Eid 2020

Not only did Ramadan fly by, but it has been six days since Eid. Even with the coronavirus and the lockdown, time continues chugging along. 

Ramadan this year was special. We were home-bound, together with my parents. I haven't spent an entire Ramadan with them since I moved to India, so it was lovely. And the twins, amazingly, fasted for all 30 days, of their own accord, and with minimal fuss. I was amazed, and so proud. Alhumdolillah!

While I missed praying in the masjid, I was happy to not iron a single piece of clothing the entire month, as well as forego the stress of getting out of the house and reaching the masjid on time, finding parking, as well as jagah (space) to pray and eat! (On the other hand, I have to admit that feeding seven people at home while keeping the house clean was a significant challenge that weighed heavily initially!)

The month taught me that anything is possible, there are learning and growing opportunities everywhere, and that faith and hope make the world go round. 

**
India seems to be opening up and ending the nation wide lockdown, albeit slowly. The next few months will most likely have new challenges and norms; may we face them with all the grace and strength gathered from Ramadan. Eid Mubarak!

now we are six

the twins turned six at the end of last month, and they had their first birthday party to celebrate! (earlier we just had small celebrations at home with cake, but this time i couldn't get away with that :P)

i was SOOO stressed out before the party, while the kids were super excited. anyways, it's over now and the kids had fun, so it's all good :) 

  

a week after their party, i found this lovely cute poem by a a milne, while i was looking for something for their poetry recital:           

Now We Are Six

When I was One, I had just begun. 
When I was Two, I was nearly new. 
When I was Three I was hardly me. 
When I was Four, I was not much more. 
When I was Five, I was just alive. 
But now I am Six, I'm as clever as clever, 
So I think I'll be six now for ever and ever.

even though it was too short for their recital, i taught it to them anyway, and they enjoyed it :) 

ah, my babies are six! they understand so much and know so much, and are learning complex things like subtraction and body parts and the solar system. they have also finished memorizing the 30th separah of the quran, alhumdolillah! i am in awe at these tiny humans who live with me :)) and i terribly miss their babyness and babbling and cuddles.

happy ramadan

as usual, this post comes late. i almost didn't write it, but i wanted to record what a lovely month we all had, so here goes.

eid was a few days ago, and the month leading up to it was one of the most spiritual and productive ramadans i have had in a lonnng time! first off, i sent the twins to sit with H in the men's section, so i was no longer relegated to the kids' area, and could actually pray namaz in the masjid. we would go early enough for me to pray quran, listen to the bayan and pray all the namaz! and i could do all this in PEACE, without shushing the kids, or refereeing them, or dragging them back to my masallah; pure bliss!

the hafiz who had come this year was awesome. he was young and passionate and driven, and he drove everyone else into doing things we had long forgotten/given up. not only did the twins continue their hifz over their summer vacation, but i did my own hifz, and H attended a workshop on proper quran recitation, alhumdolillah.

amazingly, none of us got sick this time, so we were all on track for fasting and going to masjid. alhumdolillah!

the twins sat quietly with H, listened to whatever was going on around them, had fun pre and post dinner with their friends. i also enjoyed having friends to sit with for dinner. even my MIL was happy sitting on a chair this year.

may next ramadan be just as peaceful and blessed, inshallah!

preschool graduation

at five, the twins have now officially finished with preschool, and will start grade one in june! wow. how time flies. when i think of them starting playgroup, so many milestones ago, they seem so grown up now.

attending their preschool graduation was fun. all the kids were so happy to wear their tiny caps and gowns, waving their rolled up certificates!

the twins have learnt and grown a lot, especially this past year. i am particularly happy with a's progress; he has become so much more confident and open since being separated from his twin. i hope their next school year is just as rewarding and fun for them, inshallah!

twins' first school picnic and my ferrero rocher shake

the twins went on their first school picnic/outing yesterday, and they had a ball, alhumdolillah. they were excited and looking forward to it for days, and they were up instantly yesterday morning, all ready to go (if only they would wake up like that everyday). it was their first time to be out without us for most of the day, but i am sure they hardly noticed. m said he had a great 'adventure' :) may they continue to find adventure in all of life's moments. 

a left his water bottle somewhere, and he came and told me that 'please pray i get it back'. i love the fact that he thought of prayer. i encourage them to give thanks for their day before they sleep.. i will try tweaking this now by getting them to find one specific thing they are thankful for each night..

