i find myself standing in awe at the road that lies ahead of me. this is a place i never thought i would arrive at. i cannot say that the reasons no longer matter, but their place is definitely not in this post. or on this road in fact; i would like to leave them behind, bury them and let them dissipate into the earth. i don't want to be burdened with their weight any longer.
i want to be as light and free as a bird, i want to skip and hop my way along this road. i suddenly realize that shedding the weight of that ever present burden, as well as shedding my old life and skin, opens the way to so many new possibilities and experiences. i am excited, nervous, giddy, terrified and humbled all at once. i have no idea how this journey will pan out, but i am sure there will be many twists, turns, highs and lows. i will deal with them as they appear; better yet, WE will deal with them together! for now, i am simply thrilled to be on our way :)
24 October 2010
12 October 2010
cocoon
reading and writing are the two things that (unsurprisingly) are becoming my new anchors in this foreign environment. i am enjoying 'the bastard of istanbul' by elif shafak, which i picked up as a happy coincidence at the second hand bookstore before flying. i had first come across the book early this year when i returned from my three month exile, and while it intrigued me, i ended up choosing a far more down to earth novel. seeing it at the bookstore now, before my new journey, i knew i had to take it with me! (an aside: i don't frequent the second hand bookstore much, but whenever i'm there, i'm always happy with my finds :)
i shall perhaps write a separate post on shafak's novel, but for now i just want to note that the characters and the history engage me, and not only fuel my desire to read more, but to write. this ties in to my increased journalling, as a way to not just record this crazy and momentous time, but also to make sense of things, to feel a semblance of control.
i want to write myself a cocoon, create a world where there are clear distinctions between grey, white and black, where princesses really are rescued by their princes, where the wave of a fairy godmother's wand is enough to ensure glamour and glitter and beauty, where happiness and affection remain unmarked by toil, heat and pressure. surely i can write my way to a new life, complete with the characters and attributes i desire?!
i shall perhaps write a separate post on shafak's novel, but for now i just want to note that the characters and the history engage me, and not only fuel my desire to read more, but to write. this ties in to my increased journalling, as a way to not just record this crazy and momentous time, but also to make sense of things, to feel a semblance of control.
i want to write myself a cocoon, create a world where there are clear distinctions between grey, white and black, where princesses really are rescued by their princes, where the wave of a fairy godmother's wand is enough to ensure glamour and glitter and beauty, where happiness and affection remain unmarked by toil, heat and pressure. surely i can write my way to a new life, complete with the characters and attributes i desire?!
11 October 2010
serenity
now that is one emotion/attribute i sorely lack. and it shows. and it bothers me that everyone around me seems to possess so much of it. where can i queue up for some??
i read posts by moms of their infants, and living with a one and a half year old, i wonder how they get past the daily grind of not enough sleep, exhaustion and alone time to write at all, let alone write with such perspective:
"despite the struggles, and the challenges and the sleepless nights, they are only visitors in our home for a short while. It feels like forever but it will be gone in a flash. Its an important reminder and one I hope I remember for the rest of my life. Thank you Waleed for being my son"
or,
"taher and i talk a lot about our own perspectives when it comes to this relationship between us and Nooriya, and how much we have changed and accomplished over the past year. but really, it's Nooriya who we should applaud- her list of achievements in the last 12 months are endless."
these days i am like a fish out of water. apart from being emotionally adrift (without the usual anchors of friends, work etc), i'm faced with physical challenges as well. i've had a sore throat, blocked ears and nasty cough for days now, and no amount of meds seem to be doing any good. i thought i was prepared to be sick for the next six months, but just 10 days of this is wearing me out. my hair is falling out in clumps, my feet, hands and lips are peeling, while my face and nails are constantly plugged with dirt and grease.
i know (or i hope!) that these are all temporary irritants, but that does not make them any easier to live with. i want to vent and scream and stamp my feet. i want to take the next plane home. sigh. the fact that i am not doing any of these (except the venting, which is surely allowed?!), is my only claim to a path of serenity!
i read posts by moms of their infants, and living with a one and a half year old, i wonder how they get past the daily grind of not enough sleep, exhaustion and alone time to write at all, let alone write with such perspective:
"despite the struggles, and the challenges and the sleepless nights, they are only visitors in our home for a short while. It feels like forever but it will be gone in a flash. Its an important reminder and one I hope I remember for the rest of my life. Thank you Waleed for being my son"
or,
"taher and i talk a lot about our own perspectives when it comes to this relationship between us and Nooriya, and how much we have changed and accomplished over the past year. but really, it's Nooriya who we should applaud- her list of achievements in the last 12 months are endless."
these days i am like a fish out of water. apart from being emotionally adrift (without the usual anchors of friends, work etc), i'm faced with physical challenges as well. i've had a sore throat, blocked ears and nasty cough for days now, and no amount of meds seem to be doing any good. i thought i was prepared to be sick for the next six months, but just 10 days of this is wearing me out. my hair is falling out in clumps, my feet, hands and lips are peeling, while my face and nails are constantly plugged with dirt and grease.
i know (or i hope!) that these are all temporary irritants, but that does not make them any easier to live with. i want to vent and scream and stamp my feet. i want to take the next plane home. sigh. the fact that i am not doing any of these (except the venting, which is surely allowed?!), is my only claim to a path of serenity!
