Eid 2020

Not only did Ramadan fly by, but it has been six days since Eid. Even with the coronavirus and the lockdown, time continues chugging along. 

Ramadan this year was special. We were home-bound, together with my parents. I haven't spent an entire Ramadan with them since I moved to India, so it was lovely. And the twins, amazingly, fasted for all 30 days, of their own accord, and with minimal fuss. I was amazed, and so proud. Alhumdolillah!

While I missed praying in the masjid, I was happy to not iron a single piece of clothing the entire month, as well as forego the stress of getting out of the house and reaching the masjid on time, finding parking, as well as jagah (space) to pray and eat! (On the other hand, I have to admit that feeding seven people at home while keeping the house clean was a significant challenge that weighed heavily initially!)

The month taught me that anything is possible, there are learning and growing opportunities everywhere, and that faith and hope make the world go round. 

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India seems to be opening up and ending the nation wide lockdown, albeit slowly. The next few months will most likely have new challenges and norms; may we face them with all the grace and strength gathered from Ramadan. Eid Mubarak!

Reading in the lockdown

When social distancing first began, and there were indications of a lockdown happening, I could not read. I had a few book samples on my Kindle, but I simply could not focus on any of them, or decide what would be my next purchase. For me, that was not only an indication of how stressed I was, but also another stressor. I then came across an article saying that peace of mind was essential to reading, and that calmed me a little (why do we always need someone else to tell us what we already know? And why does that make us feel more validated?!). Deciding that light, feel good books were the way to go in these crazy times, I started reading Ayesha At Last, by Uzma Jalaluddin. It was nice to read about a Muslim protagonist, who wears hijab and yet is not ultra conservative or a pushover, or any other stereotype. It was a short, cute, read, 3 stars. I then read The Unlikely Adventures of the Shergill Sisters by Balli Kaur Jaswal. Reading Indian authors/authors of Indian descent is always nice, although I do not read so many of them. The Shergill Sisters was a good read, and it brought back fond memories of my high school Sikh friend. The plot was good, the characters were interesting and the prose was good -all in all, 3.5 stars.

I am now reading Yes No Maybe So, which is a cute YA read. Is it strange to be nearing 40, and still enjoying YA fiction? I hope not. The whole age thing confuses me, I have to say. I forever feel that I am stuck at 23. Even though my boys are now 7, I hardly consider myself a practiced mom. In fact, I largely feel that the roles of wife, daughter, mother are ones that I am still learning. 

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Another good thing to come out of this lockdown was the zoom calls with my high school friends. I hadn’t seen most of them in over 10 years. It was nice to reconnect with these girls, who had once been such an important part of my life. I do hope we manage to stay in touch better now, inshallah.

Similarly, z and I have been meaning to call each other for ever, but the timings never worked. Coronavirus lets us chat more often, with our schedules more home bound now, so for that, alhumdolillah.

laughter is the best medicine

The twins' laughter is music to my soul. I want to bottle it up and just keep listening. The expressions on their faces as they crack up, the hitting their legs and then falling over, clutching their stomachs as they convulse in laughter; oh.my.gosh :)))

We started reading Roald Dahl's The BFG, and the twins are in love. This morning we came across the BFG speaking for the first time, and his poor grammar left them in giggles and smirks. Then we came across 'human beans', 'telly telly bunkum box' and 'radio squeaker', and that was it: the stomach clutching, hitting and rolls on the bed just wouldn't stop. I was cracking up watching them, and just thinking, alhumdolillah. For them, for their innocence and wonder, for their growing up. 

Laughing together is such a great thing. I keep telling H that we don't laugh together as much as we should. Apart from the endorphins that laughing brings, it is such a great feeling to share a joke together, and remember it later :)

Out of sight

While discussing her teenage daughters, an old friend said this: 'I spent the first 10 years of their lives trying hard not to let them out of my sight. I spent the next 10 years trying to stay calm while they were out of my sight.'

I found this funny and poignant, seeing that I currently belong to the 'not let them out of my sight' category.

A few days later, a 22-year-old boy in my masjid died in a car accident. A group of friends were taking the car for a ride. A crazy ride, going at over twice the speed limit. While the rest of them had minor injuries, including the driver, this one boy died on the spot. I cannot begin to understand how his parents will rationalize and deal with this tragedy.

