thank you

i was inundated with calls, messages, emails and ecards yesterday and felt much loved :)

ksa and nc, thank you for the company.

tired eyes

it is the second last week of term, and typically, i have way more things to get done than you would think possible. all i seem to be doing is reading--words on paper or words on a screen. my eyes are complaining. i cannot wait till this is all over and i can go stare at some blue water or green mountains. just the thought is so soothing.. aaaaggghhhh, i want to go NOW.

i have been snacking on mint m&ms, and i need the equivalent for my eyes..

disillusioned

i am confused. confused and upset. i am unable to explain or justify many aspects of my faith and religion to others. i always thought there was no need for explanations or justifications; my faith was my own, and in my small world, that was in itself enough explanation. since then, my world has become much bigger. and less understanding. less tolerant.

i say this while working for a human rights organization; it is a lonely struggle sometimes. i feel even more alone when i see that apart from activists themselves, most people are very willing to make trade offs. self interest is the ultimate goal. human beings are indeed quite selfish, and we seem unable to learn from history.

when i first started this work, i was frequently asked whether i found it depressing. in fact, the courage and spirit of those suffering human rights abuses was inspiring. however, what depresses me is the apathy--and even worse, the indifference--of ordinary people, of humanity at large.

time to step up?

i saw the movie step up a few days ago. it was fun, with good music and dance sequences. in the same mould as many other movies, but still enjoyable.

as i walked out of the cinema, i could not remember the last time i had worked as hard as the characters in the film, to achieve something (hifzing the 30th separa? a-levels?). my dad was always amused by my high school reports, all of which inevitably stated that i was 'a very hard working student'. he would always say, imagine if you really were to work hard... at auc as well, several friends would tell me to stop 'slacking' and be more disciplined (ugh).

i have usually managed to get by in whatever i'm doing with an average amount of effort. there are definitely some things that require much more effort, but i usually tell myself that those are beyond my capabilities. plus, putting in that much effort also means giving up other things. i have never been willing to do that. i would rather enjoy many different things, than work on one thing consistently.

however, the idea of being intensely focused on one thing is appealing right now. it might be time to stop cruising, and to really step up!

yoga

i finally joined the yoga classes at markaz. and i'm enjoying them. i'm stretching muscles i didn't know existed. i'm using my back instead of my neck to do things, and finding i can do them much better. i have learnt that my shoulders tend to be tense throughout the day, and i find myself consciously relaxing them. i am suddenly much more aware of my body, of what it can and cannot do, of what i want it to do. it is strangely liberating.

what is also liberating, is watching the people around me. witnessing their awareness of their bodies is just as much of a thrill as experiencing my own. i was initially wary of seeing middle aged women, without their ridas, contorting their bodies in awkward positions. i am used to praying or socializing with these women. exercising with them is much more intimate, more physical. however, i believe it will become simply another form of bonding, and i'm looking forward to it :)