Eid 2020

Not only did Ramadan fly by, but it has been six days since Eid. Even with the coronavirus and the lockdown, time continues chugging along. 

Ramadan this year was special. We were home-bound, together with my parents. I haven't spent an entire Ramadan with them since I moved to India, so it was lovely. And the twins, amazingly, fasted for all 30 days, of their own accord, and with minimal fuss. I was amazed, and so proud. Alhumdolillah!

While I missed praying in the masjid, I was happy to not iron a single piece of clothing the entire month, as well as forego the stress of getting out of the house and reaching the masjid on time, finding parking, as well as jagah (space) to pray and eat! (On the other hand, I have to admit that feeding seven people at home while keeping the house clean was a significant challenge that weighed heavily initially!)

The month taught me that anything is possible, there are learning and growing opportunities everywhere, and that faith and hope make the world go round. 

**
India seems to be opening up and ending the nation wide lockdown, albeit slowly. The next few months will most likely have new challenges and norms; may we face them with all the grace and strength gathered from Ramadan. Eid Mubarak!

Reading in the lockdown

When social distancing first began, and there were indications of a lockdown happening, I could not read. I had a few book samples on my Kindle, but I simply could not focus on any of them, or decide what would be my next purchase. For me, that was not only an indication of how stressed I was, but also another stressor. I then came across an article saying that peace of mind was essential to reading, and that calmed me a little (why do we always need someone else to tell us what we already know? And why does that make us feel more validated?!). Deciding that light, feel good books were the way to go in these crazy times, I started reading Ayesha At Last, by Uzma Jalaluddin. It was nice to read about a Muslim protagonist, who wears hijab and yet is not ultra conservative or a pushover, or any other stereotype. It was a short, cute, read, 3 stars. I then read The Unlikely Adventures of the Shergill Sisters by Balli Kaur Jaswal. Reading Indian authors/authors of Indian descent is always nice, although I do not read so many of them. The Shergill Sisters was a good read, and it brought back fond memories of my high school Sikh friend. The plot was good, the characters were interesting and the prose was good -all in all, 3.5 stars.

I am now reading Yes No Maybe So, which is a cute YA read. Is it strange to be nearing 40, and still enjoying YA fiction? I hope not. The whole age thing confuses me, I have to say. I forever feel that I am stuck at 23. Even though my boys are now 7, I hardly consider myself a practiced mom. In fact, I largely feel that the roles of wife, daughter, mother are ones that I am still learning. 

**
Another good thing to come out of this lockdown was the zoom calls with my high school friends. I hadn’t seen most of them in over 10 years. It was nice to reconnect with these girls, who had once been such an important part of my life. I do hope we manage to stay in touch better now, inshallah.

Similarly, z and I have been meaning to call each other for ever, but the timings never worked. Coronavirus lets us chat more often, with our schedules more home bound now, so for that, alhumdolillah.

laughter is the best medicine

The twins' laughter is music to my soul. I want to bottle it up and just keep listening. The expressions on their faces as they crack up, the hitting their legs and then falling over, clutching their stomachs as they convulse in laughter; oh.my.gosh :)))

We started reading Roald Dahl's The BFG, and the twins are in love. This morning we came across the BFG speaking for the first time, and his poor grammar left them in giggles and smirks. Then we came across 'human beans', 'telly telly bunkum box' and 'radio squeaker', and that was it: the stomach clutching, hitting and rolls on the bed just wouldn't stop. I was cracking up watching them, and just thinking, alhumdolillah. For them, for their innocence and wonder, for their growing up. 

Laughing together is such a great thing. I keep telling H that we don't laugh together as much as we should. Apart from the endorphins that laughing brings, it is such a great feeling to share a joke together, and remember it later :)

Out of sight

While discussing her teenage daughters, an old friend said this: 'I spent the first 10 years of their lives trying hard not to let them out of my sight. I spent the next 10 years trying to stay calm while they were out of my sight.'

