the importance of girlfriends

i have read several blog posts and essays about the importance of girlfriends in a woman's life, but this one made me cry. probably because of the story of emily and her husband joe. and the line, 'how many women had friends who could write their husband's obituary?'

the article also noted that 'having great friends is largely a matter of being a great friend'. true. i am failing there methinks. i used to be a good friend. but now, my friends are too far away for me to do anything for them. and i am too tired and bogged down in my small little world. (which leads me to wonder upon the reason i have not been able to make a lot of new friends here..)

sigh. i have awesome friends around the world though, for which i am very very thankful. that they are not right here, totally sucks. but i am still glad they are there. that at one point in time, we were together.

#microblog mondays

an all women police station and a cafe run by acid attack survivors

these two stories that i came across yesterday made me smile, and feel tiny sparks of hope regarding the situation of women in india. first, this post regarding a women's only police station in haryana. and second, the story of 'sheroes hangout', a cafe in agra run and staffed by acid attack survivors.

having more women police officers can only be a good thing, although it will take much more than one women's only police station to balance out the current police force that has only some 5 percent women officers. i am now interested in knowing how the 400 or so women only police stations in the country are faring, and how much difference they make in reporting, punishing and preventing crime against women.

if sheroes was in mumbai, i would totally go and hangout there, to support these women, and create awareness regarding the atrocious crime of acid attacks. more power to them, and all women out there, struggling against the odds!

'boys don't cry'

i was so happy to see this new #vogueempower ad on indian tv the other day, about changing the way boys are raised, in order to eliminate domestic violence. the ad goes through many situations in a young boy's life, where he is consistently told that 'boys don't cry'. it ends with him as a young man, trying to control his emotions while twisting his female partner's arm. 

the ad is a refreshing change for indian society. i have two boys, and i will admit that i am terrified of them growing up in this patriarchal society, where they are already being told that they shouldn't cry or freak out 'like girls', or shouldn't dress like girls or play with 'girly' toys. this is a society where violence against women is always prevalent, both physical and emotional. where swear words/phrases are largely gender discriminatory. where the phrase 'be a man' has overt sexual innuendo involved.

the ad also recalled another awesome video by always, on doing things 'like a girl'. that video is one we should all watch. seeing those little girls run, throw and punch made me feel so proud and sad at the same time. they were not doing these things 'like a girl', i,e. badly. they had so much confidence. and yet, this taunt will at some point come to haunt them.  the message at the end is simple: 

I mean, yes, I kick like a girl, and I swim like a girl, and I walk like a girl, and I wake up in the morning like a girl because I am a girl. And that is not something that I should be ashamed of, so I'm going to do it, anyway.

i am glad that these videos exist, that some are even indian made, and i hope that by the time my boys are old enough to understand these films, the gender balance will have evened out more..

#microblogmondays

reclaiming the hijab and femininity

"my femininity is not for public consumption"

this is such a gorgeous line, from this article on women reclaiming the hijab to counter patriarchy and fundamentalism.

if i had been so articulate at 18, this is what i would have said to all those who questioned whywhywhy. it is so so liberating to not be seen by what you wear, your figure, your hairstyle. yes, at first, i felt like i was suddenly this asexual being, and many many guys (and girls) would simply shy away from me, or would treat me as they would an older, married lady. this was okay though, as i got my bearing as a freshman in university, in a different country, a different planet perhaps. 

being 'me' suddenly had so many more facets, such as what i studied, where in cairo i lived, who my room/flat mates were, what i read, which city i had come from. i am not saying that these facets are not there to people who are not veiled. i just felt that they came much easier now that my femininity was out of the equation.

today, some 20 years later, i am totally 'me', and my femininity is definitely not for public consumption :)

#microblog mondays

words, reflection, humanity

i love words. the written word is my manna. word play, word games, reading, writing are all my idea of fun, of intimacy, of creativity, style and just pure bliss. words are sacred.

so i am careful with my words. words are not just outside, but they come from within. they reflect your thoughts, your perspective, your very essence. i say what i mean, and i cannot abide those who don’t. those who gossip about others behind their backs, but then say nice things to their face. those who spill vitriol in anger, and then pretend that those were just words, just emotions spilling in the heat of the moment. sorry, i will take every evil thing you said in anger to heart. swearing, abusive language -i just don’t get it.

i read an article today, on the racist and sexist behaviour of indian youth delegates to china, which reminded me of another depressing article on swearing and rape in delhi. since being in india, i have heard more swearing and abusive language than all the years i lived in hk. ‘motherfucker’, ‘he was too busy fucking his mom/sister’ is all too common, and it particularly irks me.

what does this say about your perspective, your views on women, on your fellow men?