**
their day-long outing meant that i was able to have a leisurely and scrumptious lunch (the highlight being a super rich ferrero rocher shake- i am still drooling!) with two lovely friends; alhumdolillah! it was a lovely time, and will most likely be my highlight of the month :)

ramadan kareem

Ramadan is one of my favourite months, and this year, i am setting a few goals for myself. Just three simple things that I need to work on generally; what better time to start than Ramadan, the month of blessings and mercy.

- I need to be more patient. With my kids, family, myself.  This whatsapp forward made me smile:

‘patience is not about how long you can wait, but how well you behave while waiting’. i can wait awhile, but am usually quite sullen about it! Also, some time ago, the church nearby had its quote as ‘patience is the best prayer’.

-I can be nicer. There are many times when I react too fast, when the moment would be served better by just smiling and remaining silent, by being nice. So, whenever I want to shout, I will try to smile instead :P

-Reading more Quran. I used to be so regular with this, and it is time to get back on track.

Three small things. Inshallah!

#microblog mondays

water fun

over the weekend, we went to a small resort nearby that had pools and a few water slides. the twins had a ball, as did i! whooshing down the slides with one twin lying on top of me was such FUN :)) the last time i was on a water slide must have been when i was in school! it brought back fond memories of water world, hk's only water park that did well for a number of years, but eventually had to close down due to its seasonal operation unable to cover costs.

there were all kinds of people frolicking in the water, from teens, to parents to toddlers and grandparents. i was particularly pleased to see a couple of grandmas thoroughly enjoying themselves on the water slides in their salwar kameez. it made me want to bring my mom along the next time she is in india! the strict dress code that is the norm in pools elsewhere doesn't seem to apply everywhere in india, which is good. it is nice that people can enjoy the water without being restricted to wearing something they are not comfortable with. yay!

#microblog mondays

*happy* new year!

my parents flew in on dec 31, which was the best new year gift ever :) i hope to continue seeing family throughout the year, inshallah. the end of 2015 saw much discrimination and antagonism globally, and i can only pray that 2016 will be a better, more peaceful year.

i saw a post about happiness jars by elizabeth gilbert on facebook, and i loved the idea. i haven't found an ideal jar/container yet, so i have stored my slips of paper in a cute pouch for the moment. just writing out the little moments/incidents that i am thankful for makes me happier. i imagine that looking through this collection on a blah/sad day will be the equivalent of chicken soup for the soul, or looking through precious photo albums from the past :)

happiness begets happiness, so recording these moments can only bring on more such moments. and this ties in well with me wanting to practice more gratitude and optimism with the twins. so..  let the happiness begin!

thanksgiving

after climbing into his school bus, m will turn around without fail, wave at me and say 'bye mumma', with the sweetest grin, before ambling off to his seat. his enthusiasm is infectious, and i always wave off the bus with a responding smile.. that moment always elicits an 'alhumdolillah for these two beautiful blessings in my life'.. the smile carries me home, until i am back to the grind.

this past weekend i realized that i would not be able to carry the twins for much longer. tall, their legs already reach my knees when they are in my arms. carrying them since birth, i cannot fathom what this means right now.. sure, all kids outgrow being carried, but i did not expect this moment to come so soon. i still have some time, and i will be more conscious about it.. if i could just pause time a little..

**

H and i have started taking sabaq (religious classes).. not only am i happy for myself, but i am excited to share this religious journey with my spouse. i see it as a way to grow, individually and as a couple. Getting closer to allah is surely the purpose of this life, and doing that together with my partner is bliss.

