twins september

this was a month of milestones and firsts.. 

both of you walk now! not with a whole lot of balance, but i'm sure you'll get there soon enough. the expressions on your faces are priceless as you totter about. you started the month by walking on your knees, particularly if you were holding something in your hand, which was hilarious. the day m learnt to stand on his own, he kept getting up after falling; it was a wonder to watch. may you always have this much energy, may you always learn to get up after a fall. 

we bought you your first pair of shoes this month, oh so excitedly, and they are so cute, but you are not so enamored of them, and spend more energy trying to kick them off than attempting to walk in them. 

i am so glad that you finally drink milk from the advanced sipper i bought you many months ago, and your bottles have stopped. there are still some bumps but we will get there inshallah.. you have also started drinking water from a straw, yay! i have noticed that with the bottle gone, you wake up less at night, which is manna from heaven to this sleep deprived mom!! i just hope and pray this continues, inshallah!! on the other hand, cleaning your bottles was MUCH easier than cleaning your sipper valves, argh. 

i am amazed how for some days you don’t know how to do something, and then suddenly you have figured it out. like getting down from the bed, playing with certain toys etc. your capacity to observe and learn and your persistence is inspiring. 

a started the month with vocab consisting of bum tum ba, mum ba, mum tum -as he insistently chanted this, he sounds like some passionate hindu ascetic! he also loves to say ‘baa baa’, occasionally followed by a mumbled ‘bla shee’, as well as ‘juuuulaaaa’ (swing). 

although you eat a greater variety of food now (roti, meat, cereal, pasta) feeding you is becoming more painful and time consuming, as you absolutely refuse to sit in one place during meal times. you are finally getting the hang of putting bits of food in your mouth with your own hands, yay. you have also made the switch from formula to cow milk, albeit with some bumps. you won't drink it without some flavour, which i was not keen on initially, but hey, there are worse things i guess.. 

you had your first feel of grass this month, and initially both of you refused to put your hands on it, because of the prickliness i guess. you began moving around on your knees, with your arms held out to your sides, it was hilarious. m got used to it quickly, and was suddenly crawling off on his own, and then standing up and trying to walk, without a care as to where we were! 

we hung up a swing at home at the beginning of this month, and it is nice to see you both enjoying it, albeit for short periods of time. it occasionally puts you to sleep as well, which is always a bonus. 

ten years

it is 10 years since i graduated from university in cairo. it is 10 years since i started working with the ahrc, since i met ksa, nc and a few others. i suddenly just realized this a few hours ago, and since then i feel a little numb, a little bemused.

my immediate thoughts were gosh, where did the time go? and, what have i done with myself in these 10 years??

i remember celebrating my first post-cairo birthday, my first ahrc birthday, with two good friends. all three of us were young, we shared our dreams and visions and aspirations.. most of them related to changing the world and achieving vague milestones.

“Fate is unmoved by one's pitiful hopes; what changes, bowing to fate, is what one hopes for.”  

this quote perhaps, is what best describes the last 10 years. the world is no different now, then when i graduated and thought i could make a difference. me, i am very different to that young lady.. 10 years from now, what will i be like? what will my world be like?

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the people who make spill proof cups, do they ever try cleaning them?? jeez. the nuby valves are so darn hard to clean. if anyone has tips, please share.

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i finally finished stieg larsson's millennium series, which was awesome. the last book, the girl who kicked the hornet's nest, wow! :)

life's learning curves

the twins are a year old. which means i am a year old mom.. that actually doesn't sound half bad. what i mean is, as a first year mom, i'm not doing too bad; in the same way that expectations of a first year undergrad are not all that high..

the thing is, and i've said this several times, expectations from mothers seem to equal that of saints. and i am no saint. not even close. most of the time i have no idea what i am doing. does it get easier? more importantly, does it get better in terms of knowing what to do? as i figure out how to deal with one thing, the twins move on to something else, so i am back at square one. i find this quite tiring.. i don't want to always feel like i am running on a treadmill that is way too fast for me..

i also wonder how other parents seem to know what to do.. i have had so many people tell me that i am not 'training' the twins rights, which will make my life easier apparently. but no one tells me HOW to go about this 'training'.. and how did they know about it in the first place? is there an instruction manual that i am not privy to? seriously, this whole parenting journey has just been me groping my way in the dark. in fact, the marriage journey is like that too.. forget statistics and physics, THIS is what they should be teaching in those extra classes that you are required to take at university. suddenly i feel that my learning curves are way too steep..