(it’s interesting how many hindi expletives are related to female genitalia. does this apply to other languages too?)

**
india is a place where so little value is placed on human life. there is so much pomp and ceremony, so many rituals to suggest otherwise, but in fact, humanity is not valued. on one hand, the number of people falling prey to extrajudicial killings, torture and completely unnessecary accidents are ridiculous. this is all just routine however. on the other hand, all individuals, all relationships are seen as a stepping stone to something better. the patriarchal, nepotic and corrupt nature of society means that wealth and/or influence are necessary to get things done. everything is weighed, no good deed is done for the sake of a good deed. being good, kind, tolerant and fair are seen as weak traits. aggression and rule bending are rewarded.

**
it is also a place where the ‘other’ is so truly hated and defiled. within the country, there are so many castes, classes, subcultures. and there is so much enmity amongst them. caste discrimination is alive and well, regardless of what the country's constitution may state. there are residential buildings of a particular ethnicity that deny outside tenants. jokes are rife regarding various groups of people.

motherhood and parental love

the moment i became a mother, was when i understood parental love. when my mom stayed up with me to rock my unconsolable twins, when she woke up at odd hours to feed me various nourishing concoctions, when she shared with me her experience with her first born; that was when i appreciated and truly felt her presence as a mother. she was my anchor in the sea of nursing, wailing, pain and exhaustion that i was buffeted by in the early weeks. she told me that her mother did the same for her children, and now she was doing the same for mine.. the circles of motherhood hence continue..

when my dad came and bolstered my courage, when he told me that i was given two blessings that i now had to do shukr for by bringing them up in the best way possible, i again felt blanketed in parental love. it is like a security blanket, one that will never let you fall. no matter what, no matter my tantrums, my idiosyncracies, my antisocial behaviour, i KNOW that my parents will always love me, they will always be on my side, that i will always find a refuge in their presence.

sure, i might have known all this before, but being a parent myself changes the perception. i know it more deeply now, i can feel it in my very essence, because i feel the same way about my babies. i imagine my love for the twins will only grow, and so the love my parents must feel for me is ten fold.

my pregnancy was not easy, and it took quite an emotional toll on me. giving birth had its own issues, and by the time i was ready to come home from the hospital i was in sore need of not just some TLC, but bucketfuls of unconditional love. i was panicky, mildly depressed and in constant tears. i was terrified of the responsibility of taking care of two tiny babies who never -so it seemed- stopped crying. in fact, i have to admit that the early days of mothering were not at all like the golden moments people describe, and i am very thankful to those who shared their own un-golden experiences.

i started reading momma zen by karen miller a month later, and that helped a lot too.

baraka described the process of becoming a mother wonderfully, capturing all the angst and joy it entails:

Every mother has two birthing tales:

One, that of giving birth to her child, is shared. The other, of giving birth to herself, of becoming a mother and all the ways that smashes into and fractures everything else she is, of being broken open and made anew, is one that takes a lifetime to understand.

this is the first of what i hope will be many posts on motherhood and parenting. i look forward to this lifetime journey with my twin boys :)

women and obama

i loved reading bits of president obama’s speech at the 18th Annual National Issues Conference held by the Democratic National Committee’s Women’s Leadership Forum. mel has a nice post on it, describing the ‘strides the Obama Administration has made on behalf of women’: 

"The Affordable Care Act has brought health care services to 45 million women. He signed into law the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Restoration Act ensuring women receive equal pay for equal work. He has forced employers to create space and time in the workplace for expressing breast milk for breastfeeding mothers. And he didn’t just recognize women as part of a campaign slogan — he appointed eight women to cabinet-rank positions, appointed a woman to be third in command of the country, and nominated two women to the Supreme Court (a branch of government which has only had four women total in its 220 year history)."

my fav quotes: 

And as long as I’m President, we are going to keep moving forward. You can count on that. You don’t have to take my word on it – you’ve got my signature on it. Because something like standing up for the principle of equal pay for equal work isn’t something I’m going to have to “get back to you on” – it’s the first law I signed. 