There was a lot of talk about safe driving and how those younger than 25 should not be allowed to drive. Speeding and reckless driving are a huge concern here, largely due to the lack of law enforcement.

To let your child out of your sight, is truly such a scary thing. It requires enormous faith. As the famous quote goes, being a parent 'is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body'. I have yet to let my boys sit in someone else's car without either me or H around. Of course, I know this will very soon have to change. As they get older, I will have to let them go. I will have to trust that they will make safe choices. I found myself wondering how I can ensure that they keep good company.

In the end however, life comes with no guarantees. I can only pray: Inshallah kheir!

self esteem

On the best of days, my self esteem is moderate. Which means that on bad days, it is loooooowwww. I am too old for this surely. I always thought that low self esteem was something I would get over by the time I was married. Huh. Marriage and moving countries took my self esteem to much lower levels than ever before. 

Two things happened in the past two months that really buoyed my self esteem, and I just want to write them down, so I can come back and remember on bad days. (Although, to be honest, simply recalling these events does not help when I am feeling like a complete loser.)

One: When the twins were being examined prior to taking their Juz Amma imtihaan, both examiners were impressed that they had learnt from me, at home. Their indirect praise was truly a balm, as mostly I feel I am a pretty inadequate mom.

Two: On the basis of meeting the twins for the first time, the new madressah moallim asked me if I could help him teach the younger kids. While this totally cracked me up (he would not have asked if he had seen them do their usual masti in the masjid), it also made me feel like I was doing something right. Alhumdolillah.

Today being a bad day, I asked one of the boys if he thought I was smart. Sigh. I want to be a happy, confident person so that I can be a happy, confident parent. Inshallah.

the other americans

I finished Kate Atkinson's Big Sky, and thoroughly enjoyed it. I have now started The Other Americans by Laila Lalami, which I am also thoroughly enjoying so far :) I am a sucker for novels that use different chapters to voice the perspectives of different characters, and Lalami is doing this particularly well. I was surprised to realize that Lalami was also the author of The Moor's Account, which I simply could not get into. The Other Americans is completely different, set in contemporary America. I am also a sucker for the immigrant experience, for many different reasons. One of the chapters was titled 'Maryam', and when I showed it to the twins, their amazement and joy was so nice to see :) Even at the ripe age of seven, they have so many firsts to still experience, and I am so thankful to witness these with them.

different world

It's a small world. Or so we keep saying. We usually say it, ironically, when big coincidences or crazy connections are found. My world, however, really is very small. It encompasses, mostly, about a quarter of Kandivali, which is one of Mumbai's many many suburbs. My tiny apartment, the masjid, the twins' school and madressah; these make up my world. The people involved, also make up a very homogeneous and small number. Just to emphasize: not one of the people in this tiny world of mine, is non-Indian, or even single. So, small world.

This epiphany came to me when I was discussing feeling like a loser, because the girls that I hang out with in the masjid are all younger than me, and have their stuff together much better than me (most importantly, they cook well, and just seem much better adjusted as moms and adults). The conversation meandered down paths that led me to recall friends who are single, who are not Indian, who do not cook.. Which is when I realized that I was constantly comparing myself to a tiny group of people who grew up with a totally different mind set than I did, in a different culture and a different value system. 

I have spent a good part of my life being different. At school, I was the only one among my friends who enjoyed spending breaks reading in the library. At university, I was the only student from Hong Kong. Later on, I was the only veiled girl, the only practicing Muslim, the only person who reads fiction, and so on. Most of the time, this difference was largely fun, and a tiny bit irksome. Mostly because, my world used to be much larger. There were so many different people around, of all ages, races, and with such varied interests. I fit right in, I was just as cool as everyone else. 

With a much smaller world now, where everyone is the same nationality (this never happened to me in the first 30 years of my life; it's a huge deal), where most people get married in their 20s, have two kids by their 30s, where moms stay home while the kids are young, etc etc, I am floundering. 

I am different. And it is okay. Alhumdolillah for the Internet, which makes it so easy to connect with my friends outside this tiny world of mine.. who remind me that I used to be a part of another group, another culture, another world, where I was comfortable. 

