kindness and pain

kindness. you would think that this was such a simple, universal concept. in fact, it is not. a big kindness for me may be nothing to you. or vice versa. or a small kindness on your part may rock my world. it all comes down to what someone needs at a particular moment, and what they see as important, courteous and what makes them happy.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m just adding up wrong… if I’m just dealing with people who have a different currency. Whilst I complain that they never bake me stuff, they complain that I don’t hug enough, or whatever. We’re all trying, but using such different methods that the other person never sees the gift.

I too feel that I don’t get enough kindness sometimes (and what a relief to know there are others out there feeling the same), but the above comment (to the linked post) was a nice reminder that perhaps I’m just not looking closely enough. perhaps I’m focusing too much on instant gratification of my immediate needs, without seeing the other little things that could brighten my day.

this is particularly important in relationships –one of the first things I read as a newly wed was advice I try to follow consistently (but falteringly..): ‘love your spouse how they need you to love them, not how you want them to love you’. your acts of kindness and theirs may differ; learn to notice (and appreciate) the difference!

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the above comment inspired me enough to check out a new blog, and the latest post reads thus:

To heal, first and foremost, you have to want to heal. It sounds trite, and more than a little dismissive, as if everyone hurting is doing it on purpose for the attention, or perhaps to annoy. The thing is, some of the time we are doing it on purpose, but usually for a different reason. We carry our grief, our anger, and our resentment for further than is necessary when we haven't yet decided what to do with it. We have, after all, paid dearly for our pain. It's not reasonable to expect us to part with it easily, even though it is ugly and burdensome. Tossing it aside - "letting go" or "moving on" - is not our goal. Instead, we seek a transformation; a suitably valuable exchange.

indeed. how lovely if everyone could find such an exchange, if everyone could transform their anger/hurt into something useful and gratifying.