---

Women are not an interest group. Women shouldn’t be treated that way. Women are half this country and half of its work force. You’re 80% of my household if you count my mother-in-law… and I always count my mother-in-law. 

POWERFUL stuff. so nice to hear a politician, a president say that. as mel said, 

"And in saying this, pointed out how there are no such things as “women’s issues” because what affects women affects many other people. If we don’t earn enough money, we’re not spending it in stores, and therefore, equal pay is an economic issue, especially for businesses. If we have discrepancies in health care coverage, it affects the people who depend on us, becoming a family issue."

india, and so many other countries, have a looongg way to go..

international women's day

while march 8 is meant to be a celebration of women, their potential and their achievements, 100 years after the day was first celebrated, there is much to still be done. women in too many places still live lives of fear, poverty, inequality and repression:

pakistani teenager uzma ayub seeks justice for being gang-raped in captivity for a year

the situation faced by women in bangladesh, burma, india, indonesia, nepal, pakistan and sri lanka

international women’s day history and events

on a more positive note, i’m also posting links to two books: i speak for myself: american women on being muslim and love inshallah: the secret love lives of american muslim women. i came across a cheerful interview with nura maznavi, one of love inshallah’s editors, prompting me to celebrate the achievements of these women, and hope that others are given the opportunity to follow.

india: rape and clothing

when i first read of andhra pradesh deputy general of police’s comments regarding women’s clothing being an invitation to rape, i was disgusted, but not particularly surprised. the comments responding to the times of india article perhaps surprised me more -who were all these people agreeing with reddy’s comments, and which planet do they come from?

logic is clearly beyond such people, and there is no point in telling them that studies have found that rape has nothing to do with clothing or desire, but is all about control and violence. rapists do not rape women because they are wearing ‘provocative’ clothing that ‘tempts’ them, but because they are sick and need to prove some kind of control over them.

there is similarly no point in asking them to explain why young children, elderly women or women wearing burkas are being raped in india, or how the culture of rural women wearing saris without blouses is more ‘modest’ and ‘appropriate’ than other types of clothing.

i was heartened today however, when i read a kick-ass article by an indian male on the issue, and i had to share it. it is SO worth a read. if only more indian men thought this way.

connections

i’m currently reading i speak for myself: american women on being muslim. while enjoying the essays (which i’ll blog about later), i’m enjoying discussing my thoughts on them with a good friend via email even more. her last email made me grin and grin and grin (yes, i’m still grinning!). it is so wonderful to share something with someone, especially something close to your heart, something that interests you, that you are vested in. and to have feedback regarding that, to know that someone else is listening to you, is sharing your perspective, to connect with someone regarding that.. well, it just made me feel like this is why we are friends, why the world was so aligned..

and it brought to mind some awesome words by mel:

At the same time, it is our relationships that make the difference in this world, that heat this cold world. We notice those moments that people leave their bubble to enter our own because those moments are what makes the difference between people feeling supported and people feeling alone.

Humans are not meant to be alone.

Think about the emails you’ve saved because someone said something that meant the world for you to hear. Or the times when we’ve gushed about how someone took the time to converse with us or read our blog. We have such gratitude for human interactions — even the small ones.

read her entire post, it’s SO worth it.

**
i would love to join a book club. to read together, to discuss. hmm, how do i go about that..

being happy AND right?

ever since coming across that women bloggers article (and the subsequent contemplation on women’s lives in general), i’ve been veering between two conflicting realities. i have never been a staunch fan of feminism, but i do believe in equality and non discrimination based on sex/gender.

in my current world, feminism seems to pose a huge obstacle to the notion of changing yourself in order to change your circumstances. ‘you can either be happy, or you can be right’. feminism tells me to be right, while life/relationship gurus tell me to be happy. dang it, i want to be happy. so how do i bridge the divide? how do you be a strong, independent woman, at home and in the world outside?