This small world of mine does not make me unhappy; it has the twins and H. It has new friends and new experiences. I just need to stop worrying about not being like everyone else, because I am not. I never will be. I will just be me, and I will blossom.

big sky

Jackson Brodie is back :)) After nine years! I have just started reading 'Big Sky', and am already loving it (of course). In particular, I am loving Brodie's caustic discussions in his head, mostly with his ex wife Julia.

I started reading Kate Atkinson while in high school, so reading her novels always brings back many memories and the whole ESF school-British teachers-British English ambience. 

I will savour this book and probably reread a couple of the older Brodie novels when I am done. It is only a quarter way into the novel that the (first?) crime appears, which just makes the novel that much easier to savour and enjoy. Atkinson does not write fast paced thrillers; her prose, humour and character development engage you to the extent that you could forget this is a mystery novel. Brodie reminds me a little of Cormoran Strike, and I do hope another Strike novel is coming soon. (I have to admit that Lethal White was not one of my favourites however..).

one year hiatus

It has been nearly a year since I last blogged. Ten months, to be exact (well, give or take a few days). So much has happened in that time, and yet it does not feel like ten months could have past since I last blogged. Of course, I have occasionally gone months without writing, simply because I was too busy living (or so I tell myself; it could just be laziness :P). And yet, I have always tried to come back, largely because I want to record these days with the twins, this phase of life, I want to capture so many moments and memories, and keep them somewhere safe, to revisit later on.

Today's post is inspired by a friend who started blogging again, also after some time off. Going through her last few posts made me question my own lack of writing, of activism, since being in India. It is strange, but since moving here, I have continued my work with a human rights group based in HK, but have not taken much interest in the human rights scene here. Initially I was simply too overwhelmed, but then I slowly became immune.. there is no dearth of abuse and rights violations here.. add corruption and insane bureaucracy, and it is a wonder that anything good could possibly happen. The average middle class person is just trying to get on with their life, preoccupied with their daily concerns regarding their family and work. The majority of Indians seem hardly concerned with matters of policy and change. Or let me rephrase that: they are not concerned enough to either pay attention, or to do anything about it. I think that I, unfortunately, seem to fit into this category. This is very unlike me, the me that I was in HK.. India has corrupted me in many ways it would seem.

On the other hand, I have far less time and mental energy than I did when I was single and childless. Does that take away some of the sting and guilt? Yes, it really does. I will, however, try to participate a little more in community affairs, and model good social responsibility for the twins.

Speaking of less time, I am slightly out of work these days, and thus have more time on my hands than usual. It has been interesting and depressing searching for part time work. It has also made me start to think about different career paths.. teaching is more appealing now than ever before, although without any qualifications, it seems hard..

charlie and the chocolate factory bliss

i bought charlie and the chocolate factory for the twins in april, thinking that their summer vacation would be a good time begin a chapter book with them. sadly, they were not interested at all! they found the chapters long and too complex, and simply could not sit still or engaged enough. so i put the book away in disappointment.

last month, they went to watch a roald dahl documentary on a school trip, and came home going on about roald dahl, the bfg, and charlie. so a couple of weeks ago, i took out the book again and they insisted i read it to them. this time, they are hooked! they are so eager to read new chapters, they talk to each other about the characters and events, and they bring up random things from the book in relation to daily events :)) i am ecstatic! i love their excitement and anticipation, and i love seeing them process new words and information. i even don't mind the gazillion questions they have!

reading charlie with them brings back wonderful childhood reading memories, and i cannot wait to read harry potter, the famous five and other books with them!

poetry

when i started searching for a poem for the twins' school recital, i was amazed at the amount of awesome poetry out there. i should not have been amazed really, but i had never given children's poetry much thought or time before. i can't remember having much to do with poetry until i was in my teens.. kipling's 'if' was my first favorite poem!

in the end, i went with 'be glad your nose is on your face' by jack prelutsky, as it seemed the right length, and would amuse the boys, i felt. and it did! the first few times i read it to them resulted in peals of laughter at specific lines. oh how i wanted to bottle up those moments and sounds!

i decided then that i must immediately find a good poetry collection for them.. recommendations are welcome! i should also read poetry for myself more often.. rupi kaur was a great start!

