ten years of wearing rida full time. if i had ever thought about what that would mean, surely it would have included feeling an overwhelming sense of peace, a keener sense of faith, of belonging.
and yet I feel none of those things right now. (and whatever embarrassment i would feel at admitting this, is numbed by a strange weariness.)
i recall a conversation i had with someone many years ago (i must have been 19 or so). for her, one of the hardest misaaq oaths was this: that you will not question why koi ne uncha kare, koi ne neecha kare. i looked at her in total surprise (and naivete) and said that was the easiest of oaths.
i want that conviction back.
life is easier, more meaningful when you believe, when there is a point. for so long i took that belief for granted. and now, when i want to believe, I find myself struggling..