**
i read a beautiful essay two days ago, ‘the muslim feminist’ by hebah ahmed in the collection, i speak for myself, which spoke to my conflict. the author’s resolution of the conflict was internal however, and not really spelt out for me to follow.. perhaps this is one area where no amount of intellectual or other reflection can help me however; perhaps this is one of those struggles that i have to go through myself, and work out for myself, with no particular right or wrong..

**
a wise thought from a woman's search for god in the city: one of life’s lessons is to learn not only how to make choices, but also to learn to live with the consequence of these choices

women and blogging

coming across this post on the topics favored by women bloggers in India (parenting, personal life, domesticity, cooking) was interesting, for several different reasons. firstly, I was surprised that there weren’t more women listed for writing about books, travel and current affairs, as I’m sure they’re out there. second, it was interesting to follow the comments regarding what constitutes ‘interesting’ topics, and I was reassured by most commenters noting that rather than women having to further diversify their interests (to ‘keep up’ with men), perhaps men should be encouraged to write more about parenting and domesticity. thirdly, it made me reflect upon the various blogs I read and their topics. a quick breakdown:

parenting: 3 women
Writing, books: 3 women, 2 group
Religion, spirituality: 1 woman, 4 men, 2 group
Life reflections: 11 women, 3 men
Poetry: 1 woman, 1 man
Travel: 1 woman
Current affairs: 3 men

while it is relatively easy to categorize the blogs in terms of gender, it was far more difficult to categorize them into various topics. not only do all the blogs fall into more than one category, but the categories themselves overlap: spirituality and life reflections for instance, or writing and travel. furthermore, how do I decide what is current affairs? should it be limited to the current debate on india’s poverty line, or is the southwest airlines’ policy on same sex kissing and its effects on a little girl included too? what about this and this ('this week'); are they current affairs, life reflections or parenting?

the majority of the blogs I read are not by Indian authors. (I have in fact been trying to increase my intake of Indian blogs, without success to date. recommendations are always welcome!) the three that I do read are on current affairs and politics, writing and life, and travel and life. two by women and one by a man. I read more blogs by women than men –this is something I only realized now, after this exercise. I read what interests me, what speaks to me, what makes me feel good. in other words, blogs about writing, faith, books, life, community, current affairs. and yes, I also read blogs written by people who interest me, who I care about.

fourth, a quick google search on the topic of women bloggers brought up an interesting book (that I hope to read someday), which indicated that while women bloggers are perhaps doing better in the west than in India, the same issues/stereotypes continue to plague them, albeit at a different level. some quote-worthy paras:

In an effort to counteract invisibility, many female bloggers have created gendered blog spaces on the Internet to support, promote and highlight each other’s work… Women bloggers use these blog spaces to identify good female blog content that is not being picked up in the popular or top lists…

Though women bloggers are often accused of avoiding political discussion, an analysis of blog postings… shows this assumption is erroneous. Quite the opposite, female bloggers shine a light on many neglected issues in the public sphere that relate to feminist politics… Much of the alternative news that is created in these networks addresses topics that are either routinely ignored by mass media news reports, or buried in such newspaper sections as the lifestyles or features.

I also came across the following article on Indian women bloggers, which noted that the advent of blogging in languages other than english gave more diverse women an opportunity for articulation than before. as a result,

In the Hindi, Tamil, Telugu, Marathi and Bengali blogospheres, the rise of female bloggers has been sharp in the past two or three years, especially in small-town and rural India. They discuss the joys and trials of more intimate but often more conservative communities, and the challenges of life within the extended family. Politics comes up, but with a focus on local issues usually missing from English-language discussions.

English-language female bloggers have tended to write about city life, dating and relationships, and workplace issues. The women who are coming online now from the small towns may have more circumscribed lives — fewer opportunities for work outside the home, a greater emphasis on marriage — but blog with confidence and self-awareness about changing social mores and their growing economic aspirations.