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the twins tire me. some days, i am so glad that i can shut the bedroom door and escape into the online world with my laptop. if i wasn't working, wasn't using my brain to write and edit human rights material, i would go insane. work gives me space and time away from the twins.. it also allows me to read blogs, and just catch up on email.

of course, at other times i resent the time away from them, from their babbling and learning of new things, from their smiles and cuddles.

some days i don't have the energy to cook meals for them.. so i give them oatmeal and cerelac (instant baby cereal). there are even days when i don't bathe them. sometimes i am too tired to remove the phone/charger/some other unsafe object from their mouths for the 20th time. how bad a parent does this make me?

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i have this insane fear regarding how i will raise the twins to be responsible, self sufficient and polite individuals. the fact that a continues to repeatedly wake up at night for milk, that neither of them will eat anything using their hands or hold their sippy cups makes me worry even more. i wonder what i am doing wrong..at present, me saying 'no' to them makes them laugh and want to do whatever mischief they are up to even more.

how much control do we truly have over our children's dispositions and character traits? i have seen awesome individuals who just lucked out with their kids' attitudes and tendencies.. were they just not as awesome parents? and if so, WHERE is the parenting manual??

i have had other people tell me that i shouldn't worry, all i have to do is make the twins feel loved and raise them to be good, kind people. um, again, i hate to sound repetitive (and whiny too methinks), but how?

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parenting is hard. and i hear it gets harder when they start talking, having their own opinions, going to school. i don't deny the rewards and satisfaction, but this post is not about that.. i have read articles and posts that say yes, it is hard, but that simply means you are doing it right. really? because mostly i am not at all sure i am doing it right. i am usually too busy and involved to ponder it much, but there are moments when i am panic stricken, and wonder what on earth i am doing, how i could possibly think that i am qualified to take care of these tiny beings. there is no measurement, no markers, nothing to help me see how i'm doing or where to improve.. i want a syllabus, some practice tests, marking guidelines...

reading, authors, blogs

i finished reading measure of love last night, by blogger melissa ford, pretty much on the heels of her first novel, life from scratch. i read measure of love in chunks (chunks in the sense that i have demanding twins who never let me keep my kindle in my hands..), oftentimes in the middle of the night after waking up to soothe one or other of the boys. it felt good to READ, to want to finish and know what happens to these characters.. seriously, i cannot wait until the time that the twins let me sit with my kindle in peace. it'll come soon, right??

i enjoyed both novels, but definitely liked measure of love more. why? oh, for many reasons.. because i knew the characters better now, so it was more in depth, which is always better than the surface level of introductions.. because it focused more on blogging, communication and relationships, all of which i can identify with.. because i loved some of the new characters brought in..

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another cool thing about reading these two novels was that i know the author.. ok, i don't "know" mel, but i read her blog, so i know more about her than i do many of my favorite authors (is that weird? i actually am not one of those people who feels the need to know a whole lot about the lives of my favorite authors/actors/singers etc. i am more interested in their fiction than their reality..). i read life from scratch because i liked melissa's blog posts, and the book synopsis sounded cool.. i read measure of love because i needed to know what happened to rachel and adam..

if haruki murakami or david mitchell had blogs, would i read them? i guess it depends on what they wrote about.. there were similar themes in measure of love, regarding readers of blogs, and why they read, and what happens if you change what you write about..