#microblog mondays

 

each day counts

Just before coming across this image on fb (from mentors channel), I had been planning to have a few hours of relaxation, reading and mindless internet surfing. Suddenly, it all seemed quite trivial in exchange for ‘one day of my life’.

On the other hand, every life needs relaxation. Books, movies, articles, quotes are all part of what make up life experience. So perhaps balance is the key.

The idea of exchanging your time and emotions for other things is important. If every minute of my day/life counts, then how many minutes are wasted in feeling anger/guilt/sadness, in thinking about doing something rather than just doing it, in being mean rather than kind, in pushing someone away?

This quote inspires me to be a better person, take more responsibility for how I spend my time on this earth. It reminds me of one of my favourite Rumi poems:

On Resurrection Day God will ask,
“During this reprieve I gave you,
what have you produced for Me?
Through what work have you reached your life’s end?
Your food and your strength, for what have they been consumed?
Where have you dimmed the luster of your eyes?
Where have you dissipated your five senses?
You have expended eyes and ears and intellect
and the pure celestial substances;
what have you purchased from the earth?
I gave you hands and feet as spade and mattock
for tilling the soil of good works,
when did they by themselves become existent?”

Which also reminds me that I have not read poetry for so long! Must remedy this immediately!  

#microblog mondays

 

difference

how narrow my world would be without science fiction, magical worlds, mysticism; without harry potter, twilight, lord of the rings, star trek. i watched christopher nolan's interstellar last night, my first non-bollywood film in ages, and it felt so GOOD. the movie has its flaws (mainly the length and the complexity/accuracy of the plot), but the visuals were awesome, and the idea. it felt so good to get out of all things local and petty. why can't indian films be as ambitious, as different? i miss difference here. i cannot emphasize that enough. i miss different cuisines, different films, people of different races and faiths and professions and countries. i try to forget all this, try to just get on with my daily routine, but seeing the movie just brought it all back. i am sad, yes, that i don't have access to all this difference right now. but more than that, i am thankful that i had it for so long. that i grew up with so much difference, went to university in a different continent, worked with all kinds of difference. i have no idea how to impart some of this difference to the twins.. i want for them a much broader world than what i see here..

a child of the universe

i have been wanting to write forever, but time keeps eluding me. now that i am finally here, i will just let the words flow..

i met z in may, after EIGHT YEARS! it was only for one day, just some hours, but gosh, it was a wonderful day. it was time taken out of our usual routines, surreal, and yet totally real. i love you z!

on the same day, i attended a panel discussion of bohra women, which just opened my mind to the possibilities that surround me, to the world that is waiting outside my door.. as i have noted so many times, my world is quite quite narrow these days. as the twins grow, and as i get more confident, i can see the world widening however..

lisan-ud-dawat is such a beautiful language, and it was such a pleasure to hear it being so eloquently spoken that day. the ‘gujerati’ that surrounds me here has been such a sore to my ears and heart; this was the sweetest balm.

**
the past weekend was just lovely, and i am still riding its high.. may it last throughout the week!

**
Desiderata
Max Erhman

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, 
and remember what peace there may be in silence. 
As far as possible without surrender 
be on good terms with all persons. 
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; 
and listen to others, 
even the dull and the ignorant; 
they too have their story. 

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, 
they are vexations to the spirit. 
If you compare yourself with others, 
you may become vain and bitter; 
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. 
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. 

Keep interested in your own career, however humble; 
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. 
Exercise caution in your business affairs; 
for the world is full of trickery. 
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; 
many persons strive for high ideals; 
and everywhere life is full of heroism. 

Be yourself. 
Especially, do not feign affection. 
Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. 
Take kindly the counsel of the years, 
gracefully surrendering the things of youth. 
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. 
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. 
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. 
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. 

You are a child of the universe, 
no less than the trees and the stars; 
you have a right to be here. 
And whether or not it is clear to you, 
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. 