I found this funny and poignant, seeing that I currently belong to the 'not let them out of my sight' category.

A few days later, a 22-year-old boy in my masjid died in a car accident. A group of friends were taking the car for a ride. A crazy ride, going at over twice the speed limit. While the rest of them had minor injuries, including the driver, this one boy died on the spot. I cannot begin to understand how his parents will rationalize and deal with this tragedy.

There was a lot of talk about safe driving and how those younger than 25 should not be allowed to drive. Speeding and reckless driving are a huge concern here, largely due to the lack of law enforcement.

To let your child out of your sight, is truly such a scary thing. It requires enormous faith. As the famous quote goes, being a parent 'is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body'. I have yet to let my boys sit in someone else's car without either me or H around. Of course, I know this will very soon have to change. As they get older, I will have to let them go. I will have to trust that they will make safe choices. I found myself wondering how I can ensure that they keep good company.

In the end however, life comes with no guarantees. I can only pray: Inshallah kheir!

self esteem

On the best of days, my self esteem is moderate. Which means that on bad days, it is loooooowwww. I am too old for this surely. I always thought that low self esteem was something I would get over by the time I was married. Huh. Marriage and moving countries took my self esteem to much lower levels than ever before. 

Two things happened in the past two months that really buoyed my self esteem, and I just want to write them down, so I can come back and remember on bad days. (Although, to be honest, simply recalling these events does not help when I am feeling like a complete loser.)

One: When the twins were being examined prior to taking their Juz Amma imtihaan, both examiners were impressed that they had learnt from me, at home. Their indirect praise was truly a balm, as mostly I feel I am a pretty inadequate mom.

Two: On the basis of meeting the twins for the first time, the new madressah moallim asked me if I could help him teach the younger kids. While this totally cracked me up (he would not have asked if he had seen them do their usual masti in the masjid), it also made me feel like I was doing something right. Alhumdolillah.

Today being a bad day, I asked one of the boys if he thought I was smart. Sigh. I want to be a happy, confident person so that I can be a happy, confident parent. Inshallah.

different world

It's a small world. Or so we keep saying. We usually say it, ironically, when big coincidences or crazy connections are found. My world, however, really is very small. It encompasses, mostly, about a quarter of Kandivali, which is one of Mumbai's many many suburbs. My tiny apartment, the masjid, the twins' school and madressah; these make up my world. The people involved, also make up a very homogeneous and small number. Just to emphasize: not one of the people in this tiny world of mine, is non-Indian, or even single. So, small world.

This epiphany came to me when I was discussing feeling like a loser, because the girls that I hang out with in the masjid are all younger than me, and have their stuff together much better than me (most importantly, they cook well, and just seem much better adjusted as moms and adults). The conversation meandered down paths that led me to recall friends who are single, who are not Indian, who do not cook.. Which is when I realized that I was constantly comparing myself to a tiny group of people who grew up with a totally different mind set than I did, in a different culture and a different value system. 

I have spent a good part of my life being different. At school, I was the only one among my friends who enjoyed spending breaks reading in the library. At university, I was the only student from Hong Kong. Later on, I was the only veiled girl, the only practicing Muslim, the only person who reads fiction, and so on. Most of the time, this difference was largely fun, and a tiny bit irksome. Mostly because, my world used to be much larger. There were so many different people around, of all ages, races, and with such varied interests. I fit right in, I was just as cool as everyone else. 

With a much smaller world now, where everyone is the same nationality (this never happened to me in the first 30 years of my life; it's a huge deal), where most people get married in their 20s, have two kids by their 30s, where moms stay home while the kids are young, etc etc, I am floundering. 

I am different. And it is okay. Alhumdolillah for the Internet, which makes it so easy to connect with my friends outside this tiny world of mine.. who remind me that I used to be a part of another group, another culture, another world, where I was comfortable. 