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the coolness of reading novels by someone i know is akin to growing with harry potter.. i hope that there is some awesome series that the twins get to grow with too..

twins august: one year!

the twins are one. oh my! a year ago, they were still in my tummy. i went to the hospital, my heart in my mouth the entire time. unlike other countries and hospitals, H was not allowed into the labor room, so i was on my own. i will never forget the moment the doc held up a tiny, grey mass to show me.. and then another. 

when i look at their newborn pics, i can hardly believe how tiny they were, how much they’ve grown. not just in size, but also in personality! from two helpless babes, totally dependent on me, they are now little boys with loud babbles and big attitudes! they can suddenly open doors and drawers, they eat a wide variety of foods, know the difference between real and fake phones, climb on to the bed and sofa, and so much more. 

when did all this happen? suddenly, they learn something new everyday, and i can barely keep up. ‘the days are long, but the years are short’. oh, SO SO true. each day of this year has been long, and the nights even longer. and yet, without me noticing, somehow it has already been twelve months! 

with the twins, i have grown too. i have more patience than i thought possible. (it is still not enough, but that’s a different story.) my priorities have changed. i have started cooking! i appreciate my mom (and my dad) so much more. 

i am ecstatic that they are growing, it is so wonderful to watch them learn new things (yesterday a learnt to throw a ball. he now thinks every single object in his hand is to be thrown. repeatedly.), take more steps towards independent walking.. and yet, i cry when i see their newborn pics, when i have to fold away clothes too small for them, when they crawl away from me to examine some new wonder. this is how everyone’s parenting journey goes, i know, but it does not make it any easier, or make my anguish any less poignant.

happy birthday my beautiful boys. may you always be in wonderment at the world around you.

words, reflection, humanity

i love words. the written word is my manna. word play, word games, reading, writing are all my idea of fun, of intimacy, of creativity, style and just pure bliss. words are sacred.

so i am careful with my words. words are not just outside, but they come from within. they reflect your thoughts, your perspective, your very essence. i say what i mean, and i cannot abide those who don’t. those who gossip about others behind their backs, but then say nice things to their face. those who spill vitriol in anger, and then pretend that those were just words, just emotions spilling in the heat of the moment. sorry, i will take every evil thing you said in anger to heart. swearing, abusive language -i just don’t get it.

i read an article today, on the racist and sexist behaviour of indian youth delegates to china, which reminded me of another depressing article on swearing and rape in delhi. since being in india, i have heard more swearing and abusive language than all the years i lived in hk. ‘motherfucker’, ‘he was too busy fucking his mom/sister’ is all too common, and it particularly irks me.

what does this say about your perspective, your views on women, on your fellow men?

(it’s interesting how many hindi expletives are related to female genitalia. does this apply to other languages too?)

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india is a place where so little value is placed on human life. there is so much pomp and ceremony, so many rituals to suggest otherwise, but in fact, humanity is not valued. on one hand, the number of people falling prey to extrajudicial killings, torture and completely unnessecary accidents are ridiculous. this is all just routine however. on the other hand, all individuals, all relationships are seen as a stepping stone to something better. the patriarchal, nepotic and corrupt nature of society means that wealth and/or influence are necessary to get things done. everything is weighed, no good deed is done for the sake of a good deed. being good, kind, tolerant and fair are seen as weak traits. aggression and rule bending are rewarded.

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it is also a place where the ‘other’ is so truly hated and defiled. within the country, there are so many castes, classes, subcultures. and there is so much enmity amongst them. caste discrimination is alive and well, regardless of what the country's constitution may state. there are residential buildings of a particular ethnicity that deny outside tenants. jokes are rife regarding various groups of people.

communication

i just finished life from scratch, by melissa ford. it's a fun, light read. i was struck realizing that the protagonist rachel, and her husband adam, divorced from a lack of communication. the moment when rachel realizes that adam never wanted to be a lawyer, the moment when he is told that she only suggested vacations so they would spend time together, not because of any particular lifestyle choice.. those are the moments that have been replaying themselves in my head. how does one stay with a person for several years, and not know that they are unhappy in their career?

another moment that keeps nudging me, is when rachel admits that she never actually told adam what she wanted; she made references, indirect comments, but she never came right out and said it. how many of us are guilty of this? i certainly am.

in fact, i know i find it quite difficult to directly ask for what i want. i have been spoiled by awesome girlfriends who can read me so well, that i rarely have to spell out anything. i am generally shy at articulating feelings and needs that i deem quite private (or that i feel may make me seem needy/wanting/weak), plus, having to ask for anything makes me quite uncomfortable... and if i manage to ask once, i could never stoop to ask another time!

however i resolve this, rachel and adam brought home how easy it is to totally misread stuff, to miss huge stuff right in front of us.. honest, direct communication is oh so important..