last night, i was sadly telling a friend that i felt like a failure because my yoghurt cheesecake did not turn out brilliantly. she replied (among other things), that i should not judge myself by cheesecake recipes. totally rational statement. it is what i would perhaps say to someone else in the same situation. and yet, when it comes to my own life, it is the cheesecake that wins/judges.
i seem to have so few accomplishments these days. anything work related is not seen at home, so it is of no consequence really (except to me, and i don’t count). what matters, is how many yummy meals i can make, how many stains are removed from laundry, how clean and tidy the house is, how chubby and well behaved the kids are.
the one friend i have here, does not know exactly what i do at work, she does not know that i read books (let alone that reading is a lifeline), or that this blog exists. i need to make some changes in my life.. for my own sanity..
4 comments:
You do count. Your work matters. And the fact that you even contemplate making cheesecake yourself makes you a hero to a non-cook like me : )
I can understand that the cheesecake is not just a cheesecake, and being disappointed that a new venture didn't turn out as hoped. And I agree with Jen, you do count.
I think a lot of it comes down to where you draw your self-esteem. I draw my self-esteem in how well I keep the house and parent. So when I forget to put salt in the bread and it tastes awful, it ruins my whole day. Whereas places that I don't reach the bar I set where I don't draw my self-esteem roll off my back. Does that make sense?
thank you jen and jess.
mel, yes, it does make sense.. the problem is that my self esteem these days is so linked to outside factors.. i may not particularly care about keeping house and cooking, but since others do, this weighs on me..
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