This small world of mine does not make me unhappy; it has the twins and H. It has new friends and new experiences. I just need to stop worrying about not being like everyone else, because I am not. I never will be. I will just be me, and I will blossom.

one year hiatus

It has been nearly a year since I last blogged. Ten months, to be exact (well, give or take a few days). So much has happened in that time, and yet it does not feel like ten months could have past since I last blogged. Of course, I have occasionally gone months without writing, simply because I was too busy living (or so I tell myself; it could just be laziness :P). And yet, I have always tried to come back, largely because I want to record these days with the twins, this phase of life, I want to capture so many moments and memories, and keep them somewhere safe, to revisit later on.

Today's post is inspired by a friend who started blogging again, also after some time off. Going through her last few posts made me question my own lack of writing, of activism, since being in India. It is strange, but since moving here, I have continued my work with a human rights group based in HK, but have not taken much interest in the human rights scene here. Initially I was simply too overwhelmed, but then I slowly became immune.. there is no dearth of abuse and rights violations here.. add corruption and insane bureaucracy, and it is a wonder that anything good could possibly happen. The average middle class person is just trying to get on with their life, preoccupied with their daily concerns regarding their family and work. The majority of Indians seem hardly concerned with matters of policy and change. Or let me rephrase that: they are not concerned enough to either pay attention, or to do anything about it. I think that I, unfortunately, seem to fit into this category. This is very unlike me, the me that I was in HK.. India has corrupted me in many ways it would seem.

On the other hand, I have far less time and mental energy than I did when I was single and childless. Does that take away some of the sting and guilt? Yes, it really does. I will, however, try to participate a little more in community affairs, and model good social responsibility for the twins.

Speaking of less time, I am slightly out of work these days, and thus have more time on my hands than usual. It has been interesting and depressing searching for part time work. It has also made me start to think about different career paths.. teaching is more appealing now than ever before, although without any qualifications, it seems hard..

now we are six

the twins turned six at the end of last month, and they had their first birthday party to celebrate! (earlier we just had small celebrations at home with cake, but this time i couldn't get away with that :P)

i was SOOO stressed out before the party, while the kids were super excited. anyways, it's over now and the kids had fun, so it's all good :) 

  

a week after their party, i found this lovely cute poem by a a milne, while i was looking for something for their poetry recital:           

Now We Are Six

When I was One, I had just begun. 
When I was Two, I was nearly new. 
When I was Three I was hardly me. 
When I was Four, I was not much more. 
When I was Five, I was just alive. 
But now I am Six, I'm as clever as clever, 
So I think I'll be six now for ever and ever.

even though it was too short for their recital, i taught it to them anyway, and they enjoyed it :) 

ah, my babies are six! they understand so much and know so much, and are learning complex things like subtraction and body parts and the solar system. they have also finished memorizing the 30th separah of the quran, alhumdolillah! i am in awe at these tiny humans who live with me :)) and i terribly miss their babyness and babbling and cuddles.

still me

i have just finished reading two lovely books, which makes me so happy. not just that the books were good, but that i was able to read two books in a row, that were just what i wanted to read. in fact, this is probably what makes the experience even sweeter; it is not always easy to find the perfect book to read for a particular moment!

first i read 'the one in a million boy' by monica wood, and i totally wondered why i had never heard of it before, or seen it on any goodreads/amazon recommendation lists! i loved reading about the boy, who is not named throughout the novel, as well as the 104-year-old woman he was helping. it reminded me a lot of britt-marie was here (without backman's humour). these days i find myself enjoying reading about old people.. (enough said).

immediately afterwards i started reading still me by jojo moyes, the third in the louisa clark series. i enjoyed it far more than after you, which i found a little sad and wallowing. me before you is still the best, but perhaps that is simply because it was the introduction of louisa and will, two fascinating characters. aside from the novel itself, i like the name: still me. the themes of immigrants, of not belonging, of always being torn between different homes, identities and cultures, fluctuating between different selves; these are all aspects that i have felt pretty much most of the past decade, in varying degrees. most recently, i have lamented to friends that my kids will never know the me that they knew, the me of cairo, the me of ahrc. for the twins, i am just mumma, which is an identity built recently, and devoid of so much of my past lives..