And whereas the women who dominate the English-language blogosphere tend to be urbanites in their teens and 20s, the Bengali, Hindi and Tamil blogs seem to have engaged the attention of older women.

so, to end, go women bloggers! anyone who thinks women blog about 'boring' or 'typical' topics simply needs to read more female blogs. on the other hand, if finance, IT and mainstream politics are their narrow world of 'interest', then their definition of boring needs to checked!

india's missing gender

there have been several media reports within the past week or so regarding the rise of aborting girl foetuses and the resultant shortage of girls in indian society. this is an old, old story, but here are some new (for me at any rate) arguments/facts mentioned:

-the increasing abortion of second girl children amongst india's rich and educated does not mean their higher preference for boy children, but rather indicates their greater access to sex selection, abortion and their ability to evade the law. [or both perhaps?]

-caste continues to perpetuate dowry because the system restricts the supply of marriage partners, as a result of which, efficient matching of individuals doesn’t occur. caste thus acts as "a barrier in the free market of marriage. Then dowry becomes a method to bid for mates, signal social status and perpetuate an arms race to reach the top of the pecking order. Free enterprise has unshackled the economy, but the beneficiaries are operating in a restricted marriage market, limited by caste. They just demand higher dowries now."

-to counteract all this, laws can be used more creatively: tax breaks for mixed-caste marriages, grants for having girl children, government benefits for gender neutral employers [yes!]

UNJUST, the documentary

There was silence at the end of the documentary. Silence. Sometime later, Basil noted that it was like “a very long poem”. Indeed. It reminded me of the following verse by Walt Whitman:

Love the earth and sun and animals,
Despise riches, give alms to everyone that asks,
Stand up for the stupid and crazy,
Devote your income and labor to others…
And your very flesh shall be a great poem.

UNJUST was a beautiful production; from the stories, to the music, to the cinematography, to the heart behind it. This beauty does not take away the desolation, the crimes or the state indifference. Despite all this, it is beautiful. Perhaps this is due to the three women it documents, who remain strong and committed to their struggles against heavy odds. Perhaps it is due to the women involved in producing the documentary; first timers, but just as committed and compassionate. Perhaps it is due to the many people who walked together with the women in their struggle.

For me, the film mirrored a personal journey. It reminded me of all the people involved in these cases, all the discussions, meetings, protests we held, all the letters, petitions and reports we wrote, all the coffee we drank, prayers we shared. Through these cases I learnt of solidarity, witness intimidation, extrajudicial killings, disappearance, witness protection, court observation. Meeting these women taught me how energy and emotion can be channeled into a fight for justice, how despair and anger can be turned to determination and hope.

Like any story told after an event, the film captured so much more than I could see while walking that path. For that, I am ever thankful.

Moments I cannot forget:

Angkhana: “My husband fought for the rights of others. If his family cannot fight for him, I think that would be very sad.”

Padma: “I would ask my husband’s killers, why didn’t you kill us all?”

Thank you, Josefina.

WISE

wise is the 'women's international shared experience project', enabling women from asian countries to use video, internet and other forms of communication technology to empower themselves and advocate for their rights.

the project is taking off in pakistan right now, where a group of women are making their first film on domestic violence. their stories and enthusiasm are humbling and heartwarming!

happy mother's day

to all those moms out there, happy (belated) mother's day :) i am still bemused by the fact that so many of my friends are now mothers!! i hope you were all spoilt and surrounded by love.

for a pretty detailed history of the origins of mother's day, as well as the variations of the celebration in different countries, click here.

i liked the title and spirit of the article, 'Celebrate: Save a mother' and wanted to share:

"Happy Mother’s Day! And let me be clear: I’m in favor of flowers, lavish brunches, and every other token of gratitude for mothers and other goddesses.

And because so many people feel that way, some $14 billion will be spent in the United States for Mother’s Day this year...

To put that sum in context, it’s enough to pay for a primary school education for all 60 million girls around the world who aren’t attending school. That would pretty much end female illiteracy.

These numbers are fuzzy and uncertain, but it appears that there would be enough money left over for programs to reduce deaths in childbirth by about three-quarters, saving perhaps 260,000 women’s lives a year...

