yesterday, i opened my well thumbed, small notebook, some 13-years-old, filled with the names of books and authors i've read or wanted to read, after a good six months or so. names such as nicole mones, david mitchell, sarah waters, haruki murakami, linda grant jumped out at me. elif shafak, emma darwin, audrey niffeneger called to me silently. hanif kureishi, paulo coelho, joanna trollope, john grisham took me down memory lane to my teen years. i was assailed by the memories of words, pages, covers, feelings, stories and people; how the books made me feel, who i shared quotes and plots with, who i had recommended which book to, who had recommended which book to me. all of this, between the pages of my palm sized book, within the span of a few minutes.
why had i waited for so long to flip through its pages, when previously i would usually look through it at least once a week?
the answer is simple: i do not have access to these authors and books here. so i suppressed my urge, i tried to make do with other books. (as i seem to have done in so many other areas of life..)
but those few minutes yesterday brought home to me how much i am giving up, how lost i am without my familiar markers. if someone were to come see me and my life today, i worry that they might wonder whose presence they had disturbed. ten kilos lighter, with no bookshelves or books to speak of, no coffee, music or tv shows to gush over, who am i? when was the last time i had a conversation about harry potter, house or the coffee prince?
i live amongst people who cannot understand concepts such as lactose intolerance or atheism. this is only funny when i can share it with someone. but where is that someone?
many posts ago, i had feared losing myself -this is exactly what i was afraid of. but i don't know how to remedy the situation. it is so easy to say i need to make friends, but really, the options for that are oh-so-limited at present. and friends who read, who watch intl tv, listen to western music?! seriously, that only happens on some other planet..