now we are six

the twins turned six at the end of last month, and they had their first birthday party to celebrate! (earlier we just had small celebrations at home with cake, but this time i couldn't get away with that :P)

i was SOOO stressed out before the party, while the kids were super excited. anyways, it's over now and the kids had fun, so it's all good :) 

  

a week after their party, i found this lovely cute poem by a a milne, while i was looking for something for their poetry recital:           

Now We Are Six

When I was One, I had just begun. 
When I was Two, I was nearly new. 
When I was Three I was hardly me. 
When I was Four, I was not much more. 
When I was Five, I was just alive. 
But now I am Six, I'm as clever as clever, 
So I think I'll be six now for ever and ever.

even though it was too short for their recital, i taught it to them anyway, and they enjoyed it :) 

ah, my babies are six! they understand so much and know so much, and are learning complex things like subtraction and body parts and the solar system. they have also finished memorizing the 30th separah of the quran, alhumdolillah! i am in awe at these tiny humans who live with me :)) and i terribly miss their babyness and babbling and cuddles.

'children of blood and bone' and other books

i loved the movie black panther. H might have actually enjoyed it more than me, saying that it was 'much more than the other captain america films'. and it was; not only was the all black cast long due, but the characters were good and real, and the plot was more than superhero action. 

i was hence excited to read children of blood and bone, for various reasons -black characters, magic, a new series to look forward to! and the novel did not disappoint. i absolutely loved all of it! in fact, i was surprised that i had not heard of it until z told me she was reading it.. i hope the next novel in the series will not be too long a wait, and i am also excited to watch the movies!!

following that, i read imbolo mbue's behold the dreamers, also a good read. 

i just finished we never asked for wings, which was a lighter read. being a mom, it was interesting to read about a mother who initially let her own mom take care of her kids, and then see her journey towards becoming a real parent. it was also sobering to read about those who live at the edge or even outside the 'system', which is something mbue's novel focuses on as well. 

kristin hannah's 'the great alone' is my next read, and hopefully it will turn out to be just as awesome as my last few novels :)

happy ramadan

as usual, this post comes late. i almost didn't write it, but i wanted to record what a lovely month we all had, so here goes.

eid was a few days ago, and the month leading up to it was one of the most spiritual and productive ramadans i have had in a lonnng time! first off, i sent the twins to sit with H in the men's section, so i was no longer relegated to the kids' area, and could actually pray namaz in the masjid. we would go early enough for me to pray quran, listen to the bayan and pray all the namaz! and i could do all this in PEACE, without shushing the kids, or refereeing them, or dragging them back to my masallah; pure bliss!

the hafiz who had come this year was awesome. he was young and passionate and driven, and he drove everyone else into doing things we had long forgotten/given up. not only did the twins continue their hifz over their summer vacation, but i did my own hifz, and H attended a workshop on proper quran recitation, alhumdolillah.

amazingly, none of us got sick this time, so we were all on track for fasting and going to masjid. alhumdolillah!

the twins sat quietly with H, listened to whatever was going on around them, had fun pre and post dinner with their friends. i also enjoyed having friends to sit with for dinner. even my MIL was happy sitting on a chair this year.

may next ramadan be just as peaceful and blessed, inshallah!

preschool graduation

at five, the twins have now officially finished with preschool, and will start grade one in june! wow. how time flies. when i think of them starting playgroup, so many milestones ago, they seem so grown up now.

attending their preschool graduation was fun. all the kids were so happy to wear their tiny caps and gowns, waving their rolled up certificates!

the twins have learnt and grown a lot, especially this past year. i am particularly happy with a's progress; he has become so much more confident and open since being separated from his twin. i hope their next school year is just as rewarding and fun for them, inshallah!

reading challenge

for the past few years, i have been using goodreads to record my reading activity. i have also been taking the goodreads reading challenge of reading a certain number of books annually. 

today i came across this different kind of reading challenge, which totally piqued my interest. several years ago i had decided to read only books by authors of color, to broaden my horizons, as well as do my tiny bit in supporting their work. that was definitely a good experience, and i think this reading challenge of choosing particular books will also be fun and interesting. i haven't decided yet which prompts i will choose, but here are some that i like:

