh, no texture, and no weight. They can get in your head but can’t whack you upside it.” 

“That’s one of the things books do. They help us talk. But they also give us something to talk about when we don’t want to talk about ourselves.” 

"Mom preferred authors who paint with few strokes. She loved abstract art and I love figurative." 

“Really, whenever you read something wonderful, it changes your life, even if you aren’t aware of it.” 

“part of the process of Mom’s dying was mourning not just her death, but also the death of our dreams of things to come.” 

“when you’re with someone who is dying, you may need to celebrate the past, live the present, and mourn the future all at the same time.” 

"The Elegance of the Hedgehog is, in many ways, a book about books (and films): what they can teach us, and how they can open up worlds. But it’s really, like most great books, about people--and the connections they make, how they save one another and themselves." 

“joy is a product not of whether characters live or die, but of what they’ve realized and achieved, or how they are remembered.” “She was surrounded by books... They were mom’s companions and teachers. They had shown her the way... What comfort could be gained from staring at my lifeless e-reader?” 

“her conviction that books are the most powerful tool in the human arsenal, that reading all kinds of books, in whatever format you choose... is the grandest entertainment, and also is how you take part in the human conversation.’