25 September 2010
home
this room that i am sitting in now, this bed, this desk, will never be mine in the same way again. i will not have my own room anymore. as i get ready to leave home, the thought uppermost in my mind is how long before some other city, some other apt, some other people become 'home'? as i leave the comfort of this home, i want to know that it will happen quickly and easily. experience says otherwise however..
21 September 2010
pretty girl
i loved my mitishitabi. i loved my clothes and my jewellery, and i loved the fact that getting dressed and putting on the make up was actually fun. i loved that everyone showed up, was happy for me, and told me i was a beautiful bride. (these are all quite uncommon experiences for me.)
it all went by so fast. i enjoyed every moment, but i wish it had lasted a little longer. i was sad to take off those pretty clothes and wash off the make up; it was such a wonderful experience, and i felt like i would never be that person, be that pretty again.
it was a wonderful start to being a bride, and i can only hope that the rest of the events go as well, inshallah! i'm not sure that dressing up in india will be that easy or argument free, but at least i will have this one day to look back upon in bliss :)
it all went by so fast. i enjoyed every moment, but i wish it had lasted a little longer. i was sad to take off those pretty clothes and wash off the make up; it was such a wonderful experience, and i felt like i would never be that person, be that pretty again.
it was a wonderful start to being a bride, and i can only hope that the rest of the events go as well, inshallah! i'm not sure that dressing up in india will be that easy or argument free, but at least i will have this one day to look back upon in bliss :)
16 September 2010
crazy planning
i love these awesome horoscopes that crack me up:
"Spend the day making plans. Big plans, little plans. Plans for the near future, plans for the distant future, plans for tonight. Make plans to make plans if you want to. The plans you make now are bound to be successful, so why not make as many as possible? In the evening, stop making plans and start putting the plans you already made (especially the ones that involve dinner tonight) into action. Good plan!"
:)))
"Spend the day making plans. Big plans, little plans. Plans for the near future, plans for the distant future, plans for tonight. Make plans to make plans if you want to. The plans you make now are bound to be successful, so why not make as many as possible? In the evening, stop making plans and start putting the plans you already made (especially the ones that involve dinner tonight) into action. Good plan!"
:)))
15 September 2010
two weeks left
the days continue to slip by.. i want to remember every moment, record it, keep it with me forever, but they just disappear like sand trickling through my fingers..
i had a wonderful farewell on sunday with close and not so close friends and colleagues alike. it was the perfect end (for want of a better word) to years of camaraderie; there was laughter (a lot of it, i hadn't laughed that much for quite a while, it was therapeutic), bonding, chilling out, feeling at home- with the people, and with myself. there was a moment when i looked around in both content and sadness, and wondered how long it would take me to build this again.. whatever the future holds, i am thankful to have had this present.
no longer working, i have spent the past two days running errands and doing wedding shopping. it is outrageous how even as i cross off items from my numerous lists, others spring up to take their place!! i feel like i'm on some crazy treadmill that keeps upping its pace the faster i move.
in a few days will be my mitishitabi, the first of several wedding events. i will officially be a bride! how surreal is that!!! i am a little sad that practically none of the people who know what this means to me, who have shared the journey that brought me here, will actually be present.. without them, it definitely feels slightly hollow..
i had a wonderful farewell on sunday with close and not so close friends and colleagues alike. it was the perfect end (for want of a better word) to years of camaraderie; there was laughter (a lot of it, i hadn't laughed that much for quite a while, it was therapeutic), bonding, chilling out, feeling at home- with the people, and with myself. there was a moment when i looked around in both content and sadness, and wondered how long it would take me to build this again.. whatever the future holds, i am thankful to have had this present.
no longer working, i have spent the past two days running errands and doing wedding shopping. it is outrageous how even as i cross off items from my numerous lists, others spring up to take their place!! i feel like i'm on some crazy treadmill that keeps upping its pace the faster i move.
in a few days will be my mitishitabi, the first of several wedding events. i will officially be a bride! how surreal is that!!! i am a little sad that practically none of the people who know what this means to me, who have shared the journey that brought me here, will actually be present.. without them, it definitely feels slightly hollow..
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