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, 
and whatever your labors and aspirations, 
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. 

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, 
it is still a beautiful world. 
Be cheerful. 
Strive to be happy. 
-- 

this poem is another ‘if’ by kipling.. :) and the last line is a gentle reminder that being happy requires work, it is far from effortless. just as loving also requires work..

twins, family time and good books

twins april: 20 months! 
wow. you are big boys now! you run and play and love to ride bicycles -mostly pretend ones using cushions! (sorry, getting you your own bicycles is quite overdue, i promise this will be our next priority!) 

you love playing in the water -your inflatable tub was an instant hit, but getting the two of you out of there? tantrums galore and incessant wailing, phew. generally speaking, getting you out of the bathroom is now a headache for me..! 

you talk more, you remember things (like the road leading to the dr's clinic!), you know the words to many a nursery rhyme. your favourites by far are 'hickory dickory dock', 'wheels on the bus', 'engine engine' and 'baa baa black sheep'. listening to you sing them at random moments (in words that are strangely not recognizable to all) makes me smile smile smile! you know most of your picture books inside out, and are pretty familiar with all your stories too. it is adorable watching you anticipate what i will read next, mimic my actions, or beat me to it with your own version. may you always be fascinated by stories and books!

both of you love talking on the phone. with a french accented 'allo?' that totally cracks everyone up! strangely, you will only speak to a dial tone. if someone is in fact on the line, well then, it is your silent time. you get very excited to skype-video your grandparents though :)

we visited your cousins last weekend, and m had a ball playing and following his younger cousin around. he now periodically asks to see her pic on my phone, and then carries the phone around with the silliest grin on his face. i am so happy to see you happy in the company of your family and loved ones. 

family time 
it was wonderful for me to be with family and friends as well. i love my nieces, but seeing them interact with the twins made me love them more. it was nice to shed some responsibility for their entertainment too :p not having to do any housework also rocked :p and having adults to hang out with, talk to, also rocked. i don’t get out and socialize enough here.. it feels good :) 

being a parent amidst other parents, watching all our kids be kids; this is all a novel experience. and yet, i wonder, will it really become old at some point? i hope not. i hope i am always in awe :)  

books 
i read two great books recently, flight behaviour by barbara kingsolver, and a god in every stone by kamila shamsie. i don’t have quotes to share (and i blame this on the kindle), but i definitely recommend the books, particularly flight behaviour. have just started reading orphan train, which is promising to be an awesome read too. yay for great books :) 

twins august: one year!

the twins are one. oh my! a year ago, they were still in my tummy. i went to the hospital, my heart in my mouth the entire time. unlike other countries and hospitals, H was not allowed into the labor room, so i was on my own. i will never forget the moment the doc held up a tiny, grey mass to show me.. and then another. 

when i look at their newborn pics, i can hardly believe how tiny they were, how much they’ve grown. not just in size, but also in personality! from two helpless babes, totally dependent on me, they are now little boys with loud babbles and big attitudes! they can suddenly open doors and drawers, they eat a wide variety of foods, know the difference between real and fake phones, climb on to the bed and sofa, and so much more. 

when did all this happen? suddenly, they learn something new everyday, and i can barely keep up. ‘the days are long, but the years are short’. oh, SO SO true. each day of this year has been long, and the nights even longer. and yet, without me noticing, somehow it has already been twelve months! 

with the twins, i have grown too. i have more patience than i thought possible. (it is still not enough, but that’s a different story.) my priorities have changed. i have started cooking! i appreciate my mom (and my dad) so much more. 

i am ecstatic that they are growing, it is so wonderful to watch them learn new things (yesterday a learnt to throw a ball. he now thinks every single object in his hand is to be thrown. repeatedly.), take more steps towards independent walking.. and yet, i cry when i see their newborn pics, when i have to fold away clothes too small for them, when they crawl away from me to examine some new wonder. this is how everyone’s parenting journey goes, i know, but it does not make it any easier, or make my anguish any less poignant.