-a book set in a country that fascinates you
-a book published the year you graduated
-a book by two authors
-a book set at sea
-a book with alliteration in the title

for more prompts, and a group to join, visit popsugar.

still me

i have just finished reading two lovely books, which makes me so happy. not just that the books were good, but that i was able to read two books in a row, that were just what i wanted to read. in fact, this is probably what makes the experience even sweeter; it is not always easy to find the perfect book to read for a particular moment!

first i read 'the one in a million boy' by monica wood, and i totally wondered why i had never heard of it before, or seen it on any goodreads/amazon recommendation lists! i loved reading about the boy, who is not named throughout the novel, as well as the 104-year-old woman he was helping. it reminded me a lot of britt-marie was here (without backman's humour). these days i find myself enjoying reading about old people.. (enough said).

immediately afterwards i started reading still me by jojo moyes, the third in the louisa clark series. i enjoyed it far more than after you, which i found a little sad and wallowing. me before you is still the best, but perhaps that is simply because it was the introduction of louisa and will, two fascinating characters. aside from the novel itself, i like the name: still me. the themes of immigrants, of not belonging, of always being torn between different homes, identities and cultures, fluctuating between different selves; these are all aspects that i have felt pretty much most of the past decade, in varying degrees. most recently, i have lamented to friends that my kids will never know the me that they knew, the me of cairo, the me of ahrc. for the twins, i am just mumma, which is an identity built recently, and devoid of so much of my past lives..

their response, and louisa's in 'still me', reminds me that i will always be 'me', made up of many different facets. and that i can be whichever me i want!

twins' first school picnic and my ferrero rocher shake

the twins went on their first school picnic/outing yesterday, and they had a ball, alhumdolillah. they were excited and looking forward to it for days, and they were up instantly yesterday morning, all ready to go (if only they would wake up like that everyday). it was their first time to be out without us for most of the day, but i am sure they hardly noticed. m said he had a great 'adventure' :) may they continue to find adventure in all of life's moments. 

a left his water bottle somewhere, and he came and told me that 'please pray i get it back'. i love the fact that he thought of prayer. i encourage them to give thanks for their day before they sleep.. i will try tweaking this now by getting them to find one specific thing they are thankful for each night..

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their day-long outing meant that i was able to have a leisurely and scrumptious lunch (the highlight being a super rich ferrero rocher shake- i am still drooling!) with two lovely friends; alhumdolillah! it was a lovely time, and will most likely be my highlight of the month :)

goodbye, vitamin

i finished reading rachel khong's goodbye, vitamin. it was nice, a light, short read. the writing style was very stream-of-consciousness, which was a refreshing difference from the usual beginning-middle-end novels. also, i was particularly heartened to read about a 30-something character who is as clueless as a 20-something. she does not have a marriage, home, career and two kids. as someone who is forever bemused that i am no longer 23, and constantly wondering what i have accomplished in my twenties and thirties, it was nice to read about someone smart and good, but who doesn't have life all figured out and wrapped up in shiny paper.

twins catch up

i am not sure when this happened exactly, but the twins are little people now, with distinct personalities. a few months ago, m told me he did not want to dress like a anymore. i was heartbroken. together with the emergence of distinct personalities comes severe sibling rivalry. one twin is clearly more dominating and assertive, which works in his favour. as a parent, i am left reeling, wondering how to protect and empower the more passive sibling. oh, the curve keeps getting steeper!

i am very thankful that i separated them in school this year; i can see so much improvement in a. according to m's teacher, his academic development is progressing in proportion to his mischief! 

they started madressah this year, and they seem to be enjoying it and doing well. when i went to pick them up on their first day, their teacher said their english was excellent; still not sure if that was a compliment or not! now of course they speak in ld there. they have many friends in the masjid now, which makes going there a little daunting for me! until last ramadan, people were still telling me how good and quiet the twins were at the masjid.. unfortunately, all good things come to an end. now, everyone is surprised at how much masti (mischief) they get up to, sigh. 

their hifz (memorizing the quran) progress is also outstanding, mashallah. 

overall, they are healthy, happy and energetic boys. i wish for quiet at times, and wonder at their selective hearing, but otherwise, alhumdolillah. my next target: making them eat on their own, inshallah!