So let’s celebrate Mother’s Day with all the flowers and brunches we can muster: no reason to feel guilty about a dollop of hedonism to compensate for 365 days of maternal toil. But let’s also think about moving the apostrophe so that it becomes not just Mother’s Day, honoring a single mother, but Mothers’ Day — an occasion to try to help other mothers around the globe as well."

azar nafisi on tehran elections

al jazeera has a nice interview with azar nafisi, author of 'reading lolita in tehran: a memoir in books'. i enjoyed that book very much, and am looking forward to checking out her new 'things i've been silent about'.

the interview is short but sweet, with several insightful comments by nafisi. her main point was that looking at the platform of the candidates--rather than the number of votes (particularly when chances are the votes were rigged)--tells you a lot about society and politics.

...just as important is the fact that many within the ruling elite in Iran are realizing they cannot rule the society the way they claimed they could. A good example is Mr. Mousavi himself.

In order to win Mousavi had taken up the progressive slogans, which he had previously fought against. I was there at the beginning of the Islamic Revolution when he was the Prime Minister, and implemented many of the repressive measures which he now denounces.

I (like many others) was thrown out of the university that Mousavi helped to shut down as part of the Cultural Revolution.

The fact that Mr. Mousavi or Karoobi choose to talk of freedom and human rights show the degree to which the divisions within the regime are affected by the resistance of the Iranian people. I think these are the important points about the elections and not only who won or who lost...

He didn't just campaign against Ahmadinejad but against the very foundations of the Islamic Republic. The fact that Mr Mousavi risked his political career to take up this position suggests that a sizable number of the population don't want what exists now.

you can read the full interview here. there's also a very nice photograph of nafisi!

teenage rape victim in pakistan humiliated by judge

Court spectators and prosecutors expressed outrage at the behaviour of Additional District and Sessions Judge Nizar Ali Khawaja on 25 March 2009 in Karachi, when he allowed the case of a teenage gang rape victim, Ms Kainat Soomro, to become a spectacle in his courtroom.

While the 15-year-old victim was expecting an in-camera trial in the judge's private chambers, she was instead asked by the judge to describe and even demonstrate her rape, in detail, in front of her alleged attackers. Furthermore, at least 80 spectators were also present in the court room. Although the public prosecutor requested that anyone unrelated to the case be told to leave, the judge sided with the defense counsel, who argued that there were no legal obligations to bar citizens from an open court.

According to journalists and the prosecution, the defense counsel and the judge asked a string of invasive questions regarding the rape, which the teenager, who has had a sheltered, conservative upbringing, struggled with. She was asked when certain items of clothing were removed, exactly what actions were done to her, and when. In a few instances Kainat replied that she couldn't remember and felt out of her senses, having fainted; the judge then harshly berated her. Witnesses noted that he appeared to enjoy the invasive nature of the questions and Kainat’s humiliation.

what a pathetic excuse of a human being, not to mention judge. you can read more here and here.

lost girl power

this article, 'girl power at school but not at the office', by hannah seligson resonated powerfully with me, particularly the parts about the workplace not being a meritocracy and the necessity of having to ask for what you want, without being sensitive to people saying 'no'.

When I was in college, the female students excelled academically, sometimes running laps around their male counterparts. Women easily ascended to school leadership positions and prestigious internships. In my graduating class (more than half of which was female) there was a feeling of camaraderie, a sense that we were helping each other succeed.

indeed. succeeding at university was easy, and largely, girls did better than boys. and yet, even there, i remember having a conversation with one professor about how even though his best students were girls, they were the ones who found it the hardest in the workforce.

as for myself, i totally expected the environment at work to be similar to that of university: the same equality, opportunity and fairness.

...a larger issue that women, coming directly out of the colleges that nurtured and rewarded them and gave them every advantage, may have trouble grasping. For me, it was crystallized in a comment made to me by Myra Hart, a retired senior faculty member at Harvard Business School who studies women as entrepreneurs: “By and large women believe that the workplace is a meritocracy, and it isn’t.”

the other thing is the issue of pay. even after working for five years, i still find asking for a pay rise difficult and distasteful. as seligson says, "Coming into the work force, I thought that, just as my professor had given me the grade I deserved on my political science midterm, my company would pay me what I 'deserved'." this is not of course the case. instead, 'the central tenet of a bigger paycheck is ask and you shall receive'.

and this requires some other qualities seligson mentions: a thick skin, the ability to promote yourself, to stop being a perfectionist, and creating a professional network, all of which are "abilities that men are just more likely to have already".

well, now i know what to work on..