happy birthday my beautiful boys. may you always be in wonderment at the world around you.

twins february

you started your first taste of veggies this month: carrot, sweet potato, pumpkin and doodi. both of your favourites seem to be carrot, while doodi was pretty much a non starter!
 
z (and many others) keep telling me to enjoy this stage of babyhood, as though i don’t. i share my concerns, worries and stresses with them; in the process, i perhaps forget to share the joy and wonder! i LOVE your current size. you fit in my arms, on my chest, so perfectly. i LOVE dressing you up in cute new outfits and then taking numerous photos of you looking adorable. you crack me up every single day with your toothless baby grins, laughs and babble. you have also become quite the drama kings, which also makes me laugh, no matter how exasperated i may be. i love watching you interact with your grandparents, mamu, friends and acquaintances who come to visit. you have started actively playing with your toys and all objects that you come into contact with, which also gives me great joy to witness. i love watching you reach for things, grasp things well, see you explore things and make sense of the world around you. you have your favourite toys, and love playing with your blanket. you also love playing with the sheet covering the sofa, particularly covering your faces with it. you are also currently in love with your own (and everyone else’s fingers). you even occasionally try to pull them off, which amuses and baffles me. 

my heart melts when you hold on to my finger, as though you will never let go. when you smile at me or laugh at my silliness. making you laugh has actually become one of my daily goals! my heart also melts when i see you play together, when one of you is babbling and the other listening intently. 

i am constantly amazed that you two tiny beings are mine. just as i am in wonder at how perfect your features are, your fingers and toes, your hair, your eyes, your smiles. amantobillah. 

motherhood and parental love

the moment i became a mother, was when i understood parental love. when my mom stayed up with me to rock my unconsolable twins, when she woke up at odd hours to feed me various nourishing concoctions, when she shared with me her experience with her first born; that was when i appreciated and truly felt her presence as a mother. she was my anchor in the sea of nursing, wailing, pain and exhaustion that i was buffeted by in the early weeks. she told me that her mother did the same for her children, and now she was doing the same for mine.. the circles of motherhood hence continue..

when my dad came and bolstered my courage, when he told me that i was given two blessings that i now had to do shukr for by bringing them up in the best way possible, i again felt blanketed in parental love. it is like a security blanket, one that will never let you fall. no matter what, no matter my tantrums, my idiosyncracies, my antisocial behaviour, i KNOW that my parents will always love me, they will always be on my side, that i will always find a refuge in their presence.

sure, i might have known all this before, but being a parent myself changes the perception. i know it more deeply now, i can feel it in my very essence, because i feel the same way about my babies. i imagine my love for the twins will only grow, and so the love my parents must feel for me is ten fold.

my pregnancy was not easy, and it took quite an emotional toll on me. giving birth had its own issues, and by the time i was ready to come home from the hospital i was in sore need of not just some TLC, but bucketfuls of unconditional love. i was panicky, mildly depressed and in constant tears. i was terrified of the responsibility of taking care of two tiny babies who never -so it seemed- stopped crying. in fact, i have to admit that the early days of mothering were not at all like the golden moments people describe, and i am very thankful to those who shared their own un-golden experiences.

i started reading momma zen by karen miller a month later, and that helped a lot too.

baraka described the process of becoming a mother wonderfully, capturing all the angst and joy it entails:

Every mother has two birthing tales:

One, that of giving birth to her child, is shared. The other, of giving birth to herself, of becoming a mother and all the ways that smashes into and fractures everything else she is, of being broken open and made anew, is one that takes a lifetime to understand.

this is the first of what i hope will be many posts on motherhood and parenting. i look forward to this lifetime journey with my twin boys :)

smart connections

i finally joined the world of smartphones, and it feels great. being able to chat with friends and family overseas, for free, while i’m lying in bed, or taking a tea break, or when i come across something funny/interesting/sad, is awesome. being able to call them for free, without the encumbrance of headphones and both parties sitting at their computers, is equally awesome.