their response, and louisa's in 'still me', reminds me that i will always be 'me', made up of many different facets. and that i can be whichever me i want!

time in!

several months ago, i was shocked that i hadn't blogged in over a year! i went through all my posts on the twins, and i was so happy that i had some record of their growing up and my parenting journey. i immediately resolved to start posting again, so that i could read and reminisce as they grew older. 

and of course, months passed and i still didn't get around to blogging.

today is a new day however, and hopefully, i will be able to periodically keep up with the posts. there are so many things i want to say, to record, so that i can look them up later, so that the twins will have some notion of their early years.

i am currently reading goodbye, vitamin, which includes diary remnants a dad kept of his daughter growing up, which he shares with her when she is an adult:

Today, while I was trying to teach you to swim, you asked how deep the pool was. When I said four feet, you looked incredulous, and said, Whose feet!

...We'd asked you to be polite, so you said, "No more please, it's horrible thank you."

i want to be able to do that too. (i hope this blog is still around at that time!!) the things the twins say are simply marvelous, and i wish i could record all of them!  

apocalyse and station eleven

station eleven by hilary st john mandel was a very interesting read. mandel's writing is lovely, and i am definitely going to check out more of her books (so glad she has written several other novels!). i haven't read sci-fi and end-of-the-world books since i was a teenager, and station eleven was a good post apocalypse novel in the sense that it didn't focus much on sci-fi elements. having said that, i would have been interested in the book exploring further how the world went from here to there in such a short time. however, the book focuses more on individual characters, most of whom were quite engaging.

i am always struck by how fast technology is evolving, and the book underlined that as well. i have only owned a smartphone for the past six years, and yet, now it seems well nigh impossible to function without one. i went through school, university and a good part of my working life without smartphones, without whatsapp, facebook, google and wikipedia. my kids on the other hand, have yet to hold a camera in their hands; the phone is their camera, encyclopedia, radio and communication device all in one.

some days ago, feeling nostalgic, i took out my uni photo album and was looking through the pictures. i had to laugh at how itchy my fingers were to 'enlarge' everyone's faces :P

an ordinary life

Some days ago, I was thinking of book recommendations for my 16 year old niece.. I tried to remember what I was reading at her age, and although I came up with jane austen, nancy drew, little women, I am sure that I read much of this earlier. No one suggested stuff for me to read at that time, I just went into the school library and browsed for stuff.. and usually found lots of things to interest me. My niece does not have this option in India (libraries here are very different to what one would expect. Sigh). 

At the same time, I think everyone has their own book journey. Like people, I think that books come into your life at a time you need them.. for this reason, the books that I recommend may not appeal to my niece at all. Regardless, I will still insist that she at least try austen, judy blume, john green, paulo coelho.

The trip down memory lane also reminded me of one of the nicest, most meaningful compliments i had gotten: my passion and enthusiasm in discussing books inspired others to read too! I recall thinking that I lived a small, ordinary life, with no great feats. I was no role model material, but it was nice to know that I had inspired one person, at one time, to do something :) 

#microblog mondays

fangirl

I just finished Rainbow Rowell’s Fangirl, in a quick two day stretch. It was lovely! The book was light, but good. The characters and plot just made me want to immerse myself in their world and never get out. The main girl, Cath, she is a writer. And her descriptions of why she writes, how she feels when she is writing, is how I feel when I read! (why oh why doesn't someone want to pay me to read?!!)

