let's NOT be friends

friendship can be complicated. when you add time and distance to it, it becomes more so.

i am tired of being taken for granted. i am tired of friends not being there when i reach out. i am tired of pretending it is okay; of telling myself that their ideas of friendship are different, but they still care. i want tangible expression of this caring. i want it NOW, not at some distant point in time.

then there are those who i let go of a long time ago. and yet, their continued presence in my life makes it hard to truly let go. the history between us is always there, sneaking its way into random comments, bringing back forgotten memories.

i have no solution to this angst. to be friends, or not to be? both options are fraught with their own complications. i have chosen both at different times, and neither have been satisfying.

anyhow, i feel calmer now, after transferring some of my angst into words and writing them down. (is it a blessing or misfortune that those i am speaking of will most likely never read these words?)

mediums of expression

i had another go at grading assignments the other day, which included blog entries. the students had to write a blog for the duration of their internships, under the information management program. i was a tiny bit envious that these students, who spend much of their time on all manner of technical things that i cannot even name, were given the opportunity to use a different medium to express their thoughts.

my ONLY medium of expression is the written word. i wish i could draw, cook or build something as a way of expression. i feel like part of my brain is slowly wilting, without this other means of communication/creation. this could be related to the fact that for the past month, even writing (non work related) has not been all that appealing. suddenly, the journey of words from my head to the screen is too tedious, requires too much effort.

it may be time to start looking for art classes.. suggestions would be very welcome!