i last felt this way when i eventually signed up to facebook some years ago. today, i still enjoy facebook for the glimpse it gives me to my close, and not-so-close friends’ lives--their thoughts, their links, their pictures, their updates. it is a superficial interaction, but it is still one that i am happy to have. it is better than no glimpse at all.

i’ve come across so many people saying that they wish they were less connected, less addicted to the emails-messages-blogs etc that their phones bring to them instantly. i don’t foresee feeling this way, since i am quite particular with my phone usage. (it helps that i am online most of the day anyways, working on my laptop, so i can keep my phone for what/when my laptop does not allow.)

**
mel has a great (if slightly lengthy) post on the validation we get from being connected, check it out. as well as on the difference in perspective between today’s children and those of us who grew up without the internet.

**
despite working from home for just over a year, i have only recently begun to take part in skype conference calls with colleagues in hk. while there is some awkwardness due to time delays and not always hearing those further from the mic, (as well as fervent wishing that i too were there, in that room, dressed up, with my notebook and mug of coffee), i am realizing that the benefits outweigh the discomfort. it allows me to articulate, to interact, to feel validated, to feel part of a team again. oh yes, far more important than any slight awkwardness.

happy 2012

i had a great end to 2011 (thank you, H), a week of friends and family chilling time, and am now looking forward to 2012 -may it be the best year yet for everyone!

i am not a new year resolutions kind of person, but i like the idea of making ‘happy’ resolutions -doing things that make you happy, resolutions that actually excite you, rather than those that you ‘should’ be doing (and actually dread!). creating a list of things that would make me happy? oh wow :)

**
while catching up with an old friend, a college roommate, i found myself pensively reflecting on how it is that much harder to make such close friends now; friends who’ve known me for the past 10 years, friends i’ve lived with, travelled with, cried, laughed, celebrated with. friends who have watched me grow, watched me make my way from x to y and beyond.

when this pensiveness was over, it suddenly struck me that i had the exact same thoughts when i arrived in cairo, at uni, missing my school friends of seven years!! now though, it is my uni friendships that are closer and stronger..

so, perhaps there is still hope! or perhaps some of those old friends may move to bombay.. :P i’ve been lucky, in my one year here, i’ve had several friends and family members visit.. may there be many more such visits in 2012, inshallah!

contentment, imperfection and self improvement

i read a thought provoking post today regarding quashing the urge for self improvement, and instead learning to be content with who you are and what you have. i find this idea contradictory though, and almost a paradox. i agree with the first half of the premise:

You could say it’s great that people are constantly trying to improve themselves, but where does it end? When is anyone ever content with who they are? We are taught that we are not good enough yet, that we must improve, and so … we always feel a little inadequate.

This is true no matter how much you’ve accomplished. You might have achieved a thousand goals, but do you have defined abs? Are your boobs big and bouncy? Do you have perfect skin? Have you read every classic in literature?...Do you have the perfect home, and can you cook gourmet meals? Are you the perfect parent, or have perfect work-life balance? Can you do yoga, meditate, juggle and do magic? Do you brew the perfect cup of coffee, or tea, or beer? Can you recite Shelly, Shakespeare, Homer? Are you good at picking up women, are you the perfect friend, the perfect lover, a romantic husband, a wife who meets her husband’s needs, a master craftsman, a hacker and a programmer, a knitter or sewer, a home-repair expert...

We are never adequate, never perfect, never self-confident, never good enough, never comfortable with ourselves, never satisfied, never there, never content.

all true. all bad.
but. the second half?

What if instead, we learned to be happy with ourselves?

What would happen?