Why do I write? Cath tried to come up with a profound answer… 
To be somewhere else… 
To get free of ourselves 

And it was doubly awesome, because I picked up Fangirl after three aborted books. After I finished sacred games by Vikram Chandra, I was totally off my game in knowing what to read. Then I had headaches and dizziness issues, which meant I couldn’t read much anyways. All the light we cannot see by Anthony Doerr is one of the most awesome books ever, a book that I will recommend to everyone, one of those oh-my-god-you-have-to-read-this-at-some-point-in-your-life books. So I thought I would try another one of his novels, amazing grace. But I just could not fathom it at all. The prose, the plot; none of it made sense. Then I tried human traces by Sebastian Faulks, which had been sitting dormant in my kindle for at least a couple of years. I like Faulks’ writing (a week in December and birdsong are my favourite novels of his), but I am not into the subject of human traces –psychiatry. So I gave up after a couple of chapters. Next was zemindar by Valerie Fitzgerald, which all the reviews said was like an m m kaye novel –well, m m kaye was my absolute favourite for a few teenage years, so I thought why not. But I couldn’t get past the first few pages! (I am hoping that if I pick it up again in another frame of mind, I will enjoy it..) Finally, after much upset at not having something great on hand to read, I got fangirl. And it was exactly what I needed. It just sucked me in, whirled me around in its lovely world, and then threw me back out again :) 

I found the whole fanfiction thing interesting. I know it exists, but that is really all I know. I learnt of its existence during the harry potter era.. I found it weird-fascinating-cool that people were so into harry potter that they were writing up stuff themselves and having conventions and whatnot. I love harry potter, and I love discussing the books and movies, but that is really it. I may dream of going to Hogwarts, but no further. I didn’t want to read what other harry potter stuff people were writing –j k rowling’s work was enough for me. So I found cath and her addiction to the fictional characters of simon and baz fascinating. That she would rather write about them, then turn in something original for one of her classes –wow. But most of all, It was nice to be immersed. Why else do I read, if not to get caught up somewhere else? I will happily play host to cath, Reagan, levi and others in my head for the next few days :))

#microblog mondays
 

i have a dream..

Since moving here six years ago, I have not thrown a party for myself (or anyone else for that matter), or even just invited friends over (what friends?!). We have had family over on different occasions, but that is not really the same thing. I want to be able to decide who I invite and what food will be on the menu, and which cutlery will be used and how the sofa should be arranged. 

Every year on our birthday or anniversary, I dream up get togethers that I could theoretically have.. they all remain in my head though! I am the kind of person who is terrified of inviting people over –what if no one comes? What if the food I make is terrible? What if people come but no one talks? And so on.. 

In the midst of planning a joint family celebration for Eid and the twins’ lunar birthday, I find myself really wanting to invite some girls over for my birthday later in the year. And so the past two days I have been obsessing over who to ask and what to cook (limited options available for both!) and how to politely evict the other house occupants :P Inshallah, this time I will be brave and will make the dream real..

#microblog mondays

milestones

My babies are learning to write. For the past two years, I have watched them scribble and color and scribble. On paper, books, walls, doors. Ever since they held their first magic slates in their hands, they have been fascinated by being able to scribble. They learnt to hold a pencil/crayon early on, by themselves. I have spent countless hours drawing pictures for them to marvel over/colour in. And then suddenly, yesterday, A takes out one of his school books, and starts writing 1 in the empty boxes. He finished the page in a matter of minutes, and I only needed to erase two of the boxes for him to redo. I was stunned. When did he learn this? How did he get so responsible? 

Later in the evening I was playing Ruzzle on my phone. M took the phone from me, wanting to ‘play’ as well. And he started sounding out the letters to me. I spent a few frustrating months earlier trying to get them to read out the alphabet, but they never cooperated. Their nursery teacher assured me they knew their letters, so I just let it go. 

Suddenly, I find they know their numbers and letters, they are beginning to write, and they can finally color pictures without going out of the boundaries. Wow! I am thrilled and proud and grateful for all these milestones :))

kinds of smart

Reading this post on different kinds of smart made me laugh. It reminded me of the first time I had to apply for a travel visa.. i was going to Egypt for undergrad, and I nearly went to the embassy without my passport, because never having made my own travel arrangements until then, i didn’t realize the visa application needed to be submitted TOGETHER with my passport :P

That incident raised a lot of laughter, especially from my dad. It was funny, and it did not make me not smart. I lived in Egypt for four years, did a whole lot of other stuff, and I never felt not smart. Until I moved to India. The first time I used an ATM here, I had no idea that I had to remove my card immediately after sliding it in the slot, in order for the machine to function. So I just stood there with my card inside, like I would in HK and all the other countries where I had used ATM machines. The situation did not incite laughter, but just comments on how I did not even know how to use an ATM machine. There were many other such incidents, all of which left me feeling quite low on self esteem. Even today, I think only my twins see me as an authority on anything, and their certainty is great soul balm :)

Alhumdolillah for the twins, and for the small online community (work, friends and family) that keeps me sane and my self esteem topped up!

Speaking of the twins, their smartness and the way their minds work totally fascinates me. My conversation with one of them yesterday-

M: Mumma, are you old? [old right now refers to people the age of his grandma]

Me: Not so old..

M: Will you become old?

Me: Yes, slowly, not right now..

M thinks for a minute, then suddenly gets a little panicked, and says: No, don't become old, if you become old, then who will be my mumma??! 

i love my boys :)

#microblog mondays

ramadan kareem

Ramadan is one of my favourite months, and this year, i am setting a few goals for myself. Just three simple things that I need to work on generally; what better time to start than Ramadan, the month of blessings and mercy.

- I need to be more patient. With my kids, family, myself.  This whatsapp forward made me smile:

‘patience is not about how long you can wait, but how well you behave while waiting’. i can wait awhile, but am usually quite sullen about it! Also, some time ago, the church nearby had its quote as ‘patience is the best prayer’.

-I can be nicer. There are many times when I react too fast, when the moment would be served better by just smiling and remaining silent, by being nice. So, whenever I want to shout, I will try to smile instead :P

-Reading more Quran. I used to be so regular with this, and it is time to get back on track.

Three small things. Inshallah!

#microblog mondays

thank you versus sorry

 

i love this cartoon! i came across it from a comment on a blog post about apologizing too much and found it lovely. a good way to be more positive and to impart some agency to others, instead of taking it all on yourself.

i use 'sorry' a lot, many times as a way to say 'excuse me' or 'if you don't mind'. in many of those instances, using 'thank you' would work just as well, and so i should try it. it would make me more assertive i think, which is sorely needed!

instructions

some things come with instructions. i really like instructions. i read them, and follow, and hey presto, something is working. i like recipes too, although i find that my end result does not always turn out the way it is supposed to/i expected it to.. but i still follow recipes, as i just don't think i could cook anything without a recipe at hand. i follow rules too. (which is quite a handicap living in india, the country where rules are only meant to be broken.)

is is thus very unfortunate that life, twins and relationships don't come along with their own detailed instructions. i know people who barely read through instruction manuals.. some of them just pass the task on to me. others read recipes for some background, and then proceed to create their own culinary wonder, without any hiccups or disasters. yet others seem to breeze through life, just knowing what to do in any given situation, how to deal with a particular set of circumstances.

given the lack of instructions, i read. i read on parenting, on twins, on marriage. i can't help but wonder though, how is it that i am so clueless, while other people are not?? 

#microblog mondays 

the twins' first movie

we took the twins to the cinema to watch jungle book.. so far, i have been adamant about keeping them away from the cinema- in india, it is perfectly normal to bring newborn and older babies to watch movies, usually bollywood flicks. kids here are also generally allowed to watch whatever tv shows adults are watching at home.

our friends were taking their nearly 4-year-olds to watch jungle book, and without doing any research into the movie, we agreed to join them. sigh. my boys were not happy. the first movie that i saw as a kid in the cinema was 'home alone', when i was 9/10. i remember that being a wonderful experience, and i wanted the same for my kids! i didn't think i would wait until the boys were 9 to take them to the cinema, but this was definitely too early. and the movie itself was scary for them, although i am now asked to tell them about mowgli every dinner time!

what was your/your kids' first movie experience like? and what are your tv rules?