Would we stop striving to improve? Would that be horrible, if we were just content and didn’t need to better ourselves every minute of every week? Would we be lazy slobs, or would we instead be happy, and in being happy do things that make us happy rather than make us better?
…

Realize that you are already perfect. You are there. You can breathe a sigh of relief.

really? i don’t feel perfect. far from it in fact. and that’s okay, because i’m not really looking for perfection. i want to be able to do certain things better, things that make me happy. and that requires improvement, which is fine. i’m not looking for a bigger house or trendy clothes or better skin. i think the line between content and improvement is fine, and you have to be aware, all the time, of which side you’re on. being content is not a bad thing, but neither is striving to be better. it’s all about the degree i guess. and the context: being content in a job you hate or a relationship gone sour is just copping out. striving for all kinds of material gain or trying to be perfect at everything meanwhile, is not about being happy.

focus on the things that do make you happy, and strive to do those better. because, you know, the chances are, you’re not innately destined to be good at what makes you happy. and being great at something, almost always requires work and practice (malcolm gladwell’s infamous ‘10 000 hour' rule for instance).

striving to be a better human, a better person, is never a bad thing.

ask yourself why you want to improve whatever it is you want to improve. if the answer is internal, related to you, great. if it’s external, then you need to stop and rethink.

**
a woman’s search for god in the city discusses the trend in western self help literature to advise ‘quitting your job and following your dreams’, and compares this to her own job and life situation. her conclusion:

As an Indian woman who was destined to be a housewife, being able to work itself is a dream. That I am in a job I love, is nothing short of nirvana.

I don’t think it is the job that is to blame for stifled dreams. After all, people choose those jobs willingly for whatever reason. They follow their priorities. Our jobs are actually a reflection of our own life condition. They mirror our own truths and inner realities. If we don’t like what we see outside, we need to look inside for what needs fixing. Joy can be found anywhere — even in dusty old law books or crooked text boxes on computer screens.

choosing what is

i came across the following poem, which is summed up by the line, 'i vow to choose what is'. and this is something i have considerable difficulty with!

In this passing moment
by Shodo Harada Roshi

“In the presence of Sangha, in the light of Dharma,
in oneness with Buddha — may my path
to complete enlightenment benefit everyone!”

In this passing moment karma ripens
and all things come to be.
I vow to choose what is:
If there is cost, I choose to pay.
If there is need, I choose to give.
If there is pain, I choose to feel.
If there is sorrow, I choose to grieve.
When burning — I choose heat.
When calm — I choose peace.
When starving — I choose hunger.
When happy — I choose joy.
Whom I encounter, I choose to meet.
What I shoulder, I choose to bear.
When it is my death, I choose to die.
Where this takes me, I choose to go.
Being with what is — I respond to what is.

This life is as real as a dream;
the one who knows it can not be found;
and, truth is not a thing — Therefore I vow
to choose THIS dharma entrance gate!
May all Buddhas and Wise Ones
help me live this vow.

in discussing the poem, ivan notes, "You would think the unavoidable nature of “what is” would make a vow like this meaningless, but the human mind and heart are not entirely sane. They often choose fantasy, imaginings, shoulds and coulds, possibilities, even impossibilties, over what is. Very few of us truly dwell in reality. Very few of us sincerely experience the moments of our lives."

so true. the lines regarding choosing to grieve, choosing hunger, choosing to bear remind me of rumi's the guest house. lofty sentiments, but so hard to follow. when i am feeling lost, hurt or abandoned, i want to unexperience that as soon as possible, not dwell in it. moreover, when i am feeling wronged or upset, i have no smiles or sympathy to offer someone else.

and then, i am reminded by buddha, “Pay no attention to the faults of others, things done or left undone by others. Consider only what by oneself is done or left undone.” perhaps the key really is to focus more on myself, rather than others. perhaps i would be much happier if i only worked on myself, and just ignored all the (perceived) slights and faults of others. this is also not easy, but at least it is something concrete i can work towards. whereas if i were concentrating on how mean x was to me, i wouldn't know how to change x's behaviour.. as thoreau said, 'it is not what